the past is going nowhere fast
I don’t want this feeling to last
it surely wasn’t the best
time of my life

the future is so near from here
it’s a time that knows no fear
when I get there I’ll shed a tear
it’s the time of my life

the clock ticks on, the hours fade
until the day has gone away
night falls slowly, I stand in the shade
until the sun comes out to play
once more…

a minute can seem far away
the seconds are not here to stay
sixty minutes, an hour’s past
there goes some time of my life

you can never turn back time
so think before regret
if going back would cost a dime
think how poor you could get

the clock ticks on, the days fade
until a week has gone by
how much have you already paid
to turn back some time
once more…

time can play games with you
trick you as you go along
time itself is never the fool
it is your time, your life

it is only time one sings
and that may be right
you never know what it all brings
it is the time of your life

the clock ticks on, you age, mature
you’re growing old and wise
the dimes you’ve spend, they are no more
you’re living ‘till the end
once more…

this is the time of our lives.

© Lonely Wallflower, January 25th 2012.

This is my poem, written by me, myself and I. If you wish to use it, contact me, wait for an approval or denial and act upon that. Please respect my rights as author. Thank you.

Stuff happening at home, stuff happening at work. It’s just a bit too much to handle. GF is doing her best, trying to explain social situations. But at times, I can’t understand her examples and explanations either and it makes her annoyed. And deep inside, it makes me mad for being so “stupid” for not being able to understand these sorts of things when it seems so easy for others to comprehend.

I always found it so difficult when people were not direct. When you had to read between the lines, translate what you found there and then almost understand what that person meant. I take things literally, I say things the way (I think) they are and I suck at social interactions (most of the time). I talked about this with GF, said that things weren’t getting easier when they invite more and more bullock words that make it even more difficult to understand what people mean. I always observe people during their social interactions with others. See/hear how that goes and maybe be able to learn/copy from that. You never know when it comes easy…

But people aren’t that transparent. Person 1 could say something to person 3. Person 2 could say exactly the same thing in the same kind of situation to person 3 and get a totally different reaction. It is so hard to understand that kind of behavior. Why can person 1 get away with it and person 2 can’t? I know people will tell me that it’s all about the persons’ history and all, but it makes it harder to understand.

I really feel like a total, blimey big idiot for not being able to socially interact like the average/normal people. How it would make things for both me and GF so much easier to deal with…as there would be less to deal with.

But I do believe I have blogged about this before. Now the work issue and then, to bed with me. I need all the sleep I can get.

There is this one well, lady because of gender not because of behavior, at my workplace who makes it impossible to work decently. She is driving everyone crazy, we’re all tense and walking on eggshells. It became a hell where it was well, not like heaven but close enough, because it was a good place to work. Now even the woman who runs our place is thinking of quitting because of that “lady”. A college and I told her that she was crazy to give up a job she worked so hard for because of that woman.
That woman also is dragging me down too. Always telling me I do it all wrong, backstabbing me when she thinks I don’t notice. They are trying to make that woman go away, to another department. But it takes a while and NO OTHER departments wants her. Well, we don’t want her either. We want her gone. I want my dignity back. I do a good job, my boss tells me so. But because of that woman, I am getting so insecure and I guess I bring that feeling home with me. I can’t seem to shake her off from me, even though I know it’s all bullocks what she is saying about me.

So now my head is aching, my muscles are sore and tense and all I seem to want to do is cry… I will post this and then finally go to bed. Wanted to be in bed about 20 minutes ago already… Didn’t even finish my beer… It’s not like me at all…

Take care folks!

LW

There are so many things I want to do. So many times I am thinking if stuff that “needs” to be done because I want to do it. But when the time comes that I can do it, all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch DVD/Blu-Ray. I can’t be @rsed at that moment and later on, I feel stupid for not doing at least one of the things I had planned for myself.

It’s been a while since my last blog post here. I have been kind of active on Facebook and, at times, on Twitter as well. But posting on there takes less time and needs less attention/energy than writing a blog post. And there have been times in the last couple f months that I sat totally ready, laptop on my lap, WLW (Windows Live™ Writer) open and already on Google to find a nice picture to add to my blog. But then, when I was totally ready for it, I lost all the words I had been meaning to write. And my mood to write slowly faded away again.

I have been sleeping badly a lot lately. Last week I even took a sleeping pill, just to help me sleep over 1,5 hours without waking up again. That pill helped me! The after taste was horrible, but I felt a bit more energized and my headache was a bit more at ease as well. But when I finally took the pill to help me, it was over 1,5 weeks since I last slept OK. There was just one night I slept a bit better and I guess that was also because I had half a bottle of wine. It’s not much, I know, I drank more before haha, but it was enough to calm me enough to sleep a bit better.

Since my last blog post, it’s been an up and down roller coaster ride for me. I’ve been very down, even tried to cut myself… GF spend over an hour holding me, trying to get the knife out of my hand. She succeeded, I should write luckily since I am doing better now, at least a bit. But it did leave me a small scar. As she tried to preserve me from self harm, she cut me when she finally got hold of the knife. When I finally gave up… I fought hard to win, but I never wanted to harm her. Even though my thoughts were in conflict over that. I guess this belongs in a “private” post so maybe, when I have the time and energy, I will write about my self harm intentions and put a password on it. Enough is “said” here now. So yeah, I felt down. This was about a week before Xmas.

I quit my anti-depression meds. After many months taking them I only felt more down. I still got the very much depressed feelings, as you could read above here. I felt like nothing could provide me with any joy or good feelings. Stuff that would normally lift my sprits, even if just a bit, it just didn’t work. I felt more and more depressed and after the suicidal/self harm thoughts/action, I decided to quit the meds. The last one was taken on January 8th and I feel better than I did on the meds. Yeah, still get depressed thoughts and nightmares, but I feel I am now more able to enjoy the positive things that life has to offer at times.

But that is yet another painful “thing”. As I have mentioned many times before, I live with my BF and GF. But as I also have posted here (though many times in a password protected post), things haven’t been all that well. I know I care a lot for BF, but the loving feeling has been gone for a while. I am not sure if we really have a good future together, even though he tells me he loves me more than anything. I often think he’s “just” afraid to lose me… After 13 years, I feel we’ve grown apart. I would not want to hurt him, but he did hurt me many times before. I know my feelings for GF are stronger. I feel like I am cheating on him. even though the three of us live in the same house. I feel at times that I am using him, but there are many other times I feel like he’s using me. I really don’t know how things will work out, if they ever will. Because that’s another thing making my stomach twist and mu nightmares grow on me. Breaking up with him to go on with her. It scares me to think about his reaction. About leaving someone I have been with for 13 years, even though not all was good all the time. And I am kind of scared for his reaction, may that dreaded time do come…

So anyway, the above “stuff’” may also be a in continue need for energy. My thoughts do dwell on this relationship a lot and all it does is scare me, hurt me and make me cry. I wish I could just flip the switch and love like I used to. But many things have crossed my path, took an intersection towards his path and then a roundabout where it crossed her path as well. Guess I am not really making sense here anymore.

Will try to start writing on a blog post about my self harm intentions. It will be password protected when it finally hits this blog site, so please follow this link if you wish to obtain the password.

OK that’s it for this post. You know the rules for comments/e-mailing me… Thanks for your interest!

LW

I have always worked as much as I could. When I was depressed, I pretended I was OK because I needed the income. It only made it harder to get out of the negative spiral because I was pretending all this and that and I could not be the person I really was at those times.

But how could I be the person I was? I never totally understood everything. Yes, my IQ isn’t low… Yes, I have passed tests. But it wasn’t always easy. Living was hard and I never understood why. Of course I did always point it to myself, that it was my fault. That I was so stupid for not understanding. And that gave ne quite a negative self image. I still have it, even though deep inside I know I am good in some ways. But when people tell you to act normal when you thought you were doing just that, acting… You feel like a failure.

I don’t mind working. But there are days when I want to crawl away in bed, not see anyone, only to get out for something to drink or a bathroom break. But now I have to drag myself out of bed and act like I am OK. And that is very hard. I can be quite good at it but it is not something I am proud of nor I like to do. I am hoping that, if my results are positive, I can get some governmental help. I would like to work 3 days a week so I have 2 days for myself. To really take care of my thoughts, to stay in bed if I need it, to write all I have in my head to clear it. Just some me time. But I can’t afford it without any support. I still want to work for my money but I don’t want to drag myself down while earning it. I don’t want to live at the states costs totally, but some support would make my life (hopefully) a bit easier to deal with.

In the free time I could join a help group and learn how to really deal with myself. I have ADHD, probably AS and one of my Pdocs is already providing me with lithium for my mood swings. Personally I think it’s a combination with Bipolar II. I have read a lot about it and recognize many of the swings, feelings, thoughts that go with it. So it isn’t official yet (one thing at a time) but I already have the pills to help me cope with it. Well, I haven’t really noticed a lot of difference yet though. Hopefully people around me, like lovely GF or BF (if he’s home) have noticed anything positive ever since I am taking these pills.

I still don’t notice anything changing ever since I have started to take the pills. Only that it seems like I am more on the downside and it’s been a long time since I have seen the up side. Yeah, I still get the urge to spend a lot of money on things I really, really, would like to have. But I have never really given in, never… Because a part of me keeps rational enough to remind me that it’s not according to the plan I make every day/week/month to live by.

I did buy myself an agenda, an old fashioned one with paper inside (even though it is a school agenda, but I loved the “Forever Friends” theme) so I can keep track. Track of my appointments, track of my working hours, track of GF’s working hours. I worked with the digital calendar on my phone for a while and even though it is convenient, I like the use of a real agenda more. Just like there are times when I just have the urge to grab a pen and my journal and write the old fashioned way. It’s been a long time though… Those urges come and go, just like my moods. I guess there is a connection to find in this as well, if I would pay closer attention. And who knows, I might find out if I ever get that urge…

But still, next week… Starting tomorrow with a new job. It really scares me a lot and I know I have had nightmares (been having them for a long time now) about it, I just can’t remember them after I woke up. A new job… Getting my next diagnose… It’s scary. It freaks me out. I don’t want to… Do I really have to?

*yikes*

Of course I have always known that I experienced things differently from others. But often people just called me rude for being so harsh and not seeming to care. Never have they looked beyond that and seen that I did care but this was just my way of showing that. By telling the truth, open and honest. People always pointed a finger at me for being the bad person. Once or twice some people did take the effort to look beyond that and they saw it was who and how I am. These people I now consider close friends.

Never did I understand why people were so mad at me when I was only the messenger. I couldn’t begin to understand what they were thinking. So I never tried to let it hurt me too much, which in the end it always did of course. That’s the way these things go. And I guess this is something everyone has experienced once or twice in their lifetime. When you try to let something just pass you by without scratching you, it ends up hurting you the most. If someone ever told me why they were so upset with me, I might have been able to make the connection. Now, after so many years, I am finally but slowly discovering things about myself. Things I thought I knew but now I really am learning about, they are finally making sense. Well, more or less…

Now I can say that I see the world in black and white. And, as I experience it, other people experience it in black, white and many shades of grey. I now have to find my way through all these shades. Try to learn about them, try to see it in different ways. I guess some ways I really just can’t see due to the way my head is wired. But, together with much love from GF (and BF somewhere in the back of the room, mumbling while working on his laptop), with much understanding from my very patient GF, I might be able just to scratch the surface. And while working on that scratch, I also hope that GF will be able to understand my view on the world better. So she can see that some actions, some things I do, I can’t really control, like it’s programmed in my head “if something goes like this, you should react like that”.

And whenever I am in the mood, I will pick up one of my books on AS or Bipolar disorder and learn while I read. Shiver while I read as well. Some things are so close to home, like it’s me they write about. And some things scare me, especially when it’s about the future. When they write stuff can get worse over the years, more frequent and/or heavier. When I read it I get scared because I wonder if that will happen to me. They wouldn’t mention it if it happened to only a few, so I am bound to be influenced by it as well. And then I start to worry on how it will be able to hurt GF, how I will be able to hurt her if it really gets that bad. And when seeing it all in black and white, well it can go either good or terribly bad. Of course, feeling like I do, I often wander down the path of how things would go if they would turn out to be bad. And you can imagine that it makes me only feel more depressed. So deep underneath all these thoughts I also am aware that I am hurting myself by thinking this way. But since I didn’t find an answer within my own questioning, these questions keep popping up.

When ever I have found myself in a situation where I didn’t understand what was happening and I found myself in doubt… That situation will keep in my mind, pop up ever now and then, until I have found an acceptable answer. For some reason I just want to know what caused that situation so that I may know what to do when it happens again. Or maybe I may find an answer that will help me to prevent it from happening again. But, I do the same when I got caught in a good situation, a positive one, and I didn’t know what to do. Because, of course I like the positive part and by knowing how to react and how to be, the next time this situation might even be better.

Seeing things black and white. I never really thought about it until I found out more about my mental illnesses. The ones I have and the ones I may have. While talking to Pdocs and while talking a while lot more with GF, I came to the B&W conclusion. And everything I can place on a positive and neutral side is white for me. All negative is black. Which if, of course, very obvious. But for me, it’s either black or white. As long as I can’t place a situation, a happening and even a person in either one of those two colors, I am lost. And, depending on what/who it is, I can get quite mad at myself for not being able to place it. I often need to talk about it, preferably with GF, and I always hope she can help me place it. But sometimes she doesn’t understand. She’s not able to see why it’s so important to be to place the thing/situation/person. And she can get annoyed with me, while I will get annoyed with her. Sometimes we can even get into a ridiculous fight over things like this. And in the end it is really stupid because it was a misunderstanding. But when I am frustrated with myself and I have come to the point of asking help on it, I am also mad with myself for being to stupid for not knowing the answer myself. And when GF turns me down, in my eyes, by thinking it is a stupid question… Well, I guess you can add this one together for yourself…

Grey… What is grey? Why is it so easy for people to put stuff into that grey area and just leave it at that? Why can’t others see the black and white, Yin and Yang, and use it like I do? Please leave comments (so NO spam) on this issue. I am planning to continue writing on this issue (black, white & grey) so all your input is welcome. If you’d rather reply privately, you can email me at lonely _ wallflower @ hotmail . com (without the spaces). Thanks!

This post will be about all of the things mentioned in it’s title: friends, trust, fear and love. Of course, knowing me, many other things will get mentioned as well. But I guess it will pop into my head while writing so in a way, it belongs to the thoughts of my wicked mind (see the sub-title of this blog). I have been thinking a whole lot the last few weeks. After a few arguments and talks with GF, the thoughts went more into the direction that is now becoming this blog. I hope I am not confusing anyone, besides myself of course.

You might have been reading my previous posts, you might just be dropping in. I will try to explain myself as good as I can. But I won’t recall all that I mentioned in older entries. So please, if you are really interested, check out the older items that I wrote and shared on this blog site, thanks!

The image that I used to start my blog with is not my own! I found it online and tweaked it a bit to suit my blog. The text was very gripping and I just wanted to share it with you, my dear reader.

Anyway, let’s get this blog rolling towards towards where I want to to roll to…

I have issues with trusting people. I used to trust people at an instant. If they were nice to me, I replied that niceness with trust and friendship. But I have been hurt too often, used too often and now my trust isn’t that easy to gain anymore. I don’t hand it our to anyone who smiles at me, not anymore. If someone would want to gain my trust, that person would have to prove him/herself to me. It might sound greedy, wanting someone to work for it, to trust me right away before I might be able to trust that person. But I just can’t do it, not anymore. And when you have gained my trust, you are my friend and I feel I am safe with you. I am not afraid you will judge me rather than to take me aside and talk with me in a decent and respectful way.

When I am in a good mood, or manic mood as books about Bipolar and Pdoc W. call them, my trust issues aren’t a big deal. I feel good and nothing can hurt me. When I feel like that it doesn’t mean though that I trust people easier. But I get less suspicious about things when I feel good. When my mood drags me down again, I don’t even trust myself. But that is when I feel the lowest. When I “just” feel a bit down, I get suspicious. I get scared that people find me annoying, useless, irritating and all other things that are negative. I even think that my GF wants to get rid of me. When ever she gets a text or e-mail and she does her best for me not to be able to see it, I go insane! We did talk about it a bit today and I hope I told about my feelings in the right way, so she isn’t offended but able to understand my reasoning. It’s not like I don’t trust her. It is that a voice inside me tells me that I suck and she can do so much better than what I have to offer. In the past she has hurt me a lot by misusing my trust. It caused us to fight, cry, yell, almost break up (several times). But even though she hurt me, I want to trust her because I really care for her. And I know she also cares for me (the down side now telling me: “don’t know why she would love a loser like you”). So now she knows why being open and honest mean so much to me, I have gained more confidence in our relationship and I am rebuilding my trust. It isn’t just done like that, it takes time. But as long as GF and I work on it together, I have faith it will work and in the end, we know each other even better than before.

I never call people my friends easily. As you have read in previous posts and in the beginning of this one, I have been used by people too often. Before I am willing to call someone a friend, trust needs to be earned. And when I see you as a friend, it still doesn’t mean I will share all with you. I have different levels, if you will, of friends. Some people I only see at certain events and I interact once in a while on FaceBook/Twitter. Some are friends, some merely acquaintances. People I feel good enough to be around, to talk to when I see them because of some mutual interests. Only dear friends will know most about me. And those are the people I have spend many quality hours with. So they have already accepted me as I am and might only benefit from knowing the names to my illnesses (is this really a good word for the stuff I am suffering from???). Then they can read about it themselves, if they are interested. And real friends also know about this blog and they will respect my anonymity.

I have had some arguments/fights with GF where she called me jealous. But, of course I have been thinking about that a lot each and every time, I don’t call it jealous. I call it fear. I care a great deal for GF (and BF of course) and I don’t want to lose her. Even when I am down, very down, depressed, and I try to push her away because I feel like I don’t deserve her…it is killing me deep inside when I behave like that because I don’t really want to live without her. But it is my mind believing I am only making her feel bad, sad and I am dragging her into my depression with her. I want to preserve that from happening, so I start pushing her away. And while doing that, I am the b*tch my head tells me I am because I am hurting her by pushing her aside when she wants to be there for me! So again I prove that I sometimes have an angel and demon fighting inside of me. My mind thinks one thing (or way too many) while my heart wants just the opposite. And when I am down, my mind is always stronger than my heart. When I get my cool back, when I slowly crawl out of the darkest of the dark, my heart gains some strength and takes over again. Then I feel the guilt for all I have said (and most of the time didn’t mean, it was my anger together with my depression taking over at the time) and then I see I have been pushing when I should have been pulling…

But whenever I feel down, whenever that voice is back inside my head, I get scared. Scared that this time, when I have another tantrum, I might push her away for good. Or that my fears come true, that GF meets someone willing to do more for her than I ever could, without all the mental problems. So I get even more insecure before it “might” even be necessary. I am not a jealous type, I am afraid I might lose the one I would never wants to lose! Afraid… It is hard for me to admit that. Because fear isn’t a positive thing. And if I want to feel good, if I want to get “better” (as far as that can go) I need to try and avoid triggers and keep a positive eye on things. But fear and fear of losing someone is all but positive… *sigh*

I need to get some sleep now, wanted to shut my eyes over half an hour ago… Please help me with the question I asked in my previous post people:

But who to tell besides them and should I even tell it? And then, when I do something socially weird, can I “blame” it on my condition or should it always be my full responsibility? So that is the next question that has been haunting my head. And I guess it could be the topic of my next blog post. So I would like it if people would like to share their view on this question with me. You can either comment here or reach me by email. Since I don’t want spam in my email box, I will put spaces in between the link: lonelywallflower @ hotmail . com Thanks!

Thanks for checking out this post. Feel free to comment (remember, still not allowing spam) and I’ll be back

Think positive folks, LW

Ever since I started all these tests and talks, I have found out more about myself. That was, after all, the intention of it all. Finding out what exactly was different and together with a diagnose I want to find a cure. OK, cure isn’t the right word. I want to learn how to cope, how to deal, what I still can change and what I never will be able to change due to DNA and all… So the positive thing is, that I am slowly on my way to get a diagnose. The negative thing is, that finding out all these differences about me hurt and put me in a downward spiral…

I go through all these tests, put up with all these talks to find out what’s going on inside my brain. Which wires are crossed, sort to speak. But my intention was to feel better when finding out the diagnoses and all. So far, it’s been nice to give it a name and to give it a temporary name (until the diagnose is in). But that is the only positive side of it all. As I mentioned earlier in this post, it hurts to find out that you are different. And it also hurts because if I had known earlier about these differences, about my illness (I have to call it something and I am still looking for the right word), my life could have been a lot different.

If they had tested me like they test kids now for ADHD and other mental illnesses, I might have been diagnosed back then. It could have saved me from a lot of teasing, bullying and fighting (never stared by me though), because I would probably have been sent to a different school.
I am writing words in italic because it is all speculation. I speculate based on the way the tests are being done these days. As I wrote in a previous blog (I think it was last year when ADHD came into view as one od the diagnoses), they used to call ADHD “minimal brain dysfunction”. And because of that name, they assumed that you could not have a high IQ, your brain wasn’t functioning right so your IQ should be low. And the tests I had to do when I was a kid, well my IQ came up pretty high. Not sure what is left of it now though… But my point is, many things in the medical world have changed. And for some kids, these changes will make a difference right when they need it. But for me it comes too late and now I am a thirty something years young woman. I have lived with all my faults, with all my quirks, and they are hard to abandon. And some things, as I wrote before as well, I will never really be able to do. My brain just will never be able to cope, to deal with it. And other things might take a very long time to learn. So at my age, I am back to a learning process, one that would have been so much better to go trough at kids age…
But I don’t want to complain here. The past is the past and it will never change, no matter what. But of course it does bug me and it also irritates me when I think back to my childhood. I have spend years trying to think about the past as least as possible. But with all these talks with the Pdocs… I have had to relive parts of it again, unfortunately. That might also explain the tearful nights. I never remember any of my dreams, good or bad. That could be a blessing but it’s also very annoying. Because when I wake up and my pillow is wet from the tears I have cried during my sleep, I want to know why I have been crying.

OK I seem to be drifting off my original topic here. But it wouldn’t be the first time for me to let my thoughts get carried away… Ah well, it is my blog so of course I can write what ever I want. But I want to give you, the reader, a glimpse inside the head and life of well, me. And I guess getting carried away is part of who I am. Anywhoo…

I just guess that I have been wondering about being different. I know I am. I am slowly accepting it but it is very hard. Because you have to come to terms with who you really are. And of course I always knew, but now the differences are being pinpointed. It is becoming more clear on what my quirks are. And as I mentioned before, stuff I have seen as normal all my life now, it’s slowly falling apart because the majority of the people doesn’t agree with me and because some Pdocs clearly describe it as one of the “elements” of the mental illness I am reading about. So, I have to learn how to deal with it. And it already made me wonder who to share this personal information with. It could be essential that some of my friends and family (and loved ones of course) should be told. And because I have known these people for a longer time, I know I can trust them with my personal stuff.
But who to tell besides them and should I even tell it? And then, when I do something socially weird, can I “blame” it on my condition or should it always be my full responsibility? So that is the next question that has been haunting my head. And I guess it could be the topic of my next blog post. So I would like it if people would like to share their view on this question with me. You can either comment here or reach me by email. Since I don’t want spam in my email box, I will put spaces in between the link: lonelywallflower @ hotmail . com Thanks!

Well, that’s it for tonight. My eyes are burning and I need some rest/sleep. Thanks for checking out my blog and if you care to comment and/or email me (about this post or about the question asked in this post), thanks for that as well!

Think positive and have a good day, LW

I know I take things literally. I know I hate change. I am a planner. I love to plan stuff. I have to plan all I do. I need strict rules and guide lines. I need something to hold on to when it feels like the rest is falling apart and slipping away. I need to know where and when, what with who and how. It’s not the way I want to live but it’s the way I need to live. I never chose to be like this. But I know I have tried to change and every time I just fail myself, get greatly disappointed in myself which only makes my mood drop faster.

I want to be like other people. I want it to be easy to understand what they are really saying, as reading between the lines is a b*tch for me. I want people to tell me how they feel. It is hard to see it just by looking at them. OK, I can finally “read” some faces from people that I spend a whole lot of time with, but at times I still get it wrong. But the people that have spend such a long time with me know me a bit better. They get less offended if I get something wrong. Because sometimes I do dare to say something in a (for me scary and a bit awkward social situations) and I feel later on that it may not have been the right thing to say… I want be to able to know what to do. I want to be able to know what to say. Not feel scared to speak or do something. Not take a step back because I wouldn’t know what to do so it’s better to walk away and do nothing.

Sometimes I feel it would be best if I would be alone. So I could harm no one, hurt no one, offend no one. And  I wouldn’t bother anyone as well. My mind works differently and there are times that it almost feels like an excuse for me to act different. But I have tried to change, I have tried to find a different way but it always leads me back to the one I know best. And often I disappoint myself because I really wanted it to work and I can’t get it to work. And when that happens, it’s yet another trigger for me to feel sad, mad, lonely, angry. And  slowly get depressed once more (if I wasn’t in a down mood already). So I haven’t only let the people I love down by not being able to change a certain pattern of behavior, I have also let myself down. And that makes me feel like I am a loser, born to never win at all.

Another time to give up
I’d better join the club
of losers and wanna-bees
never able to really please

This text above is (of course) about social interaction. I try to interact. I do it wrong and well, I want to be able to do it but I guess some things you have to have from birth. Not everything can be taught. How ever much you’d like to be able to do it, I guess you have to accept that if you gave it your best shot (or shots, many times you keep trying until your energy is drained) and it won’t work. Loved ones, friends or Pdocs can sometimes help you to achieve your goal. Or to reset your goal so it will be manageable by yourself or with help.

But of course…it is hard to ask for help! There is a part that fears the help asking. There is a part that is ashamed to admit the need for help. And to ask for help is also a way of socially interacting with someone else while admitting it is done because of certain needs. Some people, like Pdocs, know that they are called upon to help, it’s their profession. But with friends and/or loved ones it can be more difficult. When you feel down, stressed, it is likely your mood has been noticeable. And most of the time, in an anything but positive way! So that makes it even harder to face people who had to endure you while you weren’t on your best behavior to ask them for a favor. I would guess most dear friends would understand, as they would know a bit about your medical “issues” but that doesn’t always make it easier to live with it…

I try to learn with what I read
With websites and books do I feed
But the information that I need
Never seems complete

I am still busy reading my Dummy book on AS. And again, some parts made me think: hell yeah I know that feeling! I would really recommend it to anyone interested in/affected by Asperger’s Syndrome. The book can be ordered through the English Amazon website.
I am currently reading chapter 3 (Diagnosing Asperger’s Syndrome). The book has 18 chapters, divided into 5 parts. In this third chapter there was a hint (page 37) which I would like to share with you, as I find it indeed an important thing to know (something I find really useful):

If you’re a friend of someone on the spectrum (or anyone else for that matter), don’t expect them to pick up on your feelings intuitively. Always tell them how you feel rather than expecting them to understand it from your body language, tone of voice, or facial expression.

And a small, but very good tip I found in chapter 2, page 30:

When talking to someone on the autism spectrum, use literal language and explain idioms.

So hopefully these two small but important (in my eyes) tips can help you to have a better relationship with someone who is connected to the autism spectrum.

Which brings me to something that frequently comes up during arguments between GF and myself. Because of how I am, I need people to be open and honest to me. As stated before, it is difficult for me to read in between the lines. I have always been honest to GF, to anyone, because I don’t see any use in lying. It will only hurt others and myself when it comes out in the end… And the last couple of months, with all these tests and talks with Pdocs, I feel like I have been turned upside down and inside out. Like every bit of information on me has been seen through a magnifying lens. And that made me feel vulnerable. I know I am not perfect and I also know now that I will never be perfect. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be there for GF when she needs someone. I know I won’t always react in the best way whenever she tells me something. But that is not on purpose. I want to be that listening ear when she needs to talk about something, I want to be the one with the shoulder to cry on. I want her to believe in me as much as I believed in her while going through all the difficult tests and talks. When she then tells me that she’d rather talk about stuff with someone else, that hurts. I want to be the one to confide in. I want to be the one she trusts with all there can ever be. But when someone else is needed and I get pushed aside on “that matter” (as I won’t get to know that it is), it hurts a lot. It feels like I can’t be trusted. I wish I could learn better social skills so I’d be an even better ear… So I would react in a better way. I want to learn. But how???

Ah well… That’s it for now folks! Signing off as I have to sleep now. I have an early alarm and I should have been sleeping a while ago now. Thanks for your interest! And remember, comments are welcome, spam is not!

But I don’t want to give in. Even though my headache feels like it’s getting worse, I want to win. But I do feel that, at some point, I will have to let all those emotions run wild and free before they all take me down with them. Unfortunately, most emotions I am feeling right now are all but pleasant and that scares me.

It scares me because I do not know how releasing these feelings will affect me. I know that they don’t do me much good at the moment. It is hard for me to get out of bed every morning. Even though I may not be tired, it just takes so much energy to get up and get dressed. I’d rather stay in bed and just lay there… Maybe read a bit when I feel like it, or watch a DVD or listen to music. But just me alone in my room doing my things… Not bothering anyone and no one to bother me. Just me and my little bit of freedom. But then I remember I am not a multi millionaire and I need to work in order to receive money… So I push myself once more and get up and dressed.
I am hoping that, when I finally have my first diagnoses, I can find out more about support from the state. I do love to work for my money and I really want a place where I can be myself, do good work and hopefully one day get myself a nice contract. I don’t want to sit at home and do nothing to receive money. But it would be nice if they could like, sponsor me for 2 working days a week so I could work 24 hours and have more time to work on myself. When I feel bad I would like to stay home every now and then, just work on myself to make me feel better. But I have to work so I am afraid that sometimes only makes it worse… Even though I like my work, it frustrates me and my thoughts are constantly trying to take over the concentration I need to do my work. So the headache I already had is only getting worse…

The weather’s been a tease as well, also not helping me feel better. On the contrary, it only makes me more depressed. When I have to work the early shift I am able to enjoy the afternoon sun in our garden. Of course it will rain when I get home then… When I work afternoon/evening shifts, I barely have time to sit in the garden, let alone sit in the sun… So when I go to work, the sun will be shining like crazy… I hate that so much. Ever since April and a week in May, there have been about 4 days where I had the early shift and I could enjoy the sun in our garden… Of course, due to my anger about the weather, my headache increased. So my eyes got even more sensitive to bright light, so even if there would have been any sun while I got home from the early shift, my head hurt too much to enjoy it (so it might have been good in a way that we got so much rain then… /sarcasm).

I can’t imagine that living with me can be fun. Maybe when I feel like I am at the top of my game and I could conquer the world… But when I am depressed… Nope… There are even times when I can’t stand myself! So I start hating myself and it worsens my depression. I feel like I am bringing GF and BF down. My mood rubs off on them. And then when I need some positive love and affection, they got sick of my complaining and nagging and don’t feel any kind of love for me… It feels like a spiral going downwards until I’ve hit rock bottom.

I am still taking my lithium pills. Still hating them as well. But I promised GF I would try them. She still insists there are changes. The only difference I feel is that I feel so sad. I could cry about anything at any time… But I guess that is my mood that went down and not those nasty tasting pills…

In less than 6 hours my alarm will wake me. Tomorrow (today) we have a fun day planned. And I am sure I will be able to enjoy myself to the fullest. But on the inside is still that darned and nasty demon trying to take me down even further…

Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome, spam won’t be approved. Have a god day everyone and take care of yourself and your loved ones!

LW

Part one…one of many…I guess…

Before you begin, please note that:
Please do note, once more, that this is a personal blog and all expressions are purely my own. My own thoughts, ideas, likes and dislikes. My preferences. My ideas. Mine, mine, mine. I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I do not want to insult anyone in any other way. I created this blog to express my own thoughts, feelings and all. This post contains a part of my own view on living with (not officially diagnosed) Asperger’s Syndrome (AS). Thanks!

Feeling different sometimes. Feeling like an outsider, trying to catch a glimpse of what feels like a totally different world. Trying to peek over someone’s shoulder, hoping to learn a bit of how that person experiences things, sees things, does things. Trying to understand what you see, hear and smell as well. Use your senses to the fullest, hoping to be able to cope, to deal with it. You want to learn and you want to remember because you never know when it might come in handy.

That is what I do, each and every day. I try to see people, see their faces, when things are happening with them (they can just be in conversation with others, doesn’t have to be serious, just day to day stuff). I try to see their facial expressions, to hear bits of what they talk about so I can link them together. I observe people. I observe situations. I try to memorize how people look during certain conversations, how they act while talking. When I talk with someone myself, I hope to be able to understand the other better because of all these observations I have done. I hope to recognize his/her facial expressions, to see their emotional part besides just hearing the words they say. And when I need to talk to someone that I don’t know or hardly know, I only hope they won’t see right through me. A small voice in my head begs to go unnoticed, so I won’t have to explain myself. And I always hope I don’t have to ask the other for clarification of any sort. I don’t want to seem “stupid”. I know I am smart, I know that much, but there are situations I just can’t seem to understand what is going on. I find it hard, at times, to read a person’s face. That is why I really dislike making phone calls. When I need to call someone, I try to let GF do it when possible. Only when it’s a call to someone I have known well for a long time I am less reluctant to pick up the phone. Even though I can’t always read and/or understand a person’s facial expressions, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to see it.

It is hard to explain to people, friends and/or loved ones, that you are a fake. Because that is what I am, how I see myself. My feelings are real, the words I say are made up in my mind first but in social situations, I try to be a copycat when I don’t have a clue of that to do. So I try to imitate the behavior that I have observed in others. Sometimes I get it right, but when people act upon it differently than I have experienced, I am at a loss again. And sometimes people look at me in a weird way and I know then that I chose the wrong option. So I make a mental note and hopefully if this situation would present itself once more, I can choose some other observed behavior.

It is weird now, writing about this all. It feels like I am opening a book that is about me, but never been read. I never thought of opening it seeing well, it’s me. And I never knew what was different about me compared to the average people. I will not call them normal people, as no one is perfect and many of us have our own differences and quirks. When I read about Asperger’s Syndrome and see how many people are affected by it… When I read that here in the Netherlands, 1 out of every 400 people has it… Well, I know I am not alone. Of course, many people affected by AS also have another “disorder”. In my case, I might have Bi-polar II. But that’s still not tested. I also should note that at the time of writing this, my results/diagnose on the AS tests are still unknown (at least to me). But after a lot of reading, and of course all that I already know that was different, I do know that chances are that I will score high on the AS test. But I think it’s only fair to mention that all I blog about at this moment is all still “unofficial” as far as the diagnoses go. I only have a diagnose now for hyperactive/impulsive ADHD.

So while I am writing my blog, while I am putting digital words on digital paper, I am slowly giving you an insight in the book about my life. And at times, when I am just writing anything that comes to mind, I am also discovering things about myself. It is very scary to admit that you are different. OK, you can just casually say that you’re weird or different when you’re with people that know you. But the average person will only joke about it, because they know they are average (or in their own eyes “normal”). I can also joke about it, but it is hard to make such a joke when deep inside you know you are different. You know you are being tested to see how your differently wired brain works out compared to the average folks. You know for sure that your wires are crossed, maybe malfunctioning or not connected at all (figure of speech here), but you have a certain need to add a name to it. It sounds better when you can tell a friend that you have AS instead of only being able to say you don’t get it all, you feel stupid and at times even crazy. When you can give all (or some of them) your differences a name that can be Googled and that people are able to recognize, they are more likely to “understand” it better. I guess it is hard for someone who is not directly involved with a person with AS to fully understand it, but if they wish to know more, they can research it now because they have a reference, a name. They know you are really experiencing certain difficulties instead of “just being a pain in the @$$”.

Because I sometimes think that people I come across (so they hardly know me) think that I am joking on them. That when I make a remark about something that really is inappropriate in that situation (but I think I am saying a wise/good thing at that time), that I am just “pulling their leg”. That I am trying to be funny. And there are times that people laugh about what I say. I often feel hurt about it, because that reaction tells me that I didn’t say the right thing (again!) and I just try to laugh along. In the end I am just happy if, after the laughing has died, they don’t ask me to elaborate what I meant. That way, I can easily draw back and just observe and hopefully learn from this all.

So one side of me wants to tell people that I (not officially, yet) have Asperger’s Syndrome, part of the Autism Spectrum. Because that would explain a part about me, about why I react differently in certain situations compared to “average” people. Well, people who have heard/read about it will know a bit at least. Most people would have to Google it, just like I had to… But you know that people care, or are at least interested, when they take the time to look it up, to dig into it. Maybe to understand you better. Maybe because you told them something which they never had heard of and just had to read about. But at least they will look into it, which could bring some better understanding into this world. It is hard for someone with a mental disease to “come out of the closet” (this is my opinion!). When you open that closet door, which can be quite frightening to say the least, you can never predict how people will react when they “see” what’s hidden inside that closet. When they find out a bit more about you on a very personal and maybe even private level. Maybe it can lead to a better understanding. It could even lead to a closer friendship because your friend might appreciate your confidence and see that you have taken a step to deepen the relationship, to make it stronger, more intimate (in a NON sexual way). But it could also push people away from you.
And that is the point the other side of me is arguing about. What is you tell it to someone and he/she starts to use it against you? What if, when you come out, people might see you as a person with a mental illness? I know that AS is a form of mental illness (don’t be mad if the words I use may offend you; as mentioned before, English is not my native language and sometimes I get lost for words)… What I mean is, what if they then only see the illness and not the person suffering (at times) and/or living with it? There are people who like to stereotype others. And after the movie “Forrest Gump” came out, it gave the viewers an insight into life with autism. So to many people, Forrest Gump became a stereotype of autism. But the autism spectrum has well, many aspects and Forrest is just portraying a small part of that. I think Tom Hanks did a great job. But some viewers just watch the movie and don’t do an other research into the subject. And I don’t want people to stereotype me. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because of what I have. I have been living with it all my life so far/ And yes, it has been hard. And YES I have been bullied, taken advantage off and I did get myself in situations where people were laughing at me in my face. They thought they were laughing with me, but it was always because of me at those times and I never understood why…

But I don’t want people to feel sorry. I’d rather see them researching the illness. That they became “inspired” to find out more about AS (or the Autism Spectrum, globally) to see how they can “help”. Because when people you care about know more about what AS really is, they can help you to find your way through difficult (social) situations. When you are lost for words during conversation they won’t push you to answer, or when dealing with “outsiders”, they can fill the gap for you. They will find out you take thinks literally. That it is very hard to read in between the lines. I can only read in between the lines when I really know the person that is sending that “hidden message”. People that care will also know that you either reply on face to face contact (I really need facial expressions to understand the situation/conversation a bit better) or you find it extremely difficult. Someone with AS might seem to look at you, at your face, but is really looking at your forehead and not to your eyes.

I started to read Tony Attwood‘s “The complete guide to Asperger’s Syndrome”. I do find it very interesting, but it’s hard (for me) to read. There are so many notes in between the text, informing the reader of the source, that makes it difficult. The information is very well put into it, but I think I need to read something “easier on the eye” first before I can really read his book.

So I am now reading a “For Dummies” book called “Asperger’s Syndrome for Dummies”. It’s less “clinical” than Tony’s book and I find it both really interesting and easy to read. It’s a little less confronting than Tony’s book is. So if you are new to the subject, I would advise the Dummie book to start with.

If you think you have AS, don’t hesitate to contact your GP about this. He/she can refer you to the right people to help you. I am not a professional, so my advise is: check with your own doctor. Don’t feel the need to be ashamed or anything. I too was a bit “scared” of getting a diagnose because well, it does make it official. But on the other hand, knowing what you suffer from can also help you to cope easier. You can read about it (as I am doing), you can join an online forum or a local group to talk about it. It can help you to find out who you really are.

I think I wrote enough for now. Thanks for checking my blog! Please feel free to comment and remember that I never allow spam to be posted so don’t waste your time!

Have a good day everyone! Be strong and think positive!

LW

I am looking for a high! I am looking for a manic period where I feel I can rule the universe! But instead I feel sad. I have some nice events to look forward to. But when I don’t think about them, the sadness sets in again. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I have the early shift this week, so very early alarm time. And I got angry with myself for not being able to fall asleep… And then I also felt sad again, so I lay in bed feeling horrible and I just cried. I texted GF, because I really was feeling alone… She came up to join me.

I am sleeping in the attic room. I need some “me time” lately and sleeping alone helps. This way I know BF and GF have enough space in bed and when I can’t sleep, I am not keeping them awake as well. But when I feel bad, I also feel alone. So I send GF a text, because I knew BF had to be up early as well. And I know GF is more open to my current “state of mind”. BF is more technical: when something is broken, you can see it so you can fix it. But when you can’t see anything wrong…

I am still taking lithium. 2,5 pills a day now. I am not really sure if they’re helping. GF says she is noticing differences, I just keep feeling sad. I want to plan a short vacation (so I am focusing on that a lot!). I just want to have a short break, a short vacation. Hopefully we can go to a vacation park in Germany for a midweek in January. GF needs to arrange things with her internship for that school year. If that works out, we can (hopefully) book the short trip. That will hopefully enlighten me a bit.

There are so many small things I can focus on, positive things. But it is hard. It seems like every time I “use” a good thing to look forward to, some of it’s energy gets drained. And at some point, I have used all the energy an event can provide me and I have to search for new energy… It’s a never ending chase between positive energy and me. And I wonder if I will ever be able to abort the chase because I feel positive and happy enough by myself, without being in a manic period. I guess I will always experience some manic and depressed periods, if the lithium really helps. So it will never completely go away. It will always be a part of me, of who I am. I will need to learn how to live with it. But it’s hard when the sadness is taking up such a big part of my thoughts…

The questions asked
you have to answer
you have to know
to look beyond

Every step you take
it leads you on a new way
bringing you to places
you’ve never dreamt of

The road unclear
you have to follow
you have to chose
left or right

The way unknown
you have to lead
yourself through
this tough life

Every step you take
brings you somewhere closer
to pain or happiness
all of these emotions

When you feel alone
just look deep inside
you know that I am with you
every step…

© LW, July 19th 2011