Depressed or…continued

OK, here I am again. Using my laptop now, which is running on AC power. So no troubles with power shortage now. I wanted to come back to this post sooner, but last night I have had a long talk with one of my lovers (will get to that part later, I guess), the female one. We have been arguing a lot lately and last Friday was tha bomb! So by the time she went to bed (sleeping separately at the moment) I was exhausted and needed some sleep too.

And here I am again, after about 7 hours of sleep. I already did some household chores and both my lovers are still in bed. I think the male one is awake and browsing the internet with his laptop, since I did hear some noise here and there. But for now, me and our dog have the couch to ourselves! Which reminds me, I still have some “forest fruit” tea to finish before it’s become ice tea.

So in my last post, I have written about me coming out of the closet. I have written about my physical problems and some of the mental ones that came with it, free of charge.

I still am not quite sure how this blog will turn out. I need a place where I can be me, where I can randomly babble about the stuff that’s going on with my life, with me, and do it all anonymously. That is one thing I do love about the World Wide Web. It has many disadvantages as well, people on this WWW are not always filled with good intentions. Which sometimes scares me. But, I know that maybe some on you might have a clue to who is writing this, who is behind the “Lonely Wallflower” identity. But if you have found this blog and you are “positive” it’s me writing this (ow my, this “sounds” silly), maybe it’ll give you a sneak peak into who I am from a whole different perspective.  Maybe it’ll give you some insight in who I really am. Or maybe you don’t have a clue who I am and you don’t give a sh*t but you do like my writing and all. And as long as no one judges me, as long as everyone has some respect for me (and other human beings of course), then I do feel “safe” here.

I am someone who always has been very open. But blunt as well. I don’t make up nice stories when I have something sad/negative to say. Cause, in my opinion, it will suck big time anyway, if I tell it sweet and make it sour then or if I am just honest and straight from the heart. If you have to tell someone some bad news, they will only get certain hopes/ideas if you talk sweet when in the end, you have to give them sour news instead of all that sweetness you started out with. And while telling all that sweet stuff, I would feel like I am telling a lie. And I definitely hate lying. I hate it when people don’t tell you the truth. It feels like they don’t respect you, or don’t respect you enough to say the truth. In my experience, a lie will come out sooner or later in more than 90% of the cases. And it hurts me a whole lot when I find out that the things I was led to believe were based on 100% pure bullsh*t! I’d rather know the truth and get mad, disappointed and all instead of thinking all is well and then bump into the truth and get even more mad. Because if people are honest to me and respect me enough for the truth, than I know our friendship may be a bit weaker (depending on what that truth might be, of course). But if I am lied to big time and I find out, that friendship gets hit even harder.

What I am trying to say here (or well, write here), is all that I believe in, all that I think is just and fair. I am not trying to convince others to what they should hold as their standards. Of course, if you think my opinion sucks, you may always leave me a comment. As long as it is a decent one. We do have a freedom of speech (within decent boundaries) and we also have the right to disagree with others. As long as we can respect them for having another opinion, nothing is wrong. Not all great minds can think alike, and everyone has his/her own sets of believe. But deep inside, I do think people can relate to many things, whether they agree or disagree. Because, in the end, we’re all humans, we all have to deal with our daily base life and we all have to cope with troubles/issues on a almost daily base. And it is how we deal with those issues and troubles, how we cope with it and try to resolve it, that really defines who we are.

I know I have some dear friends who will always be there for me. I know I am not alone in this big, big world and I know that things might be better soon. But when you are depressed (even mildly depressed), it can be so nice to “talk” to outsiders, people who don’t know you personally, who don’t even need to know you personally, but who can relate to you because they have been there themselves. It’s nice to share thoughts and ideas with total strangers who can relate to you, maybe also stay anonymous because it can be difficult to give up too much about yourself to total strangers. And I don’t need to know everyone by name and surname. If you have an online ID which you prefer to use, it’s totally no problem. I am trying to reach out, to find people who love to discuss stuff with me, maybe even give me another perspective on things. I would like to see things from another way, but when you have no one to provide you with any insights of that other way, it’s hard to find it all by yourself.

OK, so now, back to the working title.

Depression. (click to follow the link to the Wikipedia.org site about it)

I have been known to these symptoms for quite some years. I think, if I try to remember the first time I really felt depressed (but never know why I felt that way and/or what it was that made me feel that way) was when puberty hit me. So many changes, that combined with the awful loss of my “favorite” grandma and the diagnosis of my physical troubles AND the fact that I was working towards my last year at high school… All that came within a year and I didn’t really feel like I had the time to cope with one thing, before the newer thing hit me.

And so these (mild) depressions would hit me every now and then. Sometimes, luckily, I could deal with them quickly and at other times I even got medication to get through (not that it helps, it makes you feel a bit more relaxed but the troublesome thoughts still run for president in the back of your head). I know that when I am depressed, I am not a joy to the people who are close to me. I can be a regular pain in the @$$ for sure. And at times, I even have thoughts of suicide because I feel like I am nothing more than a pain in the @$$ to everyone and they would be better off without me. I am a total wimp and that has (also) kept me from following though.
But when you go online and search/read message boards where people discuss the thoughts of leaving this earthly life, the reasons people give each other for not doing it are at times bigger bullsh*t than the people who entertain these thoughts are already in.
Some come with the reason that you will burn in hell. People who are really that depressed don’t really care about hell, because (in my opinion and experience) they feel like they’re there already.
Some just say that there will be a brighter day coming up, that it’s just around the corner and that’s why you can’t see it yet. That is something I am often told already by people who really tried to help me but didn’t have a clue to how it is to be depressed. Every time someone says that to you and the next few days turn out worse, it doesn’t help to get this “great” advice again. Because you have been told it many times and never has it turned out to be true.
Some say that you are an egoist and you leave people behind who will mourn for your loss, be hurt by your decision and actions taken upon that decision. But some people who are depressed already feel that they have lost the people around them. That no one is really interested in them so the mourning will be short and the loss will be forgotten in no time and people will live on. Maybe they would even be happier because they don’t have to deal with your depressed behavior anymore. When you are really down, you do think about others, but you think they would be better of without you.
I am not saying that this goes for ALL people who are depressed. I am only saying how I see it, experience it and live with it. As written before, maybe you can relate and maybe your experience and opinion will take you the other way. And that is what I would like to talk/write about, discuss about, know about.

I will send off this post and hope that no one takes this too personally. I will, again, state that this is a personal blog. It has MY personal views, experiences and thoughts. It is NOT meant to harm anyone. Not mend to offend anyone. If you do care about the stuff I am blogging, please feel free to comment (and as mentioned before, in a decent way). And if you don’t have any interest… Well I am wondering why you kept on reading this so far… Maybe it has your interest in the end… So NO harm intended. This is merely my PERSONAL blog. Thanks for understanding!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 28, 2010.

3 Responses to “Depressed or…continued”

  1. I think you write beautifully, for someone who’s native language is not English you have a breathtaking way with words and I have no issues with understanding how you put across what you write, you should really be proud of your English language skills! It’s clear from what you write that you suffer recurrent bouts of Depression obviously from your teens and something triggers these in you, usually events in your personal life – which is pretty much how depression always occurs in people, the fact you have periods of normal mood in between could indicate something more than just depression, maybe a mood disorder or something.

    It’s often hard to get people who have never been depressed to understand what it’s like living with depression, they usually come out with the most unhelpful suggestions such as ‘pull yourself together’ or ‘get over it’ and in turn comments like that often make us feel worse. For me when I get depressed I tend to being a complete a$$ as well, I prefer to hide away from people, and just be on my own. I know the depression passes with time and maybe it means medication need’s tweaking and increasing to help me get through a certain bad period but in time I start to feel better, it’s just getting through those months of the ‘black dog’.

  2. Thanks! Coming from someone who’s native language IS English, it surely means a lot to me. And maybe because you can relate to some of these feelings, it makes it easer to read and understand as well.

    I have thought about a disorder as well, I have started reading the “Overcoming Depression” book I mention here on my blog and it does give me a better insight of it all. I should have bought a book like this years ago…
    Still I am wondering what it is that I should do. Should I try to solve these feelings by myself or is it a fight I might never win without help through my GP?
    Since I am one of those people who hates pills a whoooole lot!
    BUT if there is no better, other way, I am not totally against them as well…

    I need that black dog out of here. Could I just “Shoo” it?? *wink*

  3. Yep. You just have to “Shoo” it. Many, many times with a really big stick.
    I am not trying to discover your off-line identifying information, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t give a shit who you are–I do. I just consider who you are to be Wallflower. 🙂

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