Jealousy, anger, fear or all?

Hello Monday! A new start of a new (boring?) week… *sigh*

I have written a post about jealousy on my non-anonymous blog just a few days ago. But there have been some things I didn’t really spell out, because I know some people who read it (not that I have many views…) and they would/could take it wrong. Or write comments based on me and not on the things I am writing down itself. So here, I am grabbing the chance to vent it all. To write it all. To really shout out what I feel. What I experience. And of course I hope some of you who read this take the time to post a comment. Be sure to check the “About commenting” page if you never commented here before.

I have copied my other blog post and will make additions to it, seeing the biggest part of it will be the same. Only, here I feel more free to add more information. Still am finding myself a fool for not thinking about an anonymous blog sooner…

If I repeat some things, which I do so every now and then, it is because these thoughts are in “control” at the time being. So if you see me repeating myself in this post or post that are still to come, you know what keeps my mind occupied the most. I will not apologize, seeing it is my blog. But without this “explanation”, you might have been wondering about it, thinking I was insane or so… (Here I go again, thinking bad thoughts that other people would be able to think about me if I would lead them to it in any way).

Wikipedia link

A thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is jealousy. Everyone has some of it in them, for many and no reasons at all. And I have been thinking about me, myself and I. If I think I am jealous and if so, in what context am I jealous and how did I come to be jealous. And what goes on inside of me when I have these feelings. Jealousy makes me feel diferent emotions at the time I am experiencing it. It depends on the situation and people involved. But most of the time I feel anger and betrayal. Have I always been jealous or did something (or things) improve those feelings, these emotions?

My jealousy comes from my uncertainty. And that comes from my trouble in trusting people. And that all starts in my childhood, since I was used one time too many, or two. Now it really takes me a lot of time till I really know someone and when I feel more at ease with him/her, then I can work on trust and a deeper friendship. A friendship in which I can share my personal feelings and thoughts without having to worry that this will fall in the hands of “wrong” people. That is, people I don’t know (or even don’t want/need to know) or know too well. People who will judge on hearsay instead of the real “story” behind it all.

So, this all “said”, I can easily say I have just a few friends who I really trust with all I am. I have many friends who do know me, but not all of me. And these friends I treasure because they are not easy to find and when you have such friends, you need to guard them with your life.
I know my “secrets” are safe with them and they won’t judge me on small stuff but on the whole package.

And then there are the good friends which became even closer friends: my lovers. I know that in the heat of the moment, things can be said which are too harsh and aweful. But those things can be patched up, if both sides are willing to. But the stuff I experience with them, sexual or simple stuff that happens at home, I want to be private. As it happens in a private enviroment. Yes, my best friends will know stuff that had happened when I need to let it all out. But the ones I share it with all know my loved ones and won’t use it against them (or me). The ones I share it with respect me and my lovers and know us. And my GF (girlfriend) knows who I confide in. And I always share it with her. I tell her that I have talked to one of these friends and if she would like to talk to that friend as well, she knows that this friend is up to date from my side of the “story”. I don’t go behind my GF or BF (boyfriend) spilling out all there is. I almost never have to spill me guts about my BF anyway. He’s easy going, but with a large users manual. And over the years I feel confident in having read a part of that manual already. My GF is sweet and caring, otherwise she wouldn’t be my GF… But she is also the one who can drag the blood out from under my fingernails, figure of speech…
So now, I was wondering if it was silly of me to ask of them to keep our private stuff just as it is: private. And if they needed to unwind, I gave them some names of friends who I felt “safe” with. The friends I just mentioned as the ones I can confide in.
But it all seems too hard, too difficult or too silly…

Ah well, this is all I am willing to share right now to give some insight into the whole jealousy thing.

I’ve never been too jealous till I got fooled by someone I love(d). I found out got lied to, and I found out what the real story was. It hurt. Cut deep. Tearjerker and all. Still can feel sh*t about it at times. And I guess that’s my trigger for my jealousy. And it also gave a huge dent into the faith I had in the honesty of people, especially people who stand close to you. And it gave me a bad feeling about myself as well. What was wrong with me that someone who was/is so close to me couldn’t tell me the truth? That someone who knew how important honesty is for me would risk a HUGE fight with me by lying to me. By challenging my believes in such a horrid way. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t be told the truth? I rather have the truth hurt me than be even more hurt when I find out I’ve been lied to. And instead of seeking the fault with the one who lied to me, I seek it within me. I go back many steps and I try to find out where I did something wrong, which would result in this being lied to and all…

So…if I am lied to and I find out about it, I get angry and my jealousy will stick it’s little head up once again. Since I want to know why I was being lied to. What made that person think I would be happier with lies instead of the truth? Why did that person think I wasn’t “truth material”? And all these questions make me insecure about myself, about the relationships I have and about the person who lied to me. But most of all, and maybe the stupidest thing too, I feel bad about it. I was lied to and instead of being only angry, I am researching my own faults that resulted in this all.

But has this “being lied to” had everything to do with my jealousy? Nope… I will write some more about my anger before going on to the rest of the jealousy part. I think my anger needs some writing time now first… All in good time…

Wikipedia link

YES, when I am lied to, I will become quite angry! But, as stated, not only at the person who lied to me, but also at myself. Angry at the person who told the lie(s) because he/she didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. And because if that person may know me well, he/she should know that I rather have the truth than believing something and then finding out that what I have been believing was all a darn lie. I am someone who finds out the truts in over 90% of the cases I was being lied to in… So here I am, angry, heart beating hard in my chest, veins in my head pumping, sweat breaking out… And while the person who has told the lie(s) may have so many “good” reasons and intentions… None will come through. Because I don’t give a f*ck about what might have been responsible for the lie, I want to know why I was denied the truth. And that part, they often leave out… Leave me guessing and after a while, second guessing myself over and over.
So that anger I have towards the “friend” (when someone lies to me, I really will question his/her “loyalty” towards me, if he/she is still considered a friend) will continue. And it will stay within my mind as long as I have no real closure. And the closure being the real reason for denying me the truth. Maybe there is a good explanation and I might have not been reasonable enough before to listen, so I will give/take a chance again to find out what caused it all.
But no closure also means: the anger that still lives inside of me, causing me much pain and grieve. Because it was probably all my own fault and I deserved to be lied to. But… Why, why, why???
Without the answer to that why question, I will not be able to go on. I will not be able to “forgive and forget”.

This anger that I have inside of me also leaves me with fear. And that fear can also be linked to my jealousy… It’s like walking within a circle. The one leads to the other and when you go on and on, you will end at the beginning once again.

Wikipedia link

Fear… I am not scared easily. And seeing I have had many surgeries, that is a good thing. I don’t fear a lot, but the things I do fear could drive me insane. My biggest fear is that my loved ones, my lovers, will find out they can do so much better than me and decide not to take my sh*t anymore and move on. Another fear is finding out that I have been lied to, because it hurts me deep inside. As I mentioned before. Those things are my biggest fears. Since I always am open and honest, and sometimes a bit too harsh with it all, I don’t have to fear that I’ll be caught on a lie. And somewhere, deep inside, I also fear of being used again by someone who I considered to be a friend. I have been used one time too many during my childhood and all and it scarred me a whole lot. I still “suffer” from it now and I guess it will always be a part of me. And maybe, because of that, I don’t treat people in a way that I dodn’t want to be treated myself. I have had to “learn” the hard way. I know what it’s like when people don’t treat you right. When they don’t treat you with respect. So the bullying did do something good in the end but that does not take away the fear it has built as well.
Since I don’t make friends easily, since I cherish my loved ones and lovers more than anything, I fear that I might lose them. And then I am back at the jealousy part. I know my BF will stick like glue. We have been together since 1998, we have been through a whole lot. Yes, when we first were together I was jealous because he still had much contact with his ex and she would really like to get back with him. She said it was over but the things she said were different from the things she did. And then, finally, she backed off and things were OK. But, seeing we’ve been together as a threesome ever since 2006 (and living together since 2008) it also means I/we have a GF. My BF is almost 5 years older but my GF is almost 7 years younger. And at times, that age difference is really noticeable. She didn’t have an easy childhood and even though I liked her in the beginning, a whole lot, it was the talks we had for hours and hours that really made me love her with all my heart and soul. Not my BF but my GF can hurt me most… Not physically… Mentally, because she knows me more and better than anyone else. Maybe that’s also the difference between boys and girls. I think girls can connect on deeper levels than boys can. That is my own experience after living with a man and woman for almost two years.
OK, so back to the topic of fear and jealousy. Maybe because her childhood was not all that well, maybe because she is still young or maybe it is her character… My GF trust people easily and because of that, she can be used easily. I have seen it happening in ways that made me angry and mad and sad at the same time. If I would really fear anything, it will be my GF making a mistake that would make me: jealous, angry and freaky sad… And since I have been through it before, I fear of having to go through it again. I think I can’t go through something like that without really, really breaking down in a huge, huge depression… Till now, I have only had depressions that are were named “mild” by my GP. I so hope that I never have to experience something that exceeds the mild version one. OK, so that is another think I fear.
But because I fear that someone has bad intentions with my GF, because I know she can be easily manipulated by the wrong people, because I fear losing her, that’s why I am jealous. But I would prefer the word protective…

Ah well. I think that this post is enough for now. I hope to see your comments. I would love to read them, discuss them. Thanks for your interest!

Take care everyone, cherish the friends and people you love and care about!


~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 1, 2010.

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