Some kind of monster

Here I am again. I will start with a short update on the Dachshund. He is doing fine, so far, and tomorrow afternoon we will know more. I am still feeling bad over the whole thing. And everyone keeps telling me this isn’t my fault. But why does it feel like that? I can’t convince myself that I am not, in one way or an other, am responsible for what happened. But well, no need to dwell on this now, I will just have to wait till tomorrow afternoon. Whether I like it…or not.

But I have been reading lately. I am not too far advanced in my “Overcoming Depression” book yet. I haven’t really felt like sitting down, being relaxed enough to read. But I have read a bit so far and I have been reading up on sites like Wikipedia. There I have found two sites that caught my interest. I will share the links with you.
Wikipedia links to:
Bipolar disorder
Mood disorder

I am wondering if I fit in any of these two kinds of disorder. I do feel like that my mood swings can be the result of a disorder. But I have been to a GP twice before and they never really felt like examining me further. They always said I have a mild depression and with some rest and pills I would be fine. I can’t remember the pills I had but I didn’t really feel like they were helping. The other times I tried to work it out by myself. I had no need for more, not helping, pills and at the times, I also didn’t feel like talking about it.

I have had psych sessions when I was 19 and those made me more down than up so well… Maybe it was my fault, maybe it was the psych who didn’t really handle it well. I am not sure, it’s been 10 years now.

Ah well, I will continue reading, whenever I feel like it, and see if I cam battle my monster by myself before seeking professional help. Maybe I shouldn’t be so stubborn and just go to my GP asap. But that would feel like giving up. I made a promise to myself and I need to go through. I need to keep myself up to my own promises. Otherwise, they’re worth nothing.

I know I have some friends and because of the TTL community forum, I am meeting new people. And that really feels good. It feels good to be able to chat openly about stuff that is keeping my mind occupied. The stuff that is holding my thoughts hostage at times. Making me feel many ways I hate to feel.

But talking to friends who haven’t got a clue of how a depression feels is hard. I don’t want to saddle them up with my troubles and they can only offer advice straight from their hearts but still, advice that I can’t really use. I can’t just “cheer up, there will be sunshine soon again” and stuff like that. If only it were THAT easy! Wow I guess if it were, many psychiatrists would be without a job and the pharmaceutical company would go bankrupt. Many people would be helped if it were that easy. And the thing is, I know they mean well. But seeing they can never fully understand me, I would hate to bug them with it.

I guess I will read up some more. And my GF wants me to do some Wii EA Active exercises with her soon. It will be good for me. But it’s always such a drag to get me started. When I am started, many times, I want to overdo it. Just because working up a sweat is a very positive thing in my vision. I need to work on me, myself and I. And not just mentally… I have written a post about it a while ago. If you wish to read it, follow this link.

I will put my laptop away for a while and maybe I will grab my book or maybe I will grab my journal. There are many options and at times I just know what I want to do. And then, when the time is right, I have no energy to do it. I don’t want to do it. I am reluctant to do it. So stupid of me. Looking forward to something and then… I have read that it can be part of my depression. And when I came to think of it, I have never been so wayward except when I have been feeling so f*cked up. So it might be true… Or it might be just me… *sigh*

Since I haven’t written a blog post yesterday, there was no “Wisdom Quote” of the day. So I will share one I have found on the big WWW with you now. I will even share two, since they were both made by the same man.

And remember: take care & thanks for caring!

Wise words by: Mohandas K. Gandhi:

“If your heart acquires strength,
you will be able to remove blemishes from others
without thinking evil of them.”

“The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”


~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 7, 2010.

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