Why the name: Lonely Wallflower?

When I needed to come up with a name for me, myself and I to use for this blog, e-mail/msn and the TTL forum, I came up with Lonely Wallflower. It immediately stuck with me and I loved it immediately as well. So I started to create the accounts I “needed”.

Some people have asked me why I chose this nickname for myself.
Well, I guess the name Lonely doesn’t really need an explanation. I could even look it up for ya on Wikipedia.org (I love that site and the information it can give you).
And Wallflower… Well, here in the Netherlands, people can be called like that when they just hang against walls all the time. But to me, a wallflower can be something beautiful, lurking nearby, but goes unnoticed most of the time. People just take the wallflower for granted without really enjoying it’s loveliness and colors. They don’t really pay attention, even though the flower is there. She can be seen, smelled and enjoyed. But no one really takes any notice, nor joy…
Well, that is kind of how I feel…

I am here. But the way I feel, I think I don’t do anyone any good. The way I experience myself, I think I am awful and no fun at all. I am only a burden and a weight that slows others down on their way to success. Deep inside there is a voice that goes against all these negative thoughts towards myself. But I can’t help it. This small voice is slowly losing terrain and the big bad wolf is slowly gaining it.

My mood swings can make even me crazy so I can only begin to imagine how others must feel around me. I have played a role before and normally I do succeed. I succeeded very well indeed, fooling many people around me that all is well when deep inside I wish I could just stand on top of a high building and take the chance to spread my wings and fly… Maybe I am ashamed for the way I feel about myself. Although I did tell my GF that I did join a forum to chat/meet other people who suffer from depressions. I also told her about creating a blog, this one. I didn’t bother to tell my BF. As I mentioned before, he rather takes a step back until he feels I’m in safe waters again. He’s not a talking guy. He will be there for me, but in his own way. And I am OK with it. At times, I do with I would be able to talk more with him about stuff that’s bothering me. But I know that it won’t work nor help so I don’t really bother.

But ah well…. Thanks for your interest, once more, with feeling!

“If one is estranged from oneself,
then one is estranged from others too.
If one is out of touch with oneself,
then one cannot touch others.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 7, 2010.

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