To do or not to do…

What should I do?
What is the best option?
Are my ideas and goals reachable?
Are my assumptions accurate?

So many questions, so much time to think them over and over and so little chance of getting a correct and decent answer. And I guess it’s not really fair to make up answers to my own questions. Seeing it would be very easy to manipulate the answer so that I will like it. The answers I seek are not for me to give. The questions however, I am free to ask. But the problem is now that I haven’t got the faintest idea of who I can turn to for the answers I desire so much. Is there just one person who will guide me to all I want/need to know? Does that person really exist? Or do I need to “consult” more people in order to get the information I seek? Or are some of my answers so difficult and/or complex that they may never be answered at all?

With these questions, sometimes answered by other questions, I can keep myself quite busy. Maybe a bit too busy…

So what I am wondering about now: what do I think I suffer from? If I had to self diagnose myself, what would I say I have? But is it wise for me to try and find out what I (think I) have? But knowing me, I want to know more about all the things it could be before going to a professional. I want to be a bit more certain of all the symptoms. I need to be more sure about me. Not that I can’t trust the pro. But I am someone who always wants to know more about stuff. I don’t take anything and/or everything for granted. When I found out I had hip problems the first time, the WWW wasn’t as wide as it is now. Nor was it as cheap/fast/expanded as it is now. Seeing it was back in 1997 when I had my first surgery. But when I heard I was in need of a new hip, that was in 2008, I Googled the whole WWW to know more about all my options. I know that not all the info on the WWW is very reliable. But still, it is more than knowing nothing…

So is it really silly of me to try and sum up all the differences in my mood swings? I am thinking about when I was most vulnerable to the swings, what caused me to snap. I am thinking of how I was as a small kid. I have always been very, very bad with unexpected changes. If I pictured something, how it should be, how it normally used to be and it would turn out quite different… I could really snap! Had it as long as I can remember and still am suffering of it now. Maybe it is also linked with my big, at times huge, mood differences. Going to bed, feeling well, feeling good even, having great sex with my loved ones before sleepy time… And then waking up with a huge headache, feeling like I have been hit by a truck while I was sleeping and that during the upcoming day, nothing will and/or can go right. Feeling damn tired, but in need to get up because my lower back/pelvis will hurt when I lay down too long. Even if I wouldn’t want to get up, even if my head feels like it’s a tickin’ time bomb,my back will kill me before my head will.

Ah well… Back to another topic before ending this blog post. A small update about my parent’s dachshund: he’s with us for the night. Tomorrow afternoon we have yet another VET appointment and hopefully his drain will go out. At my parent’s place, he (the dog) is allowed to go to bed with my mom (she goes to bed first, most of the time). My dad will pick him up before he goes to bed himself. So when our BF went to bed a while ago…he wanted to come along, haha! So our own dog if occupying our GF’s lap and the dachshund is sharing a bed with our BF for now… I hope all will go well tomorrow. I still feel bad about the whole incident with that nasty other dog who grabbed our little guy… Still it gives me nightmares and still I feel responsible.

I have had a few good days last week. But the thing with the dog and VET stuff… It’s taken it’s toll… So I do hope the VET will have only good news for me tomorrow… I could SO use some GOOD news…

I will leave you with yet another Wisdom Quote. Thanks for reading, even more thanks for commenting… I will be back for sure folks 😉

One of the most beautiful gifts in the world
is the gift of encouragement.
When someone encourages you,
that person helps you over a threshold
you might otherwise never have crossed on your own.

John O’Donohue


~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 9, 2010.

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