So tired

Hello y’all!

I know it’s been a while. But I have been either too busy or too tired to really sit down and blog. I did write a little bit in my old fashioned Journal and I also read some pages of my Overcoming Depression book. But still, it feels like I have neglected you.And for that, I am sorry.

It’s just that I have been sleeping quite bad lately. And when I do sleep, it feels like I can’t seem to find any real rest. I never really am able to remember any dreams/nightmares. I just wake up with either a good or really bad feeling and those feelings will tell me the last thing that was keeping my mind busy before waking up. And lately I just can’t seem to be able to wake up with a good feeling. I am, at times, bathing in sweat. And at other times, I know I have sweat before waking up because I feel so cool/cold while my shirt is icky. Because of my hip and back troubles I am not able to stay in bed long, as I believe this is something I have mentioned before. Even when I am ill with a fever, I have to walk around every now and then or I will be more stiff than a dead body where rigor mortise has already fully set in…

I just don’t know what to do to be able to sleep well, to feel rested.

A big part of my life I have had pain at my jaw. I could let it “knack” with one single move. Finally my dentist saw that I was locking my jaw while I slept. It even locked so good at times, that I had to hit myself against my jaw to get it opened again. And it also wasn’t doing my teeth any good either. So I got a simple dental guard. it was OK, but not the best there was, at least this one didn’t work well for me. And then they wanted to adjust it and something went wrong and it got so stuck on my teeth that it took 1,5 hours to get it off. Then, because of all I had to endure, they offered to make me a new, better one. This one is really WAY better (but it was more expensive, not that I had to pay for it, seeing my own dentist had killed it). There are ready to use dental guards available but mine is especially made for me, which makes it a whole lot better. Wearing it isn’t always really comfortable, but it does help my jaw to relax (and my teeth to not be pulverized to little stumps). And I also am experiencing a little less headaches. But the coming and going depression and mood swings and all still leave me with more of a headache than I could ever wish for (feel the sarcasm there folks!).
But it made me wonder if my teeth grinding also has something to do with my bad sleeping. With the nightmares that I can’t seem to really remember. Although there are a few reoccurring nightmares which I seem to remember in flares and know what they are about, because they are reflections of things that really happened. Ever since last week’s Friday (the attack on the sweet, small Dachshund, check blog “Why why why?“) I keep seeing his little body being flung around. Like he’s a small toy that needs to fly. Like he doesn’t seem to matter. And when I wake up, I often feel a tear or two still on my cheeks… I can’t seem to shake these images from my retina. Tomorrow, well, actually it’s today already, he has his 3rd check-up and hopefully the drain may finally be taken out. It’s not just me who’s shaken up by the whole incident, the dog has a trauma as well. It’s so sad to see him behave as nervous as he is right now. And I must admit that it doesn’t help me to feel anything but guilty about it all. I am still very grateful that the nasty big dog didn’t hit an artery. I wouldn’t be able to cope knowing I caused his death (I know I didn’t do it myself, but I was the one who took the dog along, as you might have read in the “Why”blog post). I don’t believe in a real God or Allah, I do believe there is something out there, bigger than us all. Some might refer to Allah or God, I refer to “the One I believe in”. I haven’t really given it a name. But I am very grateful that it (giving that almighty a gender might cause “trouble” as well, seeing most people see the almighty as a man, I think it could as well be a woman) decided to spare the little dog’s life.

I guess if my parent’s dog had died, that my depression had won me over and I really would not know what to do with myself. I know this worrying isn’t needed seeing the doc does think that he will be fine, besides the shock he is still living with. But still, in my nightmares, he does leave his earthy life at times and yes, at times (as far as I remember) so do I. Unable to live with the guilt that I self inflict…

But I am so tired and still I don’t want to go to bed. I want to write, blog, read and listen to music. I dread the nightmares that are lining up for me. There are so many things that I want to do. And, as mentioned before, when I finally have the time to do them, most of the time my interest is gone. And when I decide to let it go, later on I feel bad about it. Seeing I had really wanted it to do before and also after but just not when the time was right. I am someone who always knew what she wanted but right now, I can’t really seem to make up my mind.

I am someone who always tries to make a plan and wants to stick to it 100%. I have no interest in changing stuff when I like it the way it is, when it makes me feel comfortable the way I do it or it’s been done in general. I want to know in advance what I am up to. I hate it when stuff drastically changes in the end and when there’s nothing I can do to change it to the way I need it to be done. I can get disappointed (when I have made the plan myself), mad (when others seem to f*ck with my plan) and sad (after I got disappointed and mad at myself and/or others). I can get really idiotic about a small change of plan. I can freak out at people I care for. And I do believe that I have mentioned this before. But still it feels like it is an important aspect to all the mood swings I experience. I have had this need to be in charge of things for as long as I can remember (age of 3 or 4). I now think it could work as a trigger for my mood swings in general as well. Need to do some research on it, but it does feel like I am on the right track working this out. If anyone of you has any experience, please comment me here. Anonymous comments (or by nickname) are welcome too. As long as the “rules” of commenting on this blog are being obeyed.

Ah well, seeing it’s past 1 A.M. I guess it’s time to post this all and leave it at that for tonight. The dachshund has a doc’s appointment but a few hours before it, my GF has an appointment as well. Hopefully we’ll find out more about what’s going on with her. I just hope that I am not the cause of it all, with my depression and my mood and all. I am afraid that I might be one of the reasons for the stuff that is bothering her so much… But for now it’s only guessing so I will quit that (no one will get better and/or wiser if I go on guessing about it) and get ready for bed.

Thanks for your interest, thanks for caring and also thanks for commenting, if you chose to do so.

PS. sorry no wisdom quote for now, will see if I can post 2 at the next post I make here. thanks for understanding.

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 12, 2010.

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