Auto mutilation

First of all, to the readers who don’t know what auto mutilation is, click to follow this link. But another word for auto mutilation is self-harm. It means that you inflict pain on yourself, due to several reasons. And that is what I want to write about now. I can tell you that I am not a cutter nor do I smoke (and put the fags on my body). I do something totally different, have been doing it for quite some years now. And I am wondering if it is also a part of my symptoms, if it is a part of my mood swings and coming and going depressions…

I have a pretty hard skull. I have used it many times in games where you needed to put in weight, heavily… Where others used their arms, I used my head… I know, silly me…

But during the early mood swings, as I recognize them now, I started to have these awful headaches. And all I did would never make it feel less painful. All but one thing: bang my head against hard, solid objects. I guess I have given myself several concussions because of it… I only do this when my mood is at my worst and when my headache is really becoming unbearable to go on with. Then I will knock my head so hard against anything that is solid (and able to resist my big thick head) until the new pain which is inflicted by the banging is bigger than the depression headache. It really is the only thing that makes the depression headache seem less bad. Like the new, auto mutilated headache, is so mean it scares the depression headache away…

There isn’t much to add to this I guess. When I am depressed and the headaches it gives me are too much to handle…I bang my head… The headache that gives me makes the depression headache seem like a walk through the park… Some times I am “lucky” because when the self inflicted headache eases away, the depression headache seems to have become less awful. But at other times, when the self inflicted headache leaves, the other one comes back at full strength. There are no guarantees whether the headache lessens or not with time. I only know that when the depression headache lessens, when it quietly slips away, it even becomes a bit easier to deal with the other effects of the depression.

Does anyone have any experiences with auto mutilation? Anything you would feel free to comment about? If you rather comment in private, you can email me at “lonely _ wallflower @ hotmail . com” (without the spaces, I hope that spammers will leave my email alone when I don’t use the complete address as link).

Thanks for reading, even more thanks for any comments and/or email comments.

Seeing I have posted a few Wisdom Quotes already, I will start with some new quotes next week.
Ta-ta for now dears!

~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 14, 2010.

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