To do now, later or never…

At times, I am wondering if I am still me…
At times, I am seeking to the me I used to be…
At times, I am drowning in a sea of uncertainties…
At times, I am too busy doing nothing…

And I can go on and on. I used to be someone who always know what I wanted to do and also do all I could to achieve those goals. I used to know what I needed and get it. When I made a plan, I needed to stick to it like glue. Otherwise I would be disappointed and mad at myself. Or maybe even at others for getting in the way. I have mentioned before that for me, making these plans, has been something I have done ever since I was a kid. And that it is very important to myself. I guess because I see a plan as a kind of agreement/promise and I hate to break agreements/promises. That goes for the ones I make and also the ones that are made to me. I am someone who, normally, would go through great lengths to get what I want.

But lately, I seem to make many plans. There are things which I can look forward to, get really excited about, and then, then the time is there to do these things… I just don’t feel like it anymore. And these reactions, made purely by me, are not like I used to know me. It’s silly and also a bit hard to explain.

It makes me feel so stupid. I want to do something so badly and in the end I mess it all up because I only seemed to what it back then and not now anymore. Like I only want what I can’t have. That would do no one any good. But still, at times it seems like I am “hurting” myself like this. I hate to leave stuff behind which I intended to do. But my body, mind and heart just don’t seem to connect at times. I can long so much, I can ache for it to happen, and when it is happening I can be as bored as anything…

I just can’t seem to shake these feelings, these emotions and finally get back to who I used to be. To be able to stick to my own made plans, to be able to have fun while doing them, to feel good about myself when it was all neatly done. But I can’t seem to find the strength to go on with anything. OK, the blog posting is still working OK, but I can do that while sitting on my big behind and just typing… The same with writing in my Journal, though I seem more reluctant  at times. Maybe because the writing is not as easy to achieve as the typing?

I also really wanted to get in shape by using several Wii “games”. I have mentioned this before in an older blog post, which you can find here. But it is just so hard to get started every time. Once I am motivated enough, I will be able to go for it. So to motivate me, I made an appointment with our neighbor for Monday around noon. We will Wii together and try to work on our unemployed bodies, hoping they will be employed soon again.

Things I used to love to do now seem so inadequate. I never had problems doing anything I love until now. I used to be super motivated to get to the gym, work out, have fun and all. But now, it’s all blaaahhhh…. I still like to have fun but at times it is hard because deep inside there are still these bad moods, lurking to escape. So while having fun with friends and/or a game, I always feel like I need to be on the lookout as well… To protect the ones I am with from any of my outbursts when my mood decides to swing around again and doesn’t feel the need to check it with me first. If only I could say: not now, come back later, or well, never come back at all!

Am I the only one out there who can’t seem to focus enough to get things done? I did read that it could be one of the symptoms that depression has. And seeing I never felt like this before, ow wait, I did feel like this before and it was then that my GP told me I had a mild depression. So well, I guess it is part of it. Or at least, for me it is.
So I was/am wondering how it is with the readers of this blog. Do you have difficulties in doing things you used to love to do?

I am looking forward to your comments. As always, they are really appreciated and welcome. Thanks for reading and I will be back!

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
John Powell


~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 14, 2010.

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