Several blog post topics…

So far I have written about several things of what I believe are symptoms of my depression. Or, I guess I should write, depressions, seeing I have had more than one of them (unfortunately).

So I have decided to check Wikipedia once more to see how the signs and symptoms that are mentioned there as able to occur have affected me. Interested in what the signs and symptoms are? Interested in how I see them within me? Please continue reading this post then… Or if you just like the way I write, or you want to know more about me… Well, if you want to read this, feel free to do so! That’s what this blog’s all about!

Extract from Wikipedia.org:

There are many symptoms that signify depression. The frequency, duration, and severity of these symptoms will vary depending on the individual. Some signs and symptoms that can occur include:

  • Anger and/or irritability
  • Persistent sadness, the feeling of being “empty”, and anxious
  • Changes in sleep patterns (insomnia, in particular during the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping which is also known as hypersomnia)
  • Loss of interest in everyday activities
  • Appetite or weight changes (a significant weight gain or loss, by more than 5% of body weight)
  • Irritability or restlessness
  • Loss of energy
  • Concentration problems
  • Fear of failure
  • Repetition in speech
  • Unexplained aches and pains
  • Frequent thoughts of suicide or death
  • Compulsive-obsessive disorders (such as chewing fingernails)
  • Inability to control spending or eating
  • Feeling worthless or ignored

Some of these things I really recognize and I also wrote about it here.

I can become angry easily (much more now than when I feel better about myself) and that goes together with me being very irritable… I get irritated about things around me, about people around me, easily now too. Normally I couldn’t give a damn about people around me that I don’t know or need to know. But now, I cam become agitated about stuff that most people wouldn’t even be bothered with…

I am feeling sad about myself and many other things as well too. What happened to my parent’s dog still makes me feel sad because the dog has to deal with all this, as do my parents, because I took him along. Yes, I know I didn’t bite him myself and I know I didn’t tell that other dog to grab him and shake him like that… But it still makes me sad… And also mad with myself, or is it mad at myself, well maybe it’s both. Also, when I read other people’s stories on the TTL forum (check the links section on the right), those posts can make me sad as well. Sad for all they have to go through…

Changes in sleep pattern… Well, due to my hip problems, which have resulted in me having back problems as well, I can’t stay in bed as long as I like to… Most of the time, after about 8 hours, my back just tells me to get up, if I want to or not… This also occurs when I am ill… I can’t stay in bed all day, not without many painkillers then to keep my backaches durable. But my sleeping patterns can change as easy as my mood seems to be able to change at times. Or I am not sleepy and really have insomnia… Or I feel tired all day and all I want to do is stay in bed, alone with my own troubles and problems…

Loss of interest in everyday activities… Well I do believe I have written more than one post about that. And it’s not that I don’t like my interests anymore. I even hate that I am not able to really enjoy my everyday activities like I used to do. I used to love reading, especially when I am on vacation. I could sink my thoughts into a good book and just not want to stop reading till I flipped the final pages of it… But now, I can’t seem to concentrate enough… I do the normal household chores but I don’t get as much satisfaction of it as I used to. I am happy when it’s done. But more because it means I have more time for other things that I wanted to do and not because the house is clean. Don’t get me wrong, I am quite happy when the house is clean and the chores for yet another day. As I wrote before, it’s hard to get myself to do things which I normally did without ease and with many pleasure.

Appetite or weight changes… Been there, done that. Ever since my hip troubles became more dominant, my weight has been shifting back and forth. Well, lately more forth than back. In October 2008, when I got my new metallic hip, my weight was 70 kilo’s. Now, I am not sure what the weight of that hip is, seeing they didn’t take a lot of bone off and only put the metal on it, some of my weight might be due to my prosthesis. But now, even if I try to eat healthier, exercise more and all, I am currently 80 kilo’s. After the surgery I gained some weight and then I got it back to 73 kilo’s. Until a few months ago I didn’t fit into my pants anymore… And well… I was 83 kilo’s at the top, so I am happy that I already took 3 kilo’s off my buying less candy and chips for myself. Whenever I feel f*cked up, I eat, a whole lot. At times I do feel guilty, which then, results in me feeling sick and throwing up…

Irritability or restlessness… Well, I have mentioned that I can be quite irritable at times. Restlessness, well, I have to think about it. At times I can be really restless and at other times… It really depends enormous on the mood swing I am experiencing at the moment.

Loss of energy. Well I have mentioned a few times that I keep feeling so tired. That I can’t seem to do what I so long for. I guess that’s enough on this symptom.

Concentration problems, YES please. Ow wait, rather not, but I do have problems on concentrating. I can start something and enjoy it and still lose my concentration while being at it.

Fear of failure: am there RIGHT now! I have not one but two job interviews this week (I have had one so far, but never really had a chance, still wondering why they made me come over back then) and I am sooooo scared of f*ckin’ it all up! Of course I won’t be the only one whom they called and of course there may always be people that are much more qualified. But they did call me, ask me to come instead of sending a letter or e-mail telling me they were not interested, but thanks anyway.

Repetition of speech… Lately I have been repeating things often, mostly to myself. My head feels like a sieve lately. Normally I can remember many things, very very well and now I can think of something and go for it and then don’t even remember what it was that I was going to do. So if I repeat myself often, it helps me remember

Unexplained pains and aches. I have had so many pains and aches throughout the last several years, I am almost accustomed to them all. And seeing I still have some pain medication (I hardly use it, but I still have it because at times, I really need some medication), the pains that are too bad can be easily “killed” for a while… And I have many, many, many sore muscles…

Frequent thoughts of suicide or death. Hmm… Heavy… I really have bad mood swings in which I do think about it. But not very frequent (luckily). There are several passages in my Journal where I considered suicide. Where I do think the world is, at times, better of without me. Where others would have easier lives if I wasn’t around to bother them anymore. Won’t go to deep in this symptom. Made my point. Bad, very bad mood swing equals suicide thoughts…

Compulsive-obsessive disorders (such as chewing fingernails). I have ALWAYS chewed my fingernails… And when I could reach them, even my toenails (I know, disgusting…). I do have some things which cam be seen as compulsive-obsessive, but as far as I know, I have had these “ticks” for a long time. Might be that ever since I have been depressed for the first time, some symptoms never really left? *wondering now*

Inability to control spending or eating. OWWWWW eating seems sooooo good at times (guess that is connected to the weight gain, wouldn’t you think 😉 ). Spending money is going well, when you don’t have much you can’t spend much either… But eating… These food cravings… Delightful! (Until I get sick of myself and have to puke).

Last but not least on this list: Feeling worthless or ignored. Been there, done that, been there again and again… Just read though my previous (and upcoming maybe) posts and you will see for yourself…

Ah well, this post is big enough for now. I will Google a nice wisdom quote for y’all to enjoy and then I will relax and get to bed in time… Important day tomorrow!

Two small but worthy quotes of Salvador Dali, 1904-1989, Spanish Painter, Printmaker

“Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it.”

“Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings”

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 16, 2010.

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