Losing you…

…things will never be the same…

I have been e-mailing a lot lately with a dear friend that I have met at TTL. Both he and I lost someone that was close to us a few days ago. And though the causes of the loss were different, we both have to deal with the pain it inflicts on us.

I wanted to quote a part of an e-mail I have recently send to my friend. And I guess my friend won’t mind me using these phrases here as well, seeing they can have meaning to all who read this blog. Or maybe just stumble upon this blog by “mistake”.
Quotation of a part of my e-mail:
Yes it is strange that someone you have recently seen, someone who had all the intention of living a good as possible life, can so easily slip away. Either by own choice or by illness. When you close your eyes it’s so easy to recall the last time you saw him/her, you chatted together about things that seemed so normal and now they are suddenly more important. I have thought about this all quite often, every time someone I cared for slipped away, and I always end up both sad and grateful. Sad for the loss and grateful that I had the opportunity of knowing this wonderful person. Even though I would want to have had that pleasure for many more years, that option sadly wasn’t mine to choose.

I really have thought about this a lot. I have lost several people that were close to me. Last night, I ended up counting them, because our GF told me that the cremation of our friend this Saturday would be the second one she’s ever been to. She is fortunate enough to never have been to a funeral, only to the two cremations she mentioned. I have been to many of them, when I was done counting I ended on the count of 9. So tomorrow will be my tenth. And it never gets easier, you never get used to losing someone so definitely.

When you have a row with someone, it can be about just a simple, minor thing. If the person you had that row with means a whole lot to you, I would advise you to try and make it up. I have lost someone who meant the world to me at age 16 (I was 16 at the time) and the last spoken words had not been to kind. I still regret that those were my final words I had exchanged with that person. I never thought I would not get the chance to make it right. It only shows how fragile human life really is.

It also shows how often we take people for granted. You never really believe that they will leave you unexpectedly. Because you somehow have a connection to them. You feel secure around them. When the person you know is neither ill nor old, you just assume that you will have plenty of time to spend together with him/her. You don’t think about the consequences, about that you would do if that person slips away totally unexpectedly. It would be very horrid as well if the only thing that would keep your mind working would be the thoughts of losing someone you care about.

But maybe, a little maybe, those thoughts would help you to appreciate them more. If, at times, you would stand still and think about a dear friend. You remember meeting him/her. You remember stuff you have been through together, the good times and the bad times, and how you dealt with it. Not alone, but together. If you then think the morbid thoughts on what would happen if that friendship would cease to exist. What would you lose? What would you miss most? The things that pop up first are the ones that, in my opinion, define your friendship best. And to focus on those things might make you appreciate it all more than you have ever done before. And maybe, if you are feeling down, you could grab your journal and just write all that comes to mind about your friend and the friendship the both of you share. All these positive things might come in handy when you feel bad about yourself. Just re-read all you wrote about your dear friends and keep in mind, that they also value you as their friend. Maybe on different points from their point of view, but still, your friendship means a lot to both of you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be friends. Otherwise the friendship wouldn’t feel so right.

So I know what I will do soon. I will burn some incense (I love the Lotus Gold ones by “Mother’s Fragrance”), inhale it deep and find myself more relaxed, grab my journal and sit down and write. Write all I can come up with about my friends. About the friendships I have and what they mean to me. And maybe try to see in me what they see in me as well. And just keep on writing as long as my fountain pen is willing to support me and as long as my hand is not cramping up. I have my new journal laying ready as it is, so I don’t need to worry about running out of paper.

Ever since I have created this blog, I have written more and more here and not that much in my old fashioned journal. I am saving all the RSS feeds of this blog tough, to have a kind of digital journal back-up just in case. I will see what I can do with these files in a later moment.

I need to get ready for the vet’s appointment, the job interview and well, all other things that will happen today. Looking forward to your comments on this post.

“It is better to do one’s own duty,
however defective it may be,
than to follow the duty of another,
however well one may perform it.
He who does his duty as his own nature reveals it,
never sins.”

Laozi [Lao Tzu, Lao Tse]

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 19, 2010.

2 Responses to “Losing you…”

  1. A very touching post. I have been to a lot of funerals over many years and each one is often touching. It’s only this week that losing mum has hit me the hardest and I’m beginning to experience some delayed grief… I didn’t really grieve properly when she died, I threw myself into a certain Gessle tour and then other things followed to keep myself busy and now on her first anniversary and mother’s day I’ve become to overwhelmed with such strong emotions, it feels like I am falling apart all over again.

    I’m thinking of you, stay strong x

    • It’s indeed hard when you don’t allow yourself the time to deal with your (sudden) loss. You can try to overcome this, but in the end, you still need the time to properly grief, cry and all that comes along with it.
      You have my email dear if you need to “talk” about it. Thanks for caring, reading and commenting *hugs*

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