How to feel…

I am wondering how I should feel, given the circumstances. What emotions are the “right ones” to be experiencing right now? At times I wish there was a list somewhere on the internet or in a book. A list which would inform you on all the right feelings, summed up by different circumstances.

A checklist, if you please. Of you have recently loved someone you cared about and/or loved, feel this….. If you have lost your job and you can’t seem to be hired for a new one, feel this… If you have an amazingly bad week, feel this….
But these lists aren’t available anywhere. Everyone experiences things in a different way. That also depends on their state of mind whenever it was that “went wrong” occurred. If you are strong and have a solid foundation, you can catch more blows (I believe) then when you are weakened already and you have no foundation to fall back on at all. But when you catch blow after blow, your foundation can be blown to bits as well. When you have no one to lean on, no one to help you during your hard times…

I am not alone though. But because of my depression and mood swings, I can feel like that at times. I sometimes am such a horrid person, have such a bad mood swing, that people would rather take two steps back away from me. I fully understand that though, I know I can be really bad, obnoxious even at times. So people who take a step back when I am really in a pissed off mood, I will only say that they are very clever and smart. Because, when I really feel flipped, I often would like to be alone. But at other times, I would really love it if someone would dare to hold me close, keep me safe from myself and my mood swing. As said, I think people are wise if they take a step back, but at times I wish that they would just step in.

But how I would like to know what feelings can be seen as appropriate and normal when different things, sad and bad things, happen in your life. What do people expect from you? Do they have any expectancies at all concerning to your reactions, feelings and emotions?  How long and “heavy” may these feelings and emotions be? Is there a time limit on feeling sad, angry, lost or mad?

When I found out that I was depressed (again), I wanted to know more about it. I had been depressed before, but never had the “courage” nor “strength” to research this nasty illness. I wanted to know more about it, to read what others had to say about it. I wanted to see if I would be able to recognize anything in what others had to say about depressions. What are the most common symptoms, which symptoms are less common but can still be related to it? Seeing I have been depressed before, but never have been diagnosed with anything but a “mild depression” so far… I have to admit that I haven’t been to the GP since last December… I still have to go and see if I can get a “solid” diagnoses. I would like to know “for sure” what kind of illness I have been suffering from on and off ever since the age of 16… But as I have mentioned in previous posts here on this blog, I want to research all I can. Not to make a self-diagnose and keep it at that. But to know what is out there, and to check for myself where I think I might fit in in this all.

It would be so easy at times to have someone sitting on your shoulder to help you out.

Devil and Angel
Although it might be better to have the angel and not the devil on there…

I am just overwhelmed with many feelings, emotions and most of all, anger and confusion. So many things that are occupying my mind. So many things I am sad and mad about…

Ah well, I will search now for a quote for today.

All blame is a waste of time.
matter how much fault you find with another,
and regardless of how much you blame him,
it will not change you.
The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you
when you are looking for external reasons
to explain your unhappiness or frustration.
You may succeed in making another feel guilty
about something by blaming him,
but you won’t succeed in changing whatever
it is about you that is making you unhappy.

Casey Dillon Stengel


~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 21, 2010.

One Response to “How to feel…”

  1. I actually do have some documentation on the feelings one experiences during grief. The papers come from a death and dying section of a social working guide for hospice jobs.
    The papers are horribly inaccurate as they attempt to plot the average experience. That being said, it is nice to see that a lot of what you feel in normal and not psychologically atypical.

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