It’s Easter

Easter PoohHello everyone and welcome at my first day of Easter post. Not sure where this post will lead me, but I will type and see how it goes. Some times I sit down and just know what I want to write about and go for it. Other times, I have so many things going through my head that it could take me almost everywhere… So where to go this time? I could tell you about working on my mind and getting myself into making an appointment with my GP to finally get a diagnose on what I am having/experiencing these last few months. I have thought about it for a while, but am still scared to go. Scared of the consequences that might come with it. Not sure if these are real consequences or if they only exist in my mind. Also wondering about how things are going at home. At times, all goes well and I can feel a bit more at ease. But at other times, I feel like sh*t and down and I pretend that the people who say they love me only say it to be able to make use of me. But then I wonder what use I could be to them? Yes, my self-esteem goes down and drags me along with it. At times I am wondering if it’s all worth it. If it’s real or imagination. If it’s a dream or nightmare.So well, where to begin and where to end? I guess I should start at the very beginning, since it is a very good place to start (according to Dame Julie Andrews’ character Maria in The Sound of Music). But now I need to find the item to begin with. Ah well, I will just go along and type what ever comes up in my mind.

OK then, there it goes. I will start with a very recent “event” that’s now bugging me. I have mentioned before that our GF is diagnosed with a burn-out. And I am not sure how to deal with my own “problems” and hers to go along with that. At times I am not sure how to react to her. The depression mood swings often make me want to ignore her, let her go to hell or something like that, seeing I have enough troubles as it is. But the me that is hidden deep inside makes me want to help her, be there for her, even though it’s frakking hard! (I know the English term is freaking, but when you’ve seen Battlestar Galactica, you know what I mean). I want to help her but in the mean time I also want some time from her. I want her to understand me, to be there for me, maybe even more than she thinks… But at times, I don’t even understand myself, so how could she understand me then? Am I expecting too much from her, because I can’t handle it all? Am I pushing her too much or?
So many questions and so little answers. I hate that. I wish there was a website or so where I could enter all my queries and get a direct and correct answers within 24 hours and just know where I stand. Know what I can expect from me, what I can expect from others. But also what others may expect from me.

I know that I will always do my best. But lately, it’s been hard to get my sorry excuse for an @$$ into working mode. When it’s for someone else, I am more eager to do it then when it’s for me. I know, people call me a giver and I know why they do so. They also tell me I should become a bit more of a taker as well. And that I should stop and think about myself for a while every now and then, before I rush into another thing I can do to help out a friend.

Often I wonder myself, why it’s so hard to be there for myself as I want to be there for others. Why can I help others with advice and not take the same advice for myself? Why can I talk to others about getting help and all but am I so reluctant to go out and get help myself? At times, I feel like I’m making no sense, really no sense at all. Who am I to tell someone to seek help and work on it when I am too scared to go out and seek it for myself??? Why should people take my advice when I am not following the same advice myself? I know I did help our GF into seeking help and all, but I like to think that my own situation is so much different from others that I can’t follow that same advice.

So why am I so reluctant to seek help? I do believe I have mentioned this before in previous posts, but well, I feel like trying to figure it out once more, so here I go!

  • If I go to my GP and get diagnosed, it’s “real”. The things I am experiencing and feeling will be real and have a name.
  • What if I need counseling and/or pills? What will happen to me then?
  • What if I find a job and still need pills and/or counseling? Will that make me a less worthy employee? Will people still want to hire me (well, they’re sure not hiring me now…), knowing I have this diagnose and all that comes with it?
  • What if I react badly to the pills and/or counseling? HOW will I react to either of those???
  • Will my friends still want to spend time with me, knowing I am a “loony”?
  • How will I afford the help I need when my health insurance is over (we only get a certain amount of treatments by a shrink or so)?
  • And so on, and so on and well, so on…

So these are the Q’s that keep me from going. But I have decided that if I don’t get the job (seeing they haven’t called me this week, like they promised; so either it’s been too busy, she forgot or I am not hired), I will make that doc’s appointment. I will face one of my greatest fears and just do it. But even now as I am typing this, the doubts start rising and I start feeling less and less OK with this decision I just made. So now I wonder, am I a coward? Do I lack the courage and strength needed to make this step? Why could I be there for our GF and push her to work on it, to see the GP and also, to make an appointment with a shrink for next week? WHY was it so much easier to help her than it is to help myself make the same steps? Is it because  I fear that what I have is much “worse” than what she has? Or maybe they’ll say that there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s all within my imagination? There are so many questions… Too many…

I ask and ask myself so many times
Only to keep quiet when an answer’s needed
Why do I dwell on so many questions?
Knowing they can never be answered
Do I like to haunt myself?
With nightmares and doubts all around?
It is a way to torture myself?
What am I hoping to accomplish?
Will the questions ever seize to exist?
If only I had the answers…

Since I haven’t posted a Wisdom Quote for a while, I will post 2 for today.

Please don’t hesitate to comment. And if you’re not sure about commenting, check out the link “About commenting” on the right, under Blog Info. Thanks!

Moral cowardice that keeps us
from speaking our minds
is as dangerous to this country as irresponsible talk.
The right way is not always the popular and easy way.
Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character.

Margaret Chase Smith

Power is the faculty or capacity to act,
the strength and potency to accomplish something.
It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions.
It also includes the capacity to overcome
deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher,
more effective ones.

George Bernard Shaw

Easter Piglet
Happy Easter y’all!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 4, 2010.

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