It will happen soon!

Scared/worried TiggerHello all,

I wrote before that, if I didn’t hear anything from the last job interview, I would make an appointment at the GP. Well, on Wednesday morning, our GF called our GP for an appointment for me (for some reason, I couldn’t make this call myself). I wanted to have the appointment with my own GP, Dr. D., and now I will see him on Monday morning, 10:40. The secretary scheduled double appointment time for me. Our GF will come with me. BF doesn’t know about this all. He’s very skeptic towards “depression” and he has mentioned this before towards me. So well, I know he supports me, as long as I don’t “bother” him about it all. I am glad to know that our GF will be there to support me. By calling for an appointment, by going with me… It feels good not to be alone in this. Although at times I do feel like I am on my own…I was very down yesterday. Tears were burning behind my eyes, almost urging me to let them out. I feel very isolated at times. I felt happy when I could help out the friend with his job. It felt good to go out of the house, do some work which also immediately showed me positive results. But that was only for a few hours and a few days. So after that, I felt worthless and useless all over again. BF has his own little company, where he gets to visit many companies and do many projects (well, he’s setting them all up anyway). GF has work, study and an internship to keep her busy. She has outings with her colleagues and fellow students.
And all things BF and GF do, work/study related, are for them only. Never can they bring their partner(s). So I am always home alone when they are out. I have to listen to them telling much about how much fun they had doing their stuff. And all I can say is: well, I walked the dog, used up some air and water and electricity… I feel like they don’t want me around because I am such a drag and I never know when a depressing mood swing sets in. I know I don’t have money to really go out and have that kind of fun. But I’d rather say “No” to an honest invitation than to be neglected in the way I am now. I can understand that BF can’t take me to his work meetings. But when BF/GF goes out for dinner with other people, why not bring a partner (or in our case two) along? Why does it always have to be a certain “clan” of people which I will never be a part of? Why do I feel like I am being excluded every time they are going out and having fun..?

I don’t know if it’s because of me, my depression, that I can’t see anything positive in their fun times. I guess I am jealous. I am jealous and even have some panic attacks at times while I am being home alone and they’re out and having fun. I start to wonder about all the reasons that may have lead to me being home alone. All the reasons why my loved ones would rather go out without me instead of taking me along as well. Or why they haven’t suggested to bring along dates to the event thing they’re going to. And is it just me being stupid for being jealous when they’re out? Is it stupid that I feel bad when I have to hear about all their fun filled times and they expect me to smile and be really interested? Is it stupid to wonder why they go out without me so easily and just expect me to like it and be OK with it?

I feel like everyone is expecting so much from me. I can’t handle it all. I can’t stand aside and pretend to like it. Not anymore. It’s too much! I want to be part of their lives when they’re having fun as well. Not “just” when they’re doing their things at home. Also away from home. And I know we went to the cinema a while ago, twice even. But that is different… It’s not a social outing with others besides us. It’s us going out together. And, of course, in a cinema, no one will see who they’re with *sarcasm mode*.

So here are all the stupid questions that are going through my mind about this topic:
WHY do I feel like no one wants to have me around?
WHY do I feel like I am becoming an outcast?
WHY do I feel like I am not allowed to have fun anymore?
WHY do I feel like the people I love rather do fun things without me and then tell me all about it?
WHY do I feel this f*cked up?
WHY do I feel so isolated?
WHY do I feel like I am a boring person?

The more time I spend thinking about all of this, about all these “WHY’s”, the harder it is to get up in the morning. The harder it is to fall asleep at night. To sleep well in the meantime…

So I feel like this and it’s not fun. I feel lonely, sad and deserted…

And in 4 days I will have the appointment with Dr. D. which I am very nervous about… I have to gather all my strength to go there… I need to beat the nerves. I need to beat my stupid and silly believes. Seeing most are negative and all… AHH I am driving myself mad! Or maybe I was mad to begin with…

TOO MANY QUESTIONS… I need answers… Rather yesterday than tomorrow…

“Would you like me to give you a formula for success?
It’s quite simply, really.
Double your rate of failure,
You’re thinking of failure as the enemy of success.
But it isn’t at all,
You can be discouraged by failure,
or you can learn from it.
So go ahead and make mistakes.
Make all you can.
Because, remember that’s where you’ll find success.
On the far side of failure.”

Thomas J. Watson, Jr.

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 8, 2010.

One Response to “It will happen soon!”

  1. […] It will happen soon! […]

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