Binge eating!

LonelinessI feel bad! I am not sure if you’ve been following this blog. I am not sure if anyone really follows this blog. OK, now that is a lie, I know some people do check it… Guess it’s the depression talking.

BF is now in bed, feeling poorly. GF went to her dinner with the colleagues. *YAY*

I feel even worse now than I did when I wrote my earlier (password protected) post of today. I feel deserted. Left alone to smother myself with my own self pity. Drown myself in my own sorrow. Bury myself with the burden that’s called depression.

I know I need to fight this. I know I need to swallow hard and take another step forward.

But it’s the swallowing I am doing now… I guess the throwing up after. When I feel bad, I tend to eat. WAY too much! And I guess it goes against all I have been trying to accomplish….LOSING WEIGHT! And all I have been doing for the last 45 minutes is eating. GF went to her “fun” dinner with her “fun” colleagues and I started eating. BF is sick in bed… Chance is sleeping in her doggie bed, looking SO adorable!I just stopped eating. I feel like I am getting sick with all the sugar I just put inside my body. I stopped because I am chatting now with a dear friend… I hope that chatting and typing this blog  will prevent me from going back to the cabinet for more candy. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to have that URGE to eat. I don’t want to gain more weight just because I feel this bad. Because I feel so alone… I don’t want to eat. Not alone that is… I don’t mean I want to binge with others… AHHH I am driving myself mad here!

I don’t want to feel so alone. I don’t want to feel left out. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be the outcast…

I want to experience real fun. I want to do stuff that isn’t always so predictable. I want to be invited instead of feeling left out.

I just went to the toilet to hurl. I felt so guilty. I feel so guilty.

Guilty for my jealousy… Guilty for eating too much… Guilty for being such a depressed nitwit… Guilty for being me…Weight of the world

I know I need to work on it… Work on myself… Get to my GP on Monday… OWWWWWW and AAAAAHHHHHHH! I will need to learn how to take small steps into the right direction. I know I can’t rush into it. I know it will be hard and harder until I might want to give in. Darn, I want to give in already! But I can’t! I won’t!

Made a deal with one of my dear friends: we won’t give in! We will inspire each other! When one of us is down, we have each other. We will not let depression beat us! I know my GF wants to be there for me as well, but she can’t understand me as much as she might want to. It’s hard to understand depression for people who are depressed… How could someone who hasn’t had any experience with depression start to have any understanding? I wouldn’t want her to get too involved anyway. She’s got her hands full on her burn-out and I don’t want her to tumble towards a depression because of me. I would have to deal with so much more guilt if that should happen, would happen… Have enough guilt on my shoulders already…

Tip of the icebergThe things I try to write about feel like they’re only the tip of the iceberg. This is what it’s all about… I write about guilt, sadness, depression and all that comes along with that. But it feels like that’s just the tip and there’s so much underneath still. Invisible to the naked eye. Maybe because I don’t want to acknowledge that there’s more than meets the eye. Maybe I am scared of it because I don’t know what’s underneath the surface. I don’t know what will come up when it will come up. *sigh*

I didn’t hear anything of GF. Must be having a hell of a good time. Can’t blame her. If I ever had the chance, I guess I would do the same. If I could do out, pretend I don’t have a depressed b*tch of a GF and all, I would PARTY like I never did before. Just to forget all of it. (So I don’t mean our GF is a b*tch, it’s the way I see myself since I am talking about if I would be here…. confusing, I know). But I would enjoy to spend time without someone like me. I would be glad to spend time without me. Seeing I don’t like me… But I also don’t like being an outcast. Not being invited. Being kept out…

Ah well, I ate too much dinner so I am trying to take it easy during the evening.

NEED TO STOP EATING TOO MUCH!
NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!
NEED TO WORK ON GETTING BETTER!
NEED TO BEAT THIS F*CKING DEPRESSION!

“The guilty one is not he who commits the sin, but the one who causes the darkness.”
Victor Hugo, 1802-1885

“Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway.”
Isabelle Holland

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 10, 2010.

2 Responses to “Binge eating!”

  1. eating sucks! I know how u feel abt losing weight but cant stop eating the lonliness the binge eating watching tv and all they do is show stupid commercials of skinny people eating pizza.

  2. […] appetite or weight loss, or increased appetite or weight gain Hmmm, I have written about binge eating before and trying to lose weight that I gained (due to all the eating). Other times when I feel […]

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