I desperately need a job

I need a job. I need a place where I can go to, do something and feel productive and good about myself. I need to work. I need the money too. The bills keep coming and my welfare doesn’t allow me to do more than pay them. I need to get out of the house. I need a working environment.

I have been applying on many jobs and gotten so many “No, thank you” letters or e-mails back. It seems I am never good enough to do work that I have been doing for years! I get “told” I don’t have enough experience. After 10 years of doing it, how bad could I be at it?

I wouldn’t care if it was only for a few days a week at this moment. I know I am really looking for a full time thing, but right now, I would almost do anything. Just to feel a bit better about me. About my “usage”. I feel totally useless. Not good for anything. No good for anyone.And that sucks BIG time. I know the economy had some bumps. But that doesn’t mean I am not good enough for a job. They haven’t even “tried” me, met me, sow how can hey judge me for being inadequate for the job they are offering? I never got the chance to show I could. Or maybe, yes, maybe I would fail. But at least I’d be given a chance. That would have meant more than a rejection.

I have been searching for jobs. I have applied to jobs which I had experience in and in which I would gladly make new experiences. There was one company who told me they were very interested and I was very motivated, even though it was “just” part-time. But then they would call me back and they never did. And somehow I never had the urge to call them back as well. If it had been good news, they would have taken the time to call me and let me know, right? So I guess I will browse for more part-time jobs now. And soon I will go visit some employment agencies, maybe I can grab a few part-time hours here or there, while I keep looking for that all time job I have almost been dreaming about.

I have to stay positive, which seems like the hardest thing to do right now. I keep telling myself that if I have a job, I would feel less useless. I would have some more money to spend so I wouldn’t have to turn every cent over before I can really spend it. So I could enjoy myself some more with doing more than just paying the bills and hoping I will get by another month.

WANT WORK!
NEED WORK…
WILL WORK HARD!

*sigh* wishful thinking didn’t do me much good so far either. There are moments when my depression wins and just says: why go on? What is the use of going on when all it does is hurt you? Why try so hard when all that happens is painful? When you come out feeling like a big loser ’cause no one wants to hire you?

And as much as I hate the depression, I know it’s right. I can feel it… I need to win but losing sounds so much easier. And I am losing it anyway… Losing my self dignity, losing my usefulness, losing my mind…

“At the end of life we will not be judged by
how many diplomas we have received,
how much money we have made,
how many great things we have done.
We will be judged by ‘I was hungry,
and you gave me something to eat,
I was naked and you clothed me.
I was homeless, and you took me in.’
Hungry not only for bread, but hungry for love.
Naked not only for clothing, but naked of human dignity and respect.
Homeless not only for want of a home of bricks, but homeless because of rejection.”
Mother Theresa (1910 – 1997)

~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 13, 2010.