It hits me again! *ranting*

Sad FlowerI am down again. F*cked and down. Want to be alone. Want to run and never look over my shoulder and never go back to where I came from. I will use *snap* to show all the things that happened that build up to me feeling like this…

My day started in a not so nice way. I can be a very grumpy morning person, especially when I have slept badly and have a thumping headache. I promised to get up early to accompany GF to her GP visit. She thought that “whispering” in my ear would be the best way to wake me. Ow, at times I wonder if she really knows me… So her “whispers” made my head feel like exploding just a bit more. I didn’t want to get up just yet, I had plenty of time to be ready in time so no need to hurry. And in the end, I was ready in time.

We went to the GP, where I took a seat while GF “checked in”. Her appointment was for 9 AM, so it was past 9:15 when she got called. Well, I got called… GF asked some questions to the assistant while checking in and the assistant added my name to her appointment. So the GP was a bit confused….But, as I mentioned in an earlier post, she had an idea and I hope it’s a good one. Still anxious about it all. But I need help. And the way I am feeling now only makes me realize it more and more (like I could deny needing help…).

Before leaving the house to visit the GP and do some grocery shopping, I put a special cleaning tablet into our toilet in the bathroom. I put down the lid so GF would see that I am “cleaning” it. I always close the lid when I am preparing to clean it (with a tablet) or when I just put chlorine in it. That way, the cleaning stuff can do it’s work, making the cleaning a bit easier for me.

When we got home, GF decided to take a shower. I had in mind that I could clean the toilet after that. But well… When I went up later, the toilet’s been used and all. *snap* So I go down and ask why she used it while the lid was closed. No, the lid was open, she closed it herself to put clothes on it while she was taking a bath. But there’s still toilet-paper in it, so it has been used, I say. Ah well, I *snapped* because of her ignorance. We have a household of 3. We all have several tasks that we do. But for some reason, I always have to do the nastiest ones, the cleaning of toilets and all. I wouldn’t mind to fold the laundry. I do the dishes that can’t go into the dishwasher. I clean the dishwasher out when I see it’s done. And when I don’t do the toilets for a few weeks (I just HATE it that it’s always left for me), they are not done at all! *snap* So after 2 or even 3 weeks, I get SO bugged by the fact that none of my significant others has taken the time to do that nasty work (yeah, after 3 weeks, it can get nasty, or so I think) and it’s left once more…for me *snap*.

I felt I was back into some binge eating. I just kept going to the cupboard and snacked this, snacked that… I wasn’t even hungry, I just felt bad and sought my comfort in the food section, once again. I KNOW that isn’t the way to go. *snap* So I wanted to go out, walk with Chance, clear up my thoughts, even if just a bit, and get away from all the nice snacks. I switched off the laptop, got Chance excited about going for a walk. GF finds it a “good idea” to come along. *snap* I wanted to walk alone, with Chance and an iPod with some nice music and just walk for a while. But no, it would be “fun” to walk together. So OK, I don’t say a word, react with mixed enthusiasm and get ready. When she is finally ready, we leave the house, she’s got the keys in her hand. Normally when we leave the house and no one stays at home, we lock the front door (seems normal to me). But she just comes along, without locking the door. *snap* I asked why she didn’t lock it, seeing it’s a normal thing we usually do. Well, I grabbed my keys, told her to have a nice walk and went back inside. She could have my walk.

I had my cleaning to do. So many spots that had been bugging me, and apparently only me, because otherwise the others could have cleaned it as well. Some of the doors and posts had gathered some mud as well (bad weather, wet dog, shaking the wetness off her… you do the math!). And also dirty fingerprints all around the handles. *snap* Ah well, while GP was walking what should have been my walk with Chance, I grabbed a bucket and a scourer and a cloth. I filled the bucket with warm water, put on some latex gloves and poured some soap into the bucket. Hey ho, lets go!

I started out with the downstairs toilet and bidet. Then, I took my bucket and other cleaning equipment upstairs for the bathroom cleaning. Since GF had been in the bathroom, I hoped she had cleaned the rim of the bath. Nope… That was still a bit dusty. Well, it now still is dusty because *snap* I am tired of cleaning up after them. And how hard would it have been to clean it as you’re there anyway? But always saying “No I always clean it when I take a bath”. Well, I didn’t even ask why it was “forgotten” this time. I did what I came to do: the toilet and sink. The floor was a mess as well. *snap* When I was almost done upstairs, GF and Chance came back. There was a slight bit of hope that GF would finally help out in the “less fun parts of cleaning” and she would come up with the guzzler and do the bathroom floor with it. She came up, didn’t say a word and went down again, not to be seem up again while I was cleaning there. *snap* So maybe she would vacuum then while I was busy upstairs? Nope, she didn’t lift a finger *snap*. We,, she did lift a finger, to type an abstract for a school test. OK, I understand that it is important as well. But vacuuming downstairs would only require 10 to 15 minutes. I was cleaning the goddamn toilets! Nope, she just sat and spend the afternoon typing… *snap*

After the toilets, I myself took out the guzzler and worked a bit of the Cinderellabathroom. Not as perfect as I would normally do it. I cleaned the bits that were “just” bugging me and left it at that. All the cleaning I did would be better compared to the other option: no cleaning at all! I did my thing, feeling pretty f*cked because I was the only one doing this each and every time. When I was done with the guzzler, I took the bucket and scourer and cloth back and headed towards the downstairs doors and posts. While I was working on getting them a bit less dirty, GF still was typing, pretending I was f*cking Cinderella!

While I was cleaning the doors and posts, GF came to me telling me she had a dear friend of mine on the phone. I was in my wonderful yellow gloves and they were well, what else would you expect, wet… So I told her to talk. I thought she’d be polite, have a small conversation and then notice I was busy cleaning so I would call back my friend later. But no, she kept babbling and left me to clean. *snap* I couldn’t walk away, because I used liquid abrasive and it needs to be handled immediately. So I am thinking: she might wonder why I haven’t come to the phone yet, ask me about it ans take over so I can take the call that was meant for me… Nope… Fat chance (not the dog!). *snap* So when I finally was finished, it took about 2 minutes before I finally got my phone back. *snap* And before I could say more than two sentences, GF started to ask me questions about this and that… *snap* So I told her to Google it and I went upstairs.

After the call, I went downstairs again. GF still typing, still not vacuumed. *snap* So I grabbed the vacuum-cleaner and used it well. GF didn’t bother to even lend a hand with the carpet. I pulled it away, so I could reach it better without her in the way. All she did was lift her feet *snap*. So when I was done, I didn’t even bother in getting the carpet back where it belongs. I grabbed my drink and went to the attic room where I am now. I made a playlist including bands like: Rammstein, Disturbed, Helloween, After Forever, Within Temptation, Nightwish, HIM, Horrorpops and some more. All to fit my current state of mind.

So I am still upstairs. Dunno how I feel right now. There is so much anger still within me. I feel like I am mistreated. Not abused, but used. I never mind if I need to vacuum, fold laundry, do the dishes, walk the dog, do the groceries…. But I do mind if it is always me that gets stuck with the dirty cleaning stuff. And if I “forget” to do it for 1, 2 even 3 weeks, neither BF nor GF takes the time to do it for me. And, in a way, for themselves as well. We ALL use the toilets… So it is OUR responsibility. Not just mine…

Well, this has taken too much time. Too much *snaps* and not enough positivity. Why do I feel like I am drained? Like all the energy just flows out of me and all I can do is watch…while it flows…unable to stop it…unable to speak…unable to feel anything… Anything but anger, fear and a great dislike of myself and all others around me…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 16, 2010.

2 Responses to “It hits me again! *ranting*”

  1. Wow, I could have written this blog post. I live with my GF and she does none of the cleaning. If I don’t vacuum (& with 2 inside dogs you need to vacuum once a week) it doesn’t get done. Don’t clean the bathroom, it doesn’t get done. What I don’t do, just never gets done. My GF does cook every second night, she will empty the dishwasher and fold the laundry but all those big cleaning jobs always get left to me. We had an argument about it on Sunday about how she is never home on the weekends to do the cleaning and leaves it all for me to do. We shall see if that has any effect but after almost 9 years of living together & her cleaning record being the same, I doubt it.
    I feel like a live-in maid at times.

    • We have argued about it a couple of times and every time it seems to help, but unfortunately, just for a while. Until my next burst and it seems like a viscous circle… The things we do for the people we love…

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