Tired

ChanceI feel so tired. I haven’t been able to sleep OK in a while now and the last 4 nights I have been awake every hour. I would fall asleep and then wake up because of something… I never know what that something is when I wake up. My headache is improving it’s toughness and it is slowly driving me insane. Even if I stay in bed till 11, I am still feeling like dead meat walking around. I want to work out, I want to improve my lifestyle, I want to beat the depression and binge eating. But I feel like all my energy is slipping. I know I have written about this before. And then, at times, I almost feel a bit better again and then I slip back into that pool of nothing. Like nothing really matters. I couldn’t care more or less. I did work out this evening, though only 15 kilometers. My head was pounding like crazy and I had trouble concentrating watching the DVD. I so much wanted to go on, but then decided it wouldn’t do me any good to push too hard. So I worked out for 37 minutes, using 251 Kcal and 55% fat, according to my Polar. It wasn’t what I was hoping to achieve. But at least I did it. I didn’t let my headache stand in the way completely. How much I would love to smack my head against something hard now. I get so angry, anxious and aggravated because of it.

I know this is one of my “depression” headaches and not just a normal one. I know this because I have had many of them lately and painkillers don’t work. I know this because it totally affects me in everything that I do and don’t have the energy to do now. It is taking me over. I want to beat this!

I haven’t heard anything from the psych yet. The temporary GP (our GF’s GP, the one who referred me to this psych) said it would take about a week. Well, it’s been a week, even longer, and I am still waiting. Why can’t you just get help when you need it? Why do you have to wait while they know it’s not going to get better by itself? While they know it will only affect you more the longer it takes? I want to be in control again, but I can’t get there by myself. I know because I tried.

I can’t seem to get any rest inside my head. Meditation is so not for me. I don’t want to sit down, waisting my time, knowing everything is still f*cked when you snap back. Nothing will change because of it. I won’t get a job while meditating. I won’t be “cured” from my depression. I won’t feel better about my body and weight (well if you meditate long enough, and skip many meals….). So what’s the point? I’d rather work out then.

I am tired. I am going to watch TV. A new “House” and “The Good Wife”. “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” and “Cold Case” and then: bed time. I hope you all feel better than I do. Have a great weekend! Thanks for reading 🙂

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 23, 2010.

2 Responses to “Tired”

  1. I hope you hear from your Dr. soon. That’s so hard to wait. But, I’m just coming out of an over 2 week bed ridden depression. You forcing yourself to do anything physical is great! I wish I had that strength. I love House too.(random) But, had to get that in somewhere…My thoughts are with you.
    Trish

    • Thanks for your comment Trish.
      It is hard to push myself to go for it. I’d rather sit with my big behind on the couch and watch TV/DVD that way. But I do feel good about myself, even if just a bit, when I did do my exercise and I can note the new training on my Excel sheet.

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