I snapped, again

Burning FlowerAs I have mentioned before, it’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of a decent night’s sleep. I slept badly again and my headache seems unstoppable! It gets heavier and more difficult to ignore it. I wish painkillers would be able to help, but they don’t. I haven’t been fully relaxed in, what seems like, half a year. I can do much of the stuff I want to, like the exercising, but my muscles all feel so tense. I don’t even know how to relax my back, shoulder and neck muscles anymore. They are so freaking tight. And I thought my headache would be based on that. But even when I get a decent and good massage and I do feel relaxed, even for just a moment in time, the headache won’t fade. It’s ever so present and letting me know it’s here to stay.

I know this headache is part of my depression. I know it gets worse when I feel bad, so well, you now know how bad I am feeling. I wish I could sleep well. I have some sleeping pills left over (just 4, so not enough to do anything crazy, which my mind is now steering to at times). So I guess I will sleep in my attic room tonight, where I have no distraction. Where I don’t hear my loved ones snore and twist and turn while I am obsessing myself with getting some sleep as well. Here, it doesn’t matter if they snore, if they pull the covers, if they can sleep while I can’t. Here, in the attic room, it’s just me. No decent bed, that I do know. But if one pill could and would help me as well as they used to help a few months ago, I would be able to sleep on the ground and still be able to really sleep! And not sleep, wake, sleep, wake, feel shitty, sleep… It’s not good for me. It’s not good for my depression, it’s only feeding it. OK, so in a way it is good for my depression but that makes it bad for me because I want to beat this depression. I want to overcome it. I want to be in control of myself again, feel better and sleep better. Even look better, because some of my weight gaining can be credited to the depression and binge eating. And the lack of exercising.

I know one good night’s rest won’t help to make this all better. But it would help! I am so tired. Waking every hour. I can’t relax. I feel like my head is weighing too much, it’s too much for my shoulders and body to support. When I am laying down, hoping that I will be able to sleep, I can almost hear my headache beating within my head. With ever beat my heart gives, every time it pumps the blood through my veins, my headache gets nourished and it hurts.

This is a quotation from the headaches.org website:

“The depressed patient often presents a wide variety of complaints that can be categorized as physical, emotional, and psychic. The physical complaints include chronic pain and headaches, sleep disturbances, severe insomnia and early awakening, appetite changes, anorexia and rapid weight loss, and a decrease in sexual activity. Emotional complaints include feeling “blue,” anxiety, and rumination over the past, present, and future. Finally, psychic complaints may include such statements as “morning is the worst time of day,” suicidal thoughts, and death wishes. A headache secondary to depression is usually considered a tension-type (muscle contraction) headache.”

Well, that does ring a bell… Unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately, because it could explain my headache, or at least a part of it.

This is an extract from headacheexpert.co.uk:

“When headaches occur alongside depression treatment needs to be modified to address both ailments and therefore a multifaceted approach may be required. It seems obvious that constant pain could leave a person feeling sad and distressed but depression isn’t a minor mood change to be taken lightly. It’s a debilitating illness that can prevent a person from functioning and enjoying life to the fullest. Chronic headaches and depression both can have a devastating impact on a person’s quality of life and well-being.

Some of the symptoms that may indicate depression are:

* Exhaustion
* Feeling sad
* Lack of motivation
* Difficulty sleeping
* Anxiety
* Loneliness
* Anger
* Lack of confidence
* Various physical aches
* Weight changes
* Frequent thoughts of death

It can be a frustrating cycle in that you feel depressed because you are suffering headache pain that, in turn, causes intensified headache pain and frequency.”

And again,bells are ringing. I do have some motivation though, because I am not willing to give up without a fight. Unfortunately, because of the depression, at times I aim my anger at the wrong people. I feel sad quite often, even stuff that used to make me feel totally excited and loaded with energy, just don’t do that much for me. Don’t get me wrong, I can still be quite excited! But at times, I need to wear my “everything is OK” mask and in a way, it doesn’t feel very real then. Because I have difficulty sleeping, I feel exhausted a lot. As I mentioned before, it feels like all the energy is just slipping away from me.
I know I have a big lack of confidence. In a way, it was one of the reasons that cost me my job 5 months ago. Before this depression, I rarely had any lack of it at all! I was always confident in all I did, knowing I did the best I could. Knowing my knowledge would be sufficient or I would quickly adapt the new information. But I feel like all those abilities are lost.  I feel like I am lost, many times…

Easy road

Today started out OK. The weather was nice, my headache huge, my lack of sleep visible, but still, I thought I would be able to make it work.
After brunch GF and I decided to take Chance to the waterside. Play with her, read a bit, enjoy the sun while it was shining.
It went OK, until Chance decided not to pick up her toy from the water. It was quite an expensive toy and my mum had given it to me. There were, of course, many people around. They all had their comments and I felt like shit. I was being made fun of and Chance just stood there, being dumb!

I was so angry! Angry at myself for throwing the dumb thing, hoping the stupid dog would pick it up. Angry at the dog for letting an expensive toy drift away. Angry at myself for allowing my mum to buy such an expensive toy, she could have used that money in a better way. Angry at those people who thought they were in a position to make stupid remarks and judge me behind my back. I was so angry and my head was pounding and it all became too much. I wanted to drive off without that stupid frakking dog. I wanted to get the hell away from all these judging people. I never wanted to be judged. I don’t need their exertion! I just wanted to get away. Be alone. When GF made me take the dog along, I got out and decided to walk.

I didn’t need all this! I wanted to relax and have fun!
Not see an expensive toy drift away!
Not see a dump dog, too lame to fetch an expensive toy!
I wanted to get the hell away from it all.
I wanted to be alone.

I was so angry and mad that I would have been able to hurt the dog big time. My depression was feeding it and I didn’t want to give in, even though it would have given me much relief in the beginning, I know it would have given me more hurt in the end.

My depression needs to sod off! My headaches need to catch the first plain out of me! I just want some rest!

I feel silly because I can easily cry. While typing this, I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I feel my nose filling up and my headache starts to pound. I am not sure why. This isn’t hard work. I just sit here, listening to some Pink Floyd music (relaxing) in the background and typing this. It’s just stupid to cry while doing nothing but what I have just discribed.

I hate this. I hate this stupid depression…. I really hope I can get an appointment (and maybe some good painkillers to relieve me from this headache) and some good help soon. Before I do something stupid…

~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 25, 2010.

4 Responses to “I snapped, again”

  1. Hej LW, Headaches are just awful! Now I don’t get many unless I am stressed out with my studies or bills I cannot pay! Sorry the depression is still pulling you now, you know I’m always around to lend a listening ear! This past few weeks it’s been lots of work for college, only 10 weeks, whoops no 9 weeks now! yikes!!! till the end and I should walk away with my diploma. Then get a nice summer holiday before university starts!

    In between all that I’m moving house in a couple of weeks, I have a new apartment!

    I also have a new blog, I should have told you, it’s only been active a week, click my name on this post and it will lead you there, I missed blogging to much!


    • Ow, now I know your new link, it’s added! I had deleted the old one, like you asked me to. I have been trying to follow you on FB. But the way I’ve been feeling makes me not want to spend too much time at FB now.

      I know you are around dear! And I immensely thank you for that! But I also know you are working on your final scripts and all and I didn’t want to hijack your time. So I kept to blogging, knowing you (and others) would be able to read it when it suited you most.

      Thanks for caring and for checking in! Now I need to catch up with your blog…

      *hugs* LW xx

  2. I never knew that headaches were linked to depression. Maybe that explains all the headaches I have had recently. Thanks for the info.

    As for snapping over ‘silly’ things, I totally hear you. I get so angry these days. I get angry at work over things that barely used to phase me, I get angry at others if things don’t go to plan. I hate it. Hopefully you can get in and see someone soon.

    • I hope the info is helpful. At times I just ramble about myself, at times I have the energy to google all I am experiencing to see if I can find additional information on it. So if any of that info can help anyone that reads my blog, it’s a good feeling 🙂

      Yeah, I know it is part of the depression. But I just hate it when I snap over stupid, silly things and I just can’t control it. When I snap, I go all the way. At times I can hold myself from doing something stupid along side, but not always. And the guilt you feel afterwards makes you hate yourself even more…

      I hope I will get an appointment soon, indeed… Thanks for replying!

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