Very busy

FedCon opening ceremonialHello everyone,

I know it’s been a while since my last post. I really hate not being able to write as much to you all as I used to. I hope I will have more time in the near future. As I have mentioned before, I visited a convention in Germany, Bonn. It was a great time and for a while, I could almost totally suppress my depression and really enjoy myself. Unfortunately, soon after we came home, it came back, with a vengeance. I have had my intake talk with the assistant of my shrink. Next Wednesday, I have to go again,with my mum, for a talk about my past. And then on the 18th, I will see the shrink. I really hope they can help me out. The assistant wasn’t too sure if I really had a depression or if it was something else. Well, that made me wonder seeing many things I have been experiencing are all “credited” to having a (severe) depression. But she thought there might be other reasons and that is one of the reasons I have a visit planned with my mum. If only they could help me beat these nasty headaches. If only I could learn how to beat this illness. I know I still want to live, I don’t want to give in to any bad thoughts that are trying to force me to do stuff… I want to get better, find the real me that is hidden within this body of mine. I know the person I used to be is still there, but it’s too hard to beat it without any help. I know I have tried… But now I have to seek out some stuff for the next appointment on Wednesday. There is so little time and there are so many boxes to go through… Tomorrow I have a GP and a dentist appointment. Tuesday is my birthday and some family is coming over and then it’s Wednesday already. Last weekend we had a friend over so I couldn’t do it then either. I will do my best and hopefully I will have some of the stuff they requested.

Ah well, I am also still busy sorting out all the pictures I (well, we) made at the convention. I made many, seeing not all would work out. And I’d rather make 1000 pictures and end up with 250 good ones than I would make 250 pictures and have only 25 good ones. So it’s a lot of checking, but it does help me keep the good spirit.

I have had good and bad moods, still sleeping badly and not enough hours to really start to feel rested. But I will have to go on. Have to keep seeking jobs, writing applications (and getting rejected many times). I just want a job. I want to feel good. Useful…

I am not in the mood to search for a quote, even though it’s been a while. My headache is still pressuring me to feel bad, like it’s ready to burst out of my skull. I wish painkillers would help. Ah well. With this message, I hope I have updated you all, even if just a little bit… Thanks for checking in and I will do my best to keep you all posted as I go through my life.


~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 9, 2010.

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