A year older…and wiser?

Happy 30Here I am again. I didn’t write yesterday because it was my birthday then. Not that I celebrated it or anything, but I just didn’t feel like it. Many people love birthday parties. But lately, every time I plan a party, people assure me that they’ll be there…and in the end only about 40% really shows up. So I decided that, from this year on, I will celebrate it my own way. I will only invite people that have always shown up and have dinner with them instead. So next year, at my 31st birthday, I will try it that way 🙂

Every time you buy stuff and you’re happy that people have promised to come. See, you do matter to people, otherwise they would incline your invite… And in the end, they don’t even care to let you know in advance they are not coming after all. See, they don’t really care about you and your feelings… You don’t matter at all…

Today I had the visit to my shink’s aid, together with my mum, to get the heteroanamnesis done. I didn’t really know what to expect so I went there open minded. It was mostly that the lady (she’s the co-worker from the shrink, not a psychologist bit one step below that) asked my mum questions about me and my past. How did I grow up? What were my reactions to certain things? And so on, and so on. See, they’re only talking about the negative, abnormal stuff… I knew most already but it was still very confronting to hear it all again.

The lady checked me on several things and it might be that I have some sort of ADHD. There seem to be 3 regions of behaviors on which ADHD is totally based. And in two of the three regions I scored VERY high. So maybe, just maybe, that can also be one of the causes of the way I am feeling today, yesterday and probably tomorrow as well. I will post a quotation about these regions in ADHD from the Wikipedia.org website I just liked in this blog post as well.

DSM-IV criteria

I. Either A or B:


(A.) Six or more of the following signs of inattention have been present for at least 6 months to a point that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

  • Inattentive:
  1. Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.
  2. Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.
  3. Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
  4. Often does not follow instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).
  5. Often has trouble organizing activities.
  6. Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn’t want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).
  7. Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (such as toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).
  8. Is often easily distracted.
  9. Often forgetful in daily activities.


(B.) Six or more of the following signs of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

  • Hyperactivity:
  1. Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat.
  2. Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.
  3. Often runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may feel very restless).
  4. Often has trouble playing or enjoying leisure activities quietly.
  5. Is often “on the go” or often acts as if “driven by a motor”.
  6. Often talks excessively.
  • Impulsiveness:
  1. Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished. (See: NAQT)
  2. Often has trouble waiting one’s turn.
  3. Often interrupts or intrudes on others (example: butts into conversations or games).

II. Some signs that cause impairment were present before age 7 years.

III. Some impairment from the signs is present in two or more settings (such as at school/work and at home).

IV. There must be clear evidence of significant impairment in social, school, or work functioning.

V. The signs do not happen only during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder. The signs are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (such as Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).

I didn’t score high in the “Inattentive” section (or the A section above here). I DID score immensely high in the “Hyperactivity” and “Impulsiveness” sections (or the B section above).  So now I have an appointment with the shrink and his aid next week on Tuesday.

From now on, I will refer to the aid as Mrs. C. and to the shrink as Dr. K. This might make it a bit more personal and it also is a bit easier to use these names.

Mrs. C. still isn’t sure if I am really depressed or is many of the other things I have been going through made it seem like depression because many of the symptoms were/are the same. She asked me what I hoped to gain from my visits to them. Because some people just want to be treated, some want to know what they have and others want it both. I answered that I NEED it both. I need to know what is causing me to feel like this. I need to be able to understand all I can so I just know what I am dealing with. And of course I want to get rid of it as well by a treatment/medication. She did mention that wanting both, it could take longer. I have been dealing with these issues, these pains, for so long, what’s another month or two… I don’t care! As long as it helps me, in every way.

I still am not sure… I know I have many depressed periods, some taking as long as 9 to 12 months… I somehow feel like I am bi-polar, seeing so many things described on sites about it, I can relate to myself without any troubles at all… Could it just be ADHD? It doesn’t feel right… It might be part of the “problem”, but it doesn’t feel totally OK…

I am also still trying to find a job. I need a job. I need the work. I also could use the money… BF tells me often that soon, he has paid work for me within his company. But as long as it’s not there yet, I need to apply to jobs. I can’t/won’t just sit and wait till I get offered that job. I do want it. I don’t really care what I need to do. As long as it pays well and as long as I have something to do. At times, I do enjoy not having to get up early though. The way I am sleeping (as in not sleeping), it’s nice not to have to get up at 6… It can be nice to sit behind my laptop, PC or TV and just relax… But in the end it still comes down to me wanting a (decent) job…. Me needing it…

Ah well… I will leave it all as it is now. I have a MAJOR headache (again) and I want to relax a bit. Even though I just had to sit and talk every now and then, it was an energy draining talk this morning… I’ll be back. Thanks for reading, thanks for caring!


~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 12, 2010.

One Response to “A year older…and wiser?”

  1. Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Christian, iwspo.net

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