Too many thoughts

HeadacheI’ve been thinking.
Then I did some more thinking.
As a result I started wondering.
And asking questions that will never be truly answered because it’s all related to the past.
What if…?
Then what…?
Would it…?
Really???
Or am I just seeing what I want to see?
Am I only thinking the positive things that could have changed all the negatives from my past?
Am I being truly honest or am I just exaggerating?

Every time a thought comes up, it provides me with a huge amount of questions. Every time a single question comes up, I come up with so many answers and possibilities. This again brings up new thoughts. And in the end, I am trying to get through the day. But I find that I haven’t accomplished anything that I wanted to because I have been too busy. Not with my hands and all but with my mind. I can’t seem to put a hold to it. I can’t stop these thoughts and questions and the need for answers.

I know I always have energy. I know that if it’s challenging me, if I am stimulated and interested, I can go all day, non-stop! I sleep bad. Even if I go to bed early, it’s no use. I can’t seem to fall asleep before midnight anyway. I just lay awake and try to sleep but I am never able to relax.

And still, in 99% of the time I am awake about 5 to 10 minutes before my alarm clock would have awakened me.

When I am finally sleeping, it’s just short bits in between waking and really sleeping safe and sound. At times I feel just as tired as I felt when I went to bed. But I have to go on. I can’t permit myself to drag my feet. I won’t cut myself some slack “just because I slept badly”. The thing is, without the use of a sleeping pill (which will only allow me about 5 hours of constant sleep instead of 8/9 which are mentioned in the package insert) I can’t sleep well. It’s been over 6 months since I slept OK and woke up feeling rested. I keep feeling like I am functioning on the last drop of energy that’s still in my body. Nevertheless I am going on and on. I can’t give up. I won’t permit myself to give up.

As soon as I do that, the depression will gain more strength. I need to cage this illness. I want to win. I need to win.

So I finally sought help since I couldn’t deal with all of it by myself. Family and loved ones tried to help but it wasn’t really helping me to get closer to reaching my goal. It didn’t get me more in touch with the defeat of my illness. And now I have professional help. And Mrs. C. found out that I might “suffer” from ADHD as well. I put suffer in between the ” and ” signs because it can be a blessing at times as well (as I mentioned in a previous post). But many of the questions I am asking myself now have to do with me (maybe) having ADHD. And all the consequences that I had to live with for 30 years without never understanding things about myself. While being judged by people who were ignorant. Why shouldn’t they be? Even though my mum told the GP several times that she thought I might have ADHD, the GP (this one really was an ASS!) always dismissed it. Well, thanks!

To think that my studying could have been made easier by a good diagnosis and maybe some medication. To think that my behavior, which got me into many fights I never started nor won, could have been changed by medication… Things could have been so much different from what they were all those years. I could have gotten special education, medication and maybe have a better life. No bullying, no misjudgments because of ignorance/not having the knowledge… *sigh*

So yeah… I have also been reading some more about depression related to ADHD. I will do some more online research and I am planning to write a post about it soon. I just wish my headache would stay away for at least 80 years or so. And that I would be able to sleep and feel rested in the morning… If only…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 15, 2010.

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