It took me a while…

Dachshund CamIt’s been a while since I last blogged. I have been writing bits that came up with the help of my cellphone. Here is a new post with info on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Well, not too much info. More my train of thoughts…

Please know that the following lines are typed randomly as they appeared to me in my rambling line of thinking. I have been feeling very down over the last few days. I guess when you read some of these thoughts and worries, you might know why… Thanks for your interest.

Saturday
The last few days I have been very absent from really blogging. I apologize for that, as I have done before. I really want to blog but at certain times, I just don’t seem to get to it.
Since the beginning of this week, my muscle aches got worse. At times, when I wake up during the night and need to visit the loo, I stumble and sometimes I almost fall. My head can’t seem to stop spinning. Tonight, while I was cooking, my hands trembled at times and I felt really clumsy. I knocked my drink over. I got nervous. And that while making something that I’ve made a hundred times before. It hurts to keep bumping into things when I am awake during the night while visiting the loo. It’s scary to see your hands trembling while cooking.

I am not sure where this all is coming from. I wish I knew what was (and is) causing me to feel this way. Is it the lack of decent sleep ever since early November last year? I seem to wake up every hour or two hours every single night. I am thinking of taking another sleeping pill. It’s been a month since I’ve used one so I could take one. Or maybe it’s a side effect of the headache. Or maybe a side effect of the “thing” that is causing the headache. Who knows? Not me…unfortunately. Otherwise I might know a way to feel better. Maybe there’s a “special” pill/medicine that could/can help me. So I really am hoping that next Wednesday my GP will give me that referral to see a neurologist. And hopefully (life seems to surely hope a lot lately) I will be able to get an appointment there soon and have my head checked out. And of course I am now on a new waiting list for psych help. So I will be eagerly awaiting a message for an appointment from them.

And while my head keeps busy with 1001 silly, important, ignorant thoughts, I also need to keep searching for a job. And of course, applying for them as well. I need to reach at least 4 applications each month in order to keep my welfare. But I am worried. I need a job, I want a job! But the way my body has been feeling lately… Now I want to work on getting better first. I want to be able to give myself for the full 100% and I feel like I am not even able to give 25% at this moment… It’s not really motivating me. But still 4 months to go. Then my welfare will be cut down and I won’t be able to pay my bills anymore. So yes! More worries to trouble my already troubled mind.

Sunday
My headaches don’t seem to be going away any time soon. My anger level is rising often just because of that. Then I finally burst and some of my built up anger and frustration seem to be easing away. Only for a short period of time, that is… After a while, when my feelings of guilt have ebbed away, my anger will be on the rise again.

And every time my anger is rising, my headache seems to follow. That or the other way around. My headaches are getting worse which causes me to get angry sooner. It’s a very negative vicious circle where I can’t seem to brake away from. The harder I try, the more frustrating it gets, the more anger I build up, the bigger my headache gets…

Just 3 more nights ’till the appointment with my GP. I know I won’t get a cure straight away. But it would get me at least a step closer to finding out what the frak is wrong with me.

It gets harder and harder to say “I’m sorry” after I f*cked up again. It gets harder to resist my anger attacks as well. I just snap and then there’s nothing I can do but to feel sorry in the end. And as mentioned, that gets harder as well. And at times I don’t even feel sorry. I feel like I had every right to behave like the way I did. Like others should be sorry instead for making me feel the way I do at that time.

It seems I can’t stop myself anymore. I have lost the energy to fight myself. I don’t want to do “that” anymore.

Monday
Even while I am writing my blog draft on my cell phone it seems like it’s taking me ages to round it up so I can upload it to my PC and put it on line on my blog. Today I’ve had a lazy day. Even though there were more clouds, the promised rain never came. So I spend the day in the garden, reading my book. I’ve read about 3/4 of the book and I am really curious to the outcome of it.

I have slept so-so last night. My headache was a bit numbed by the alcohol consumption I enjoyed last evening. But it wasn’t enough to help me sleep well. Darn!

Just 2 more nights ’till I have my GP appointment. I keep on having negative thoughts… What if he doesn’t want to refer me to a neurologist? Or, what if the neurologist has a huge waiting list? What if the neurologist finds out there is something terribly wrong with my head/brain? What if (s)he can’t find anything to explain my huge headaches? What if…

I also need so send out two applications this week. Last week I really couldn’t put myself to it. In a awful way, I also sometimes think: what if the neurologist finds something really bad, will I get nice benefits/welfare without needing to send out job applications? Sending those really wears me down and takes a LOT of energy. Why should I have to go through all these troubles when all I get back is: no thanks, we’re not interested…

My motivation really went down the drain after application number 15 or so… But you know you have to keep going on, whether you want to or not. But how I long for an admittance to a facility where they can check me out, find out what’s wrong with me and work on getting better before releasing me back into the great wide world. It also sounds scary at the same time, “wanting” something like this to happen. But I am scared that one day, my anger will be so huge that I will really harm someone… And that this harm may never be totally undone.. It frightens me, knowing that this could happen to me. That I could let this happen to someone. I don’t think I could be able to live with that amount of guilt. If something like this would happen, I can already say that the suicidal thoughts that I’ve been suppressing for so long might win in the end.

But I would never be able to afford that kind of help. My monthy bills keep coming. And as I believe I’ve mentioned before, in a few months my welfare will be cut back. When that happens, I think I will freak out for sure because right now, I am just getting by on the amount I receive. Which makes me want to have a job… Which puts more weight on the importance of finding work. But every time I find something and apply, I get rejected.

This is in no way helping me to feel better. It’s only making matters worse for me. Yes, while there is sun, I get to enjoy it. Yes, I have been able to read some good books lately. But I feel alone and useful. Headache pounding, my stomach twisting and all so that I feel “blah”. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to fight while I still feel up to it. But as I wrote before, it is getting harder to fight day after day…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 25, 2010.

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