Difficulties to overcome

DifficultYesterday I wrote a post which got protected in the end. I thought it was too personal to post it without any protection.  If you are interested in reading my password protected posts, please check the special link to your right concerning password protected posts. This will show you the way to retrieve a password.
This is a follow up of the previous post. My intention is not to protect this post as well, but I can only make a judgment when I am done writing. Due to my concentration difficulties and constant headaches, yesterdays post took me almost 4 hours to complete. So it could be that, when I write about yesterdays post, it could also be the day before yesterday, since I am not sure how long I will need to finish what I am starting now. as I mentioned before, often I do have a “theme” in my head which I want to write about. But being ADHD, you have so many ideas swimming through your thoughts that the main focus can easily change to a new direction. But last night, in the middle of the night, I had a talk with my GF. I told her many personal things, some she already knew and some that were (I think) new to her. Because I think honesty is frakking important, I have never been able to maintain any form of relationship with someone who had used my confidence in them. When a person hurt me deep, I never really have been able to forgive him/her. I normally cut off the bond we had and turned my back so (s)he couldn’t hurt me ever again. Yes, it was hard at times because I really considered some of these people as dear and close friends. At other times it was even harder because I felt so much love for that person that it felt like I was cutting off a limb. I don’t really know how to forgive someone who has hurt me deeply. It may be because I would never dream of hurting anyone else. I don’t want forgiveness, because that would mean I have done something to someone else that really hurt that person. I would become so mad with myself that I would even hurt myself for being so stupid. I already hurt myself when I have made a minor error in judgment or I made a remark that in the end was very rude to make.

So all my life, I never really learned how to forgive someone. As I mentioned before, I used to trust people right from the start. Having been used for some of my abilities and properties, I have learned that it is best not to trust people like that. Of course there are many people who have the great quality of being 100% trustworthy. But, as one of my favorite TV characters “Dr. Gregory House” always says: “All people lie.” And to be a bit more sure and feel more secure around people, I nowadays need more time. In a way, I need them to show me that they are worthy of my trust and friendship. It sounds really awful when I put it like this. Because it shows that people need to prove themselves to me before I really let them into my life. But people I just met don’t really own me anything. So I know I might be in a position where I miss out on some great potential friendships because people feel the same way as I do: first let the other prove themselves to  you before you prove yourself to them. And then you are in a two-way waiting line and well, that probably will never work. Unless one of the two people involved wants to make an effort and override their own rule.

I have had some really dear and close friends with whom I could share almost everything. But as we grow older, the people seem to fade into the background. Too busy with their own lives, not even noticing that the once so precious friendship is slowly fading away. And sometimes people do notice and try to revive that friendship. It doesn’t always work, but at least you know you’ve done your best. And at other times it just seems like both parties have given up on each other, on the friendship that once was, and just go on pretending that the friendship never was truly that important.

Fraggle Roch FriendsFriends have always been important to me. I rather have “just” 5 good friends with whom I can share EVERYTHING than to have 15 friends who you just can’t trust with well, everything. The trust and mutual bonding are very important to me. People who like me, just the way I am. People who don’t judge me because I am ………………. (fill something in which pops to your mind). But people who see my potential, my honesty, my good friend’s deeds… People who are able to laugh and cry with me. Those are the people I love to have around. I know I can’t reach that confidentiality with all the people I know and consider friends. But I wouldn’t want to have many friends to share my deepest secrets and feelings with. Just a small group of people who really know me is enough in my opinion.

Although that remark could let people believe that if they are not in that small group, they aren’t my real friends, they don’t see the real me. That is partially true. I will always show myself as I am. I won’t go around trying to be someone I am not. But I could try to hide some of my true feelings because I don’t think they are important enough at that place and time. I will still be honest but a bit more reluctant to say that I am not doing fine. I’d rather say I am fine so that I won’t spoil the fun others are having.

But well, back to the talk part. I have to keep typing as fast as I can. I am sitting inside, covers are in front of my attic’s room window, the screen is on only 25% brightness and still I feel like I should be wearing sunglasses. My head is pounding. Maybe also because there are so many things I want to type all at the same time. But having that many thoughts has never affected my eyes. And concentrating and the brightness (which isn’t really bright to everyone else except for me) are making it hard to write. But I WANT to blog. I want to write down as many thoughts and stuff that has been keeping my mind occupied. I am not sure why. Maybe because writing always has helped me to cope with things. Maybe because I want to show people how a mind of someone with (possible) ADHD and slight symptoms of Autism and Personality disorder (short to say: someone who is ME, or maybe a bit like me) thinks and reacts to certain situations. Of course it is different for everyone seeing we all have our own rules we want to live by. We all have our own standards to what we think is right and wrong. But still… Ah… Drifting away once more…

The talk. First it almost didn’t get to be one. But when I started to cry my heart out, it became a talk after all. It lasted from 1:45 am till almost 4 am. It was hard. It was so difficult for me to admit that I don’t know how to forgive anyone who has ever hurt me so deeply. Because, as stated, I always turned around and left. If I got hurt so bad, I wanted to get away, get to a safe hiding place and start over with a new possible best friend. As silly as that sounds. And as I wrote before, I don’t know why people would want to hurt each other in the ways I have been hurt. It’s awful. And the people who have hurt me, I would guess that they would never want to be treated in the way that they treated me. So why do it to someone else if you wouldn’t want to face it yourself? Why be so selfish? For me it is too hard to understand how people can be hurt so deeply and still are able to forgive.

I know that the love I carry is strong. I would die if it were needed to save one of my two lovers. I would gladly donate all the body parts they would need in order for them to have a good life. But still, it is hard for me to carry on when one of them, or both, have hurt me. I know I love them. But I keep on asking myself the same questions over and over again (as I wrote yesterday): WHY did they do this to me; HOW could I have prevented this from happening; DO they really care for me or are they using me like all the others before them??? I know that in many of the occasions, I am not to blame in any way. But still I go and wonder for many, many hours, what it is that I did wrong. I guess it’s something I do because from Kindergarten till I was 15, I always got blamed. Even if I wasn’t there, if I hadn’t been around or had nothing to do with it, I got the blame. So I guess there lies my “foundation”…

There are many difficulties I need to overcome. Though I doubt that I will be able to overcome them all. Some will remain and keep reminding me of the rough times I’ve been through.

My head tells me that it’s enough for now. So I will post this new blog and thank you again for your interest. Please, always feel free to comment. Though, as mentioned before, spamming is of no use, spam will never be shown on my pages. If you are unsure of how to comment, please check the special Blog links on your right for more information (near the link about password protected posts).

Have a nice day y’all!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on June 21, 2010.

5 Responses to “Difficulties to overcome”

  1. You are very brave with your feelings. I would like to recommend a book to you. Don’t worry, it is not my book. But it is one that I think about frequently. It is called The Four Agreements by Ruiz Miguel. He writes about ancient Toltec wisdom of living your life by 4 things. The one that comes to mind here is that what other people do or say is never a reflection of you, but a reflection of them.

  2. That has happened to me a lot too, where friendships just fizzle out. I’m the same in that friendships are very important to me and I need people who I feel I can talk to and connect with.
    It’s good that you were able to talk to your GF and have an honest conversation with her.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  3. Thanks for your responses and thanks for reading my blog *hug*.

    I will check out the book you mention, Inthemidblogger, but I guess I will need Amazon to get it, seeing I live in the Netherlands and English books are harder to come by. I usually read all in English, since I think too much is lost in translations.

    I might be brave, but I don’t see it like that. I want to be open about how my mind reacts to certain situations and I always wonder how others might have responded if they were in my situation. In order to reach the readers, I need to be honest and open. Even if that means writing about my negative sides.

    I believe many of us need friends like that Cassie. It is always sad though when you lose someone you have thought to be important to you for so many years… Yes, it was a good talk, though not all is said yet. But we have time on our side, I hope.

  4. {{{still reading my friend, lots of hugs from the UK to you, hang on in there… I change the blog link and title again, click on it and you’ll realise it me, with the name}}} :p

  5. Your openness, honesty, and strong love are great qualities of yourself. It is okay to open up to people slowly. Protecting yourself is a good thing.

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