Feeling weird

I am feeling weird. Not at all like myself. I feel like I have lost something. But I also have a feeling it’s still here. And the third feeling is that I couldn’t lose it in the first place because I never really had it to begin with… I feel empty deep inside. Like I have been living a lie for ages. Or are my feelings misguiding me for another reason and I just haven’t been able to see what that reason might be? I am not an easy person. I never said that and I guess I will never say it as well. I am still on a waiting list to get some psych help, but the waiting list seems to last a lifetime. By the time I am next in line, I’ll be too old and demented to care. Or to need any care they could offer me anyways… For those of you who have been dear followers of this blog, you all know what I have been dealing with. Or what I am still dealing with. But for those newcomers I will quickly recaps it all, so you might be able to have a better understanding of me and my writings.

I have always been different. I have always felt different too. I have been bullied around a LOT, including verbal and physical abuse my kids from my schools and all. I am open and too honest. I (might) have ADHD (still not sure since I am on a never ending waiting list) and they also saw some signs of autism and bi-polar depression. So well, I am really complicated. But the love I am able to share with others is always pure. My actions have always been for others. I am a giver. Once in a while I wish to take… And every now and then I feel like I am breaking.

I have had many fights with my GF and BF. Some because of me and my doings, some because of their doings. That’s how things work when you’re in a relationship, I know. the ones caused by me were, most of the time, because of my jealousy. Not really jealousy but fear. I am afraid that I will lose the people I love. Because deep in my mind, I am always wondering if I am good enough. If I give enough. If I care enough. If I am being a good GF to my lovers. I am always wondering about those things and it can drive me mad. But I can’t control it, I can’t shut these thoughts off. So even if I am sure that I did the right thing, I do keep wondering… I keep asking…
I am scared that my BF and GF find out that they can do so much better than me. That there is so much more than what I have to give. There have been incidents, most are years ago, that made me even more scared of losing the people I love. During the first two years of my relationship with my BF, he has been lying to be about his friends. And that hurt me very much, because I thought I could trust him. We had a good talk about it and now it goes better. I know he fools around with weird people on MSN, but as long as he keeps that idiotic stuff on the net and not anywhere else… Ah well, we all get our own distractions at the net. I use my blog and at times, when I feel chatty, I do log in on MSN as well. I know my chats are way different from his but as long as he gets into our bed every time 😉
GF and I had some incidents as well. We had many more fights about it. I know both my BF and GF accused me of jealousy. But I see it as fear. When they go out with work or school or anything and I am not there… I am always afraid that they won’t come back to me. That they have such a good time without me that I will be left alone. That there is someone in their company who then is the reason I wasn’t “allowed” to be there as well…because they have someone else present. When I am home alone and they are out at work or school or somewhere else with people they know work/school related… I am always happy when they get home. I worry too much…

Ah well, back to the beginning of my blog post, where I mentioned that I am feeling weird. How can I lose something that I have never had? Or how can it feel lost when it’s right beside me? Of course I am not really writing about an “it” but about a person. So “it” mind sound disrespectful, but please know I mean no disrespect at all! This is my blog and I wish to write stuff down as I feel it. And this way, it sounded better to begin with. The people who are reading this were interested enough to click on the link to read on. So now I can elaborate my feelings with those who cared enough to click…

My feelings for my BF and GF were both love at first sight. I knew when I saw them that they did something for me. They interested me. There was something that made me want to know more about them. After meeting my (our, I know) GF in the end of May 2006, I knew I felt so much for her. But in a different way than for my (our) BF. They are different on so many levels and still I see resembles in both of them as well. In November 2006 I put a tattoo on my left ankle. It reads: Eternity – name GF – name BF – Love in Chinese signs. So after less than 6 whole months, the name of our GF was already on my body. I really love our BF but it feels different as well from the love I have for my GF.

There have been times where I could not sleep. I just lay wondering what to do. Should I stay or should I go? It feels at times that they would be better off without me. And there are even times, though rarely and when I am feeling very down and depressed, that I feel like I could be better off without them. No more worries. No more need to be scared of losing them. Just me alone with my own troubles and misery. Just me alone seeing if I can cope. I never have lived by myself and at times I wonder how it would be… Yes, there have been many times that I have felt all alone here at home. But that is different. At least in my opinion. I feel like I am slowing them down. And of course at times I feel like I am being used because I give too much and most of the time too easy as well. So then I can get mad at myself for letting them use me too easily. And I get mad with myself often.

I am scared of losing the ones I love. I am scared they will see the real me and then decide to run and hide. I feel left out so many times. I do have work now where there are some people I like to chat with and who I feel good with. But when BF/GF goes out to work/school/something social somewhere without me… I know I can’t join at work and school. But when there are social outings and I can’t come along, I feel left out. And as stated before, I wonder if there might be someone else taking “my” place. Or if they go without me so they have some more time…without me. Sort of a reason to easily avoid being with me.

I know I am not easy. I know I am insecure about so many things. I know so many things. I see even more… I have always seen (too) much and well, people have told me to pay less attention to things that surround me… I just can’t… I have tried but then I go and fidget or become restless because I am not who I know to be. I guess it’s partly due to my (probable) ADHD that I see too much. It’s not like I was given a list with causes that I could chose from:
Check here if you want to be able to/if you want to “suffer” from:

* Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another
* Have difficulty focusing on one thing
* Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless doing something enjoyable
* Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing and completing a task or learning something new
* Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities
* Not seem to listen when spoken to
* Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly
* Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others
* Struggle to follow instructions.
* Fidget and squirm in their seats
* Talk nonstop
* Dash around, touching or playing with anything and everything in sight
* Have trouble sitting still during dinner, school, and story time
* Be constantly in motion
* Have difficulty doing quiet tasks or activities.
* Be very impatient
* Blurt out inappropriate comments, show their emotions without restraint, and act without regard for consequences
* Have difficulty waiting for things they want or waiting their turns in games

(list taken from the ADHD page at www.wikipedia.org)

I never had that choice. I am who I am and even if people tell me I need to learn to live with stuff…or if they tell me to change, it can’t be that hard…I just shake my head. Why is it never that people will learn to live with me? Or adapt to me? Why is it that the person who has to most difficulty adapting needs to do so? Like it isn’t hard enough at times to live with ADHD, you need to keep more things in mind… Like “our” minds aren’t occupied enough withiut the need to “worry” about adapting and learning to live wit it…

How can I lose someone when it was all a dream/nightmare to begin with? How can I shake this empty feeling? I have a BF and GF and still I feel alone right now. I feel like I am an outsider. Like I am only there when they see me. Like I am not missed when I am not around. I feel like I am a Jojo. You pull me up, I feel better and close. You let me fall again and I feel depressed and alone. And up and down the Jojo goes. And right now, I feel like the one holding me (the Jojo that is) has tried to do a special trick and ended up with a knot in the wire… I am not sure if you can understand what I mean. Or maybe you recognize this all too easily. But yeah, I guess I could compare my feelings to the way a Jojo works right now. Up…and down…up again…down again…not wanting to go up without help…need help…got help…up again…. On and on and on…

It feels like I love them too much. Like it becomes too much to handle. I am not sure what to do. Should I stay or should I go? Should I go on with just one lover and make some things so much easier? Is that the way to make one of them happy: chose to be just with him/her and let the other go? I just can’t… I don’t want to hurt them. I want to be there for them. But what if it is making me feel like I do now? What if all these questions are that reason that I couldn’t see before? Or maybe didn’t want to see sooner…

It’s too much for me to handle right now. I feel like I am failing my lovers. Like I can’t give them what they need and/or desire. That them sharing me just doesn’t work. That the love I thought I could share with them both isn’t enough for them? Am I getting in (stupid) fights because I hope to push at least one of them away from me? So that it’s easier to go on? How could it be easier though? Because it means I really would lose someone I really love and care about…

So I guess I will stick to the questioning that started this blog post…

How can I lose something I might never had?
Why do I feel like I’ve lost something while it’s still next beside me?
How can I begin to understand…?

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 5, 2010.

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