Love too much?

Love too muchHere I am again. You can see this is all troubling me, as I keep on writing here. That is me though. When my mind is racing through so many things at once and I can’t make anything of it, I sit down and write (in my journal or here at my blog site). And sometimes it helps me immediately and other times… I keep on having too many thoughts and need to write more.

After my last post I have been wondering if it is possible to love too much? Can you be blinded by love? Can you simply care too much for someone that you will let them use you again and again (not saying that’s the case here though, just wondering)? I have read and heard about relationships that I would quickly run away from if it was me in it. But I also can see that when you are crazy about someone, depended maybe, scared that you won’t find anyone (better) if you walk away from this one… It is hard to just let go…Most people want to fight. They don’t want to let go something that they put so much time and effort in. People want to show to others and/or themselves that they didn’t just let it go. That they did the best they could and that it just wasn’t enough. But because they fought hard for it, in the end, they can say they tried. And that can be harder than “just” walking away. But when you love someone so much, when you need someone so terribly much, it seems harder to make the “right decision” and “simply” walk away. It both takes guts in my opinion.

But yes, I am wondering if one can love too much. Because that would make one vulnerable and easy to be taken advantage of by the one(s) that one loves/cares about. And of course, there are times when my mind wonders if I might be one of the ones I mentioned a few lines ago. Am I wanting to give too much? Am I too depended from the ones I love?

Every time I see (and if you read my last post then you know I often see just a little too much) something that I don’t trust, I start worrying. It could be a simple message from someone BF/GF knows on those popular community sites to a stupid text message on their cellphone they receive. I am not one who sends hearts and kisses to everyone I message. I only send hearts to my BF and GF because well, they are my loves. Only to real, dear friends will I send hugs and kisses. But no hearts and all… OK, I must admit, I have used hearts to only some dear and special friends when they were in need of some love. But only then… (the friends who have received the hearts will know why and all so…).

Broken HeartSo when my eye catches comments/tweets/posts from others to my loved ones or the other way around, I immediately see those others as treats. They are getting the loving hearts I should be receiving..! Why are they sending/receiving hearts from “friends” who, as far as I know, are definitely NOT their lovers (seeing I am one of the two lovers in their lives, I was kinda hoping I knew them all…by heart 😉 ). I already start going back in time, “checking” if there were more signs leading up to the point where the hearts were being exchanged… I wonder why they send the hearts, I wonder why someone else would feel the need to send them hearts. Also, when you’re just friends, I never send many kisses to them when I send a message. I normally end it with “Liefs” (that’s Dutch, of course… It’s something like “With love” but in a friendship kinda way, not a love-love kinda way) and then my name. Or just “Groetjes” (“Greets” in Dutch) when they are “just” friends/acquaintances. No amounts of kisses and or hugs… Maybe a hug or two when they are having a hard time but well… I guess I have been used too much during my childhood so that now, as an adult, I am more careful.

I know I can be silly in that way though. I’d rather go to a convention where I know maybe 0,001% of the attendees and still I feel more secure about myself than when I am placed between my (or BF/GF) family. I never had a close connection to most of my family members. And I have learned (the hard way) that it’s better to have a handful of friends whom you can trust and rely on for 200% then to have a huge family… Because I was too trustworthy, I am now more careful. Who to befriend, how to befriend and how far will the (friendship) relationship go? Those things keep me busy as well. I think it is not well, maybe professional is the best word to describe my feelings toward it, to send kisses to someone you barely know. Or hearts to friends who are in a relationship and “just” friends with you. It would feel weird to do so. It would feel unnatural. So when GF/BF would receive and/or send hearts without ever commenting that it’s (here I go again) “unprofessional” (impolite or uncaring towards the loving relationship the receiver, and maybe the sender as well, is in). If someone would send me hearts, I would thank that person but also ask to send me some “Liefs” instead. I guess it would make me highly uncomfortable…

But still, when I notice such a comment somewhere, my head starts spinning in all the (wrong) directions. Too many bad experiences. And because it is hard for me to trust people, even the ones I love, it’s hard to believe them as well as they come up with a lousy (to my eyes and mind) explanation. Also, if you wish to leave someone a comment on a public social page, keep it professional as well. Seeing that everyone with some internet experience can see your profile (when it’s blocked, you simply create an account, ask to be friends… most people just click accept because that’s the thing to do: collect “friends”…). When there are only weird messages and/or pictures… Well, when you go out to find a job, new employers will check those pages. First online impression is just as important nowadays. And so much more dangerous!

Back to the subject though, as I mentioned before (more than once I do believe), my mind tends to take me on a roller coaster ride through emotions when I am writing. And that can lead to total different subjects in my posts compared to what I started with. I don;t really mind, seeing if I have the need/urge to write about it, it must be important to me at that time. And that is, of course, what my blog site and journal are for: me. So I won’t “warn” people anymore. Just read as long as you find it interesting. Comment if you feel like it, rate it if you think it sucks (or maybe you even liked it), and remember this is merely a place for me to vent. Anonymously and in public. Willing to share my thoughts, emotions, questions and not too often answers…

Can someone love too much? Am I capable of loving too much?
Do I let the people that I love and care about get away with too much?
Am I being used and just too blinded by my love to see it?
Am I making a fool of myself with all these silly doubts?
(why do these silly doubts hurt me..?)
Am I making my loved ones feel uncomfortable because I am such a scared “jealous” person?
Can’t I really lose it because I never had it to begin with (following my previous blog post)?
Do I still have it but am I too stupid and blind to see? Or maybe too preoccupied with silly, scary, tearing thoughst?

Thanks all for reading. If you feel like it, comment and/or rate this post. I will NOT allow any span, so save you and me the time and just don’t spam here, thanks!

As a dear friend always used to say: “We think positive.”

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 6, 2010.

3 Responses to “Love too much?”

  1. I think we all love too much and allow ourselves to be used from time to time. When I was in Sweden last month, I found people wanting to add me on FB, I had around 30 – 40 friends requests because I was writing for a certain page and because I appeared in a certain paper, but I had to turn many of these people down, because (a) I didn’t know them and (b) I have to be wary of my security on FB because of the future career I am going into. I got two messages from people telling me I was awful for not being there friends as they thought all (insert name of band) fans were friendly people! I felt awful like I had done something wrong, but I am not the kind of person that wants to be on social networking sites to collect friends. I would rather have 150 friends that I personally know and have met than 400 that I have no idea who they are or where they are from!

    Then there are the friends who use us, once too often and we say that ‘we won’t allow it to happen again’ but we are a sucker for punishment and when they come back and ask us for favours again, we give in. Despite being ill at the moment and not well, I’ve given in to friends and done them a favour. I’ve not so much minded since it’s not been a hard task to do, but its how they have asked me and expected that I will do it. One friend fair enough since we are friends and we talk a lot via email – I consider her a friend, the other friend who lives with her has hardly spoken to me in over a year and was the one that asked for the favour (I suspected she would) so I gave in. Made up two nice parcels for them both and mailed them off. Now it seems the parcel for my friend arrived but the other friend who originally asked has not got hers and has asked I send it again… like I have nothing better to do! I am feeling used and annoyed!

    Then there is the relationship with my dad, I am struggled with it again. I think in Psychology they call it ‘Emotional Detachment’ separating your feelings from him. I love him but yet I cannot stand to be around him because he just makes me irritable and agitated and despite promising my mother I wouldn’t hang around to look after him when she died, I have done the complete opposite, I moved into a new apartment close to where he lives, and I’ve committed myself to university in Manchester for the next three years – I feel trapped, hence why I am depressed again, because this time last year I was planning to move away to a new town to start a new life and start university in a new city!

  2. I loved someone too much once. I forgave her too many times, but I made her feel guilty for her wrongs as well. We ended up miserable together because I didn’t want to let her go.

    Love is not a hunger to be filled, sometimes we mistake our need for love for love itself. Real love is something you give, and hopefully receive in equal amounts.

    My experience years ago taught me a lesson that is in part saving my marriage. You don’t cling to people, you have to love them and let them choose to love you back. There’s a certain amount of negotiation involved but essentially, if they don’t choose to love you back they’re not yours and you have to let them go. I think loving too much is when you get to that point and then don’t let go. It’s not really love at all, it’s just the fear of losing.

    • Thanks for your comments and thanks for taking the time to read my blog post.

      I know they do love me, but because I have such a low self-esteem, I really can’t see why they do so. And because I feel like I am failing them all the time, I get scared that they will find out that they can do better than little old me here. So I am the main problem, I know… I have been on the waiting list for phych help since halfway through May. The waiting list takes a long, long time. I am trying to change some patterns. But after 30 years of cherishing those patterns and believes, never knowing anything else, never knowing why I was different from others (I just knew I was, it was one of the reasons I got bullied all the time), I merely accepted the fact that I am not a big group person. I rather have some close friends that I can really trust instead. But it is still hard to put all my faith in someone because people (not my friends, but the “friends” before them) have abused my friendship too many times.

      So I am really low on self-esteem (hence the anonymous writing…) and I wish to become more trust worthy. Being able to put faith and trust in myself AND in others more easily. To believe that my lovers really love me and are not looking for a way out of the relationship… That I am making too much of the kiss and heart comments I see every now and then. But it is hard, because I am not used to sending those signs of affection to people that well, I do not love enough to show that affection to. It would feel weird to send anyone else, besides my BF and GF, hearts and kisses just like that… As said, it would feel unnatural for me.

      So I am sure I love them. I am sure I fear losing them. And I know need help, that’s why I went through all the troubles of finding a psych (who had to refer me to that darn waiting list!) and to seeing a neurologist about my headaches…

      It’s just frakking hard. That is one of the reasons I blog about this. I am hoping (I think) to find people who struggle with the same feelings and emotional swings. And it helps me to clear my mind, even if just a little bit…

      Thanks again for reading and caring enough to comment! It means a great deal to me!

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