Feeling abandoned

My last two posts were about my feelings. Mos of my post include my feelings though, I know. But seeing I never felt like this before, this is a whole new view to my “newly found” emotions and feelings. Not sure if I am all too happy about it, seeing I feel like sh*t because of it. Bit I have been thinking about the reason(s) that could have caused me to feel the way I do. And I think I know, at least one reason, that is part of the combined forces that made me feel so down, weird and maybe even alone.

I did sleep OK, could have been better but I know for sure that it could have worse as well. GF told me I was squeezing her hand(s) during the night. I can’t remember anything about it. But I do know that I was still nurturing the feelings that I had when I went to bed and I also knew part of the reason I was (am) feeling this way. The last 8 months I have been home, unemployed and feeling miserable. But every minute that my BF/GF were home, I got to spend with them. Now I have a job again, working from 16 till 22 (but hopefully soon from 13 till 22), which means I never get to have dinner with either one of them (nor both) because I am at work. Ah well, I can cope with that, seeing it’s for the job and the job provides me with money and a place to spend some of my high quality (and high quantity) energy. But now the school’s are starting again, BF is looking for another job and well, that means I will get to see them so little… GF just got her school schedule for the first 10 weeks… If and when I can start at 13:00, I will only see her after work on Monday, Tuesday and Friday. Wednesday she is having late classes (so while I am working) and Thursday is the day off. Now of course she will want to work on Thursday, seeing she also needs an income (like myself and our BF). And I guess she’ll want to work weekends as well… And when it’s an early school morning, she will go to bed early in the night. So I will only see her when she’s sleeping… And that makes me very sad, deep inside. Don’t get me wrong, I WANT her to follow this education because it is what she wants to be and wants to do. But that doesn’t also mean that I won’t miss her like hell… And because of these hours I won’t be able to spend with her, I feel kinda like an outsider. I feel alone…

I never will tell my BF or GF that they can’t go to work. Only when we have other plans already or when it isn’t a wise thing to do. But I know that having a job is very important, especially after having none myself for such a long time. So I also know I should give them space and time to be able to do their jobs as they please. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss them. That doesn’t mean that I am not sad that I don’t get to spend more time with them.

After reading some comments (thanks for commenting guys/galls, it’s really appreciated) that were placed under my previous post, I started thinking about them. I know that it might sound like I am clinging to them, but it’s just that I don’t feel complete when they are not around. Maybe I need them more than I wish to admit. Maybe I am jealous instead of only scared of losing them. I guess it is I who is to blame most. I have such a low self esteem that I see everyone as potential threats towards my loved ones, towards me and our relationship. I always fear that they will one day see that I am just “not all that”, and “replace” me with someone else. Maybe I need them too much. Maybe I just love them so much that I could not imagine my life without them…

But after spending much time home alone (after surgeries while recovering and when I lost my job), I know that I am happier when they are around. Or at least one at a time 😉 I do love to be alone at times, but most of the time I have some plans of things I wish to do then which go best when I am alone. So I can enjoy my time alone, as long as it’s not too much time alone. I also need company, someone to talk to who actually talks back. I know the dog’s around, but she will wag her tail, lick me and then bring her blanket. I will put it on the couch next to me and then I am a Labrador couching, a place for her to rest her head on 😉 I don’t mind, because I like to pat and hug her when I am alone. But it is not the same as having a lover (or friend) around. The Labrador won’t play games on the Wii and/or PS3, she will listen to me but never give me any real advice (I wonder if she often merely pretends to listen 😉 ).

I just can’t help but feel sad and alone. I know I can feel happy though. BF s working, which is a good thing. GF is following a study and has work so she will make it as well. I have work now too, although I’d rather have more hours (working on that though). So things are going OK I guess. But something inside me tells me I don’t feel OK.

Am I just being a bore? I know my feelings are real. I know they are conflicting as well. One side feels happy the other feels alone and abandoned. I know it’s all me here. I am the one who works afternoon-evening shifts (need the money and because of the work, I feel better again; will write a work post asap) so I am the one not home in the beginning of the evening.

Maybe now I am really experiencing how much I rely on my loved ones to be around. Maybe now I notice how much I care for them and how much I miss them when I am alone.

I do know that I cherish the time I do have with them! I also know that small promises of them to me mean more than ever before. Because it means they are taking some time to think of me.

Ah well, I do hope I will get the psych help soon. And I hope I get to work more hours soon. I hope too much at times I guess… But what’s left when there’s no more hope?

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 7, 2010.

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