Back…

Hello boys & girls,

after a long time of me not posting here, I am back for a new post. Something came up and now my mind can’t stop thinking about it. Wondering if I am really a loser, which I am in my own vision. If I really am too greedy when it comes to being in a relationship…

I have never really had many friends. And the ones I did had, it were only just a few. And though I always missed the group feeling, after a while (and many fights the people within a group got me in to), I thought it was better this way. I’d rather have a few close and good friends, people I can trust with my life, than have a big group of people to belong to without any good contacts or people to really rely on.I’ve always been someone who wanted to share. When I had something, and someone else would like it as well, I would share. To an extend, of course, because it was only for a short time, I wanted to keep my what ever it was and take it home with me.

I am the same with my friends. When I got into a relationship, I wanted all my friends to know him (before my current GF I only had BF’s) and share all I did with him. It was all normal to me. I did some things separately with my lover, but when it concerned my friends, I always tried to include my lover. And when GF came into the picture, it was the same for her. I introduced her to my friends and in a way, the became her friends as well.

But now she wants to have friends of her own and in a stupid way, I feel rejected and left out. I feel like I am not good enough to be included. Or I am not fun enough to be around. I can understand why she wants this, but it hurts so much. And I can’t do anything about these feelings. All the times I have been rejected, all the times I was left out and stood alone… I think it has scarred me for the rest of my life. I really don’t know how to handle it. Of course I want nothing more than have a happy GF (and BF of course). But these feelings of rejection are just too much to handle for me. I need help. In a silly way, I need reassurance that she will come back to me. I know she will. But the fear of losing her to someone else. The fear that she sees that there are people better than I am. I know, lack of self confidence.

I can be seen as a really strong person from the outside. But on the inside, I am weak, trembling, crying out for help even. I know I am not the perfect girlfriend, I know I have my faults. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my lovers with all of my heart. There are times when I can’t live with them…but I really can’t live without them!!!

And as I stated before, I am used to sharing my friends with my loved ones. Even when I want to plan something with co-workers, I LOVE to have mt BF & GF with me. They are the ones who complete me. Without them, I can have fun. But then I would love to turn around and talk to them about it and realize that it’s not possible. I love conventions, as does GF, and we go to about 2 cons each year. We know BF doesn’t like them but even then I have moments like: OW if only he were here to have seen this… Some things can be very funny when you experience them. But when you later tell it to others, it seems less fun just because they missed the real thing.

So maybe that’s part of it too. That I am scared of being left out and scared of missing out. I just would like to spend all the free time I have with the people I love. And knowing they spend it with others without me… Makes me jealous of those others. Makes me sad for missing them. It almost makes me drown in self pity because I was left out. And I just don’t know how to handle it well.

How can I let go, give some more space, without these previously stated problems? How can I let her enjoy without me being sad/angry about her not having me around as well? Is there a golden middle way we can both take to hopefully make it easier (mostly easier for me)?

How can I get rid of these fears? If these incredible sad feelings that prevent me from well… You just read it.

I feel lost now… Again…

They said snow was coming…

But it feels more like heavy rain…

But they form as tears, dwelling up behind my eyes, clouding my view, filling my head with more and more thoughts…

I need to find my yin-yang… My stability… Where did I leave it behind?

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on November 28, 2010.

2 Responses to “Back…”

  1. I can somewhat relate to what you feel and what you write. I have been feeling the same with my voluntary job, I feel a little alone and isolated because someone I work with talks more often with the manager than me, the fact this person is a little loud and talks about others we work with makes me wonder what she talks about, about me behind my back – I’ve been feeling a little paranoid, out of sorts and left out. I love my voluntary job but don’t feel I am gaining a great deal from it because I am not open enough with others and pushy like some people I work with.

    As for your GF wanting other friends, I guess she just wants to explore the boundaries a little more and have some freedom, almost in the same way as a married couple. I can understand what you say and feel, but perhaps you need to be a little more adventurous and have some friends she does not know, although again like you I prefer a smaller network of friends. I long for a decent friend my own age to go out with and have some fun with. I’ve missed out on so much locally in going out because all my ‘real’ friends are abroad and I only meet them when I am travelling. This past year I’ve really began to regret not having more friends my own age, in my town… so I can let my hair down and go out more! In truth I guess I am lonely!

    I really hope you can rectify what you are feeling, because in my eyes you are a great person and one of those many ‘abroad’ friends I have and hope to meet up with again one day! x

    • Thanks for your comment my dear!
      I would love to be able to meet up one day (or more days) again too. Even though we only have met once, it’s still great to keep in touch with ya!
      I am trying to write a follow up post on this one, but I’ve been so busy at work this week, that I didn’t really have the time (or rest) I need to sit down and write it…
      *hugs*

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