Feelings, talking ’bout feelings

Feelings. We all have them. At times we trust them with all we have. A gut feeling, we might call it. At times we hate them for being so honest. Or for disagreeing with our heart. At these times we’re in doubt. Trust what we know or what we feel? What if these two are in totally different sides? What side would you lean towards? To the safe side, which you are (almost) 100% sure of what will happen? Or will you be guided by your feelings, take a step on a new path, not sure where it will lead you?

These are things I often think about. Because I want to make the best decisions, based on my feelings and experience. But these two are often not on the same line. And because of things that happened to me in the past, it is hard at times to make decisions that will affect the future. I hope you are following me… I will try to explain, as usual, in my best possible way.

I have mentioned in several previous posts that I have never been one of the gang. You do not have to read all my posts to know what that means, I guess many will have felt like an outsider once in their past. But if you have read my previous posts, it might make it a bit easier to understand me, my way of thinking, the reasons behind my feelings…

But I have never belonged to a popular group. I have always been an outsider. Depending on whatever, people always found a way to shut me out. I had curly hair, didn’t wear Levi’s or Nike’s, didn’t play their game… There was always one or more things that “prevented” me from being one of the gang. But, there have been times I had all their attention though! Too bad it was negative… Teasing me, bullying me, kicking me… So after that had happened a few times (too many!), my feelings for belonging to a group wore down. I’d rather have a few good friends whom I could trust with all my life than belong to a group where I’d never really feel at home. When I see people now doing their best to belong to a group, I think it’s sad. Because if a group would like you, they would do so from the start. Otherwise they’d be bribing you, making you into someone you’re not. And then you are not really accepted, but your deeds/changes have been accepted for the time being. But who am I to judge people who’d like to belong to a group? Maybe they will like it… Who knows?

But maybe because I only have had some dear, close friends, I have been used to share so much with them. I always hope that my friends will be each other’s friends too. Not to form a big group, but to be able to have much fun together! When I celebrate my birthday, I’d rather have 10 guests who I know I can trust 200% than have the house full of people who I barely even really know. And of course, when the guests among themselves are friends as well, the party will be even more fun (in my opinion). And because I’d rather celebrate with a small group, it’s always good if your friends like each other as well. But I now feel like I am repeating myself…

So as I wrote before, I want all my friends (well, the few good ones I have) to like each other enough to become friends as well. So we’re one “happy family”, sort of…

Now GF tells me she wants to do something for herself. I thought school and work were keeping her busy enough, but she “made some friends” and wants to hang out with them…without me… I know it’s normal for many people. But for me, it was a slap in the face! I immediately feel rejected and there is nothing I can do against that feeling. I have tried. When ever there is an event that I get invited to, first thing I ask is: can I take my lovers too? Because I want to share it with them. I want them to feel included in my life. Only when I visit conventions, I know it would never please my/our BF, so GF and I share that… But again, we share it… I love to share. Maybe because it means I am not alone then. Because when one is sharing, one is included in something and one isn’t able to think too much about other things…

But how do my feelings affect my daily life?

Many times I have felt left out. Many times I felt like I was missing out because of that. Maybe I did miss out on a lot. It could be that it’s a part of my life that made me be so different from others. Or maybe I was already so different and not belonging anywhere just made me more aware of being different. Hmm…
I love to be with the ones I love. When they work, are at school or when I am away from home at my job, I know I will see then again soon. Thinking of going back home where I am loved always keeps me going on a hard day. Even though I know I may be grumpy, or either one of my loves could be grumpy… I really don’t care. Home is where my heart and mind can feel at easy.

I have some very nice coworkers at my job. Some I would even consider friends. Not close friends, but people that I like to hang out with during the working hours. And I also like to meet up with them to go out and have fun. BUT then, I always love to bring BF and GF as well. They are part of my life and when I am not working, I want to be with them as well. And I want them to meet/get to know the people that I talk about. So they finally know a bit about my friends at work. I think that’s only natural. For me, it is the way it should be. When you make friends among the people you work with, you want them to know about you. And well, the people I love are part of my life, so they should be included. I would not want to keep work and life outside of work separated that way. I would feel like I am living two lives instead of only one (which can be hard enough at times anyway). So when my GF said she wanted to meet up with coworkers without me… Yeah, it hurt. When I think about it, it hurts still. I am used to share. I should write that I am also used to be put aside. But it’s something I really wanted to leave in my part, leave it as the ugly scar that still reminds me of it… And with this, many of the bad memories all came back.
Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I am too scared.

A dear friend told me I should find a thing of my own as well. A hobby or art craft… But well… You might feel it coming again… I share my hobbies… I love watching movies, so do my loved ones. I love being online… But I share that with friends that are online as well. I am not really creative, so that would only cause me to annoy myself more.

And even though GF told me she could meet up with friends while I was working… It didn’t make me feel any better. Because now I felt excluded for working the hours that I do. That I am not around to meet up with people.

I guess it all comes down to my fear of rejection. Because I have been rejected to many times, it scares me now. I am afraid that my loved ones might find someone else they’re interested in and reject me for that other person. I am scared (or jealous maybe) that GF may have so much fun that she thinks I am no fun, or not enough. I am thinking that I will miss out on some quality time with my GF, even though I might still be working at that time… I am selfish in thinking that I should be all the friend she needs. But to me it’s selfish not to want to “share” your friends, but to want them for your own. And people can tell me all they want on how I can have some friends that are “just mine” as well, but that thought is anything but appealing to me. Because that would really feel selfish and  guess I would not be able to enjoy any time with them then anyway.

This is so difficult for me. I want GF to have fun. But is it bad that I would love for her to have that fun with me? That when it’s not at work or at school, that I would love to spend that time with her as well? To be there when “that funny thing” happens instead of having to hear about it afterwards and not being able to find it merely as funny as her…?

I know I am complicated.
I know I see things different from many others out there.
I know I am trying to be the best GF I can be to both GF and BF.
I know my autistic/ADHD/bi-polar (still not all confirmed as I am still waiting for psych help) is working against me.
I know it’s not easy to live with me…
But I want to do the best I can!

That is why I blog. To get things out of my head, to be able to share my thoughts with others. Maybe even to be able to discuss my blog post in the comment section. To show people how a silly gall like me can see the world in a totally different way. Maybe I can even help people to understand others better, by letting them into my world, my love, my life…

So please don’t take people just for granted and think they think alike. Because for some people it’s very hard to adjust and live in a world that’s filled with people who take different things for granted. It’s hard for me at times to adjust. It’s much easier to put on my mask and play the game they wish me to play, so no one will ever know…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on December 3, 2010.

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