When is it a lie?


I have been thinking… Yes, again! You all know by now that my brain likes to work overtime. Unfortunately it’s me who has to pay for it with huge headaches, loss of sleep, feeling sad and cranky and so on…

I have mentioned in earlier posts that I love honesty. And yes, maybe an honest answer might get me mad for a reason… But a lie will come out and it makes me not only mad but also sad and disappointed.

Because most of the time the person who told me the lie knows how I feel about lies. And therefor she/he knows how I will be hurt when the lie eventually comes out. But that leaves me to this question: when is it a lie and when is it “merely” withholding information?

Because in my opinion, when you chose not to tell everything, you are withholding information. The reasons of withholding can be various ones, but they all lead to the same ending: not telling the whole truth. But when is it a lie? Could you ever say that when someone didn’t tell you everything, he or she was lying to you because you didn’t get the whole truth? Or would you not be able to call it a lie, because that person did not say anything that wasn’t true…he or she simply withhold a part of the truth. And who’s to say if it was an important one?

I have been asking myself these questions so many times and I never find an answer that I am completely happy with. Maybe there is no possible answer to make me happy. But still, I would really love to discuss this “issue” with some of you (my dear readers) through the comments…

OK. I have thought of an example to use here. It is something that has happened, though I may have changed some things to make my vision/ideas/thoughts more clear. So I hope no one will be offended by this, it is merely AN EXAMPLE to explain the readers of what I have been discussing and why I haven’t come to a good conclusion.


Something happens at work. You get hurt, but you feel good enough to keep on working. You send a text message saying something happened but all is well. You stay at work till your shift ends. You go home and all is still well. But the next day all of a sudden you don’t feel too well. But you told someone else that all is well. Now it seems not all was well… Turned out the feeling well part became worse during the day. But nothing was mentioned, not through a text message nor spoken word when coming home.
You tell someone later that your feeling well changed throughout the day. But you didn’t mention anything because you didn’t want someone to feel worried about you…

I don’t get it… First of all, when things go worse, you always go home a.s.a.p. Especially when you need to drive a car (can write that I’ve been there and done that). And when you don’t want someone to worry, OK… But why not mention anything when you come home? Why wait till the next day? When you have to be able to trust someone, it would be nice if you were allowed to worry when it could be necessary… When there was/is really something to worry about. To me, worries are not always negative. You can worry about something or someone because you care. It can show that you care… Which is very positive in my eyes.

I know I am a very open and sharing person. When ever I chat with someone, I always tell GF (since BF normally doesn’t care, but GF knows the people I chat with and I always think she might find it of interest). Even when I send out a text message I will let GF know. Just in case that person I have chatted with or texted to makes contact with her, so she knows about it. And it feels weird to be in contact with our friends without her knowing so. I know I am crazy in this… I know it is not what everyone does… But still… I would feel bad if I didn’t tell her, because it would feel like I am betraying her. Like I am not spending enough time and energy on her. I would just feel awkward and guilty…
But I know GF wants friends of her own. I know she doesn’t want to share. I know she wants to chat with them without me needing to know. But it is hard for me to understand why. Because I am not used to it… Because it’s not normal to me.
To me, not letting GF know that I have spend some online time with a friend, would feel like lying to her. Because when I don’t tell her, I am withholding the truth…

I guess this could be used as an example again….

But is it possible to say that withholding information could be considered lying? And if so, what would be the conditions in which it can be seen?
Is withholding information not lying but a lack of trust and honesty?
Is not being able to share everything normal or not? I love to share. I love to have someone to share it with. I love the fact that I have someone to share it with… But is that normal?

Why can’t I just be able to see things like most of the people do? Why is it so hard for me to “do as normal people do”? And with normal people, it’s of course the majority of the people who are considered well, normal… I know I am never able to understand it all. But I know I WANT to understand, I want to be able to see tings from a different view and in a different light… But I do need all the help I can get…

So if you have read this and you are willing to share your insights with me, please post a comment. I would be very grateful! Except for the spam…. Save yourself the troubles, I use a spam filter and will never allow spam to be posted to my blog site… So thank you! Both for commenting as for not spamming!

Have a nice day/night. I am off to bed for, what I think, will be another restful night… *sigh* Thanks for your interest in my blog ☺

Rode roos LW


~ by Lonely Wallflower on January 11, 2011.

One Response to “When is it a lie?”

  1. I’m sorry you seem to struggle so much with this. It must be hard to second-guess yourself on these feelings.

    As with most things, I think this is not a black and white question. There is no right or wrong answer, I think it all depends on the situation. Withholding information is something EVERYONE does, EVERY day. Sometimes it is out of social convention norms (For example, if the cashier at the grocery store asks me how I am, I’m not going to say, “Well, I started my period today, so I’m a little grumpy”), sometimes it’s based on how well we know a person (I’ll tell a co-worker I’m grumpy, but unless she’s my BFF, I’m not going to share I started my period.) And sometimes it’s on purpose in order to gain something or avoid losing something. (Like not telling my BF I got my period because if he thinks I’m pregnant, he might propose. PLEASE NOTE this is all made up examples, I would never do that to my BF! lol) So really, there is no one certain answer.

    I only have my own experience and opinions to go on as far as your situation regarding telling your GF if you talk to someone, but when I am in a relationship, I don’t mention everyone I talk to/text with to my significant other. Not because I’m hiding it, but because frankly, it’s not important enough. If my SO asked, then I would tell him, but if he doesn’t care, why should I waste our time together talking about a text message I sent that doesn’t matter in the long run? That’s just my way of looking at things though. To some people, it just isn’t important information.

    I think what’s most important is that you sit down with your GF and let her know that it’s important to you. I don’t think it’s fair to compare your feelings to so-called ‘normal’ feelings. It doesn’t make them go away after all. Either you can come to some sort of compremise, or she can give you her reasoning why she doesn’t mention it, maybe soothing your fears a bit.

    Good luck. 🙂

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