I feel lonely…

loneliness

Lately I feel like I am living alone. Due to my working hours I don’t see my GF or BF as much as I would like to. And when I am home, they either go to sleep or, at times, are still working themselves. I feel like I am alone. The only thing I can do is sleep with them… Sleep, yes! I feel like they have they have their own lives and I just come along for the ride. I can’t sleep properly. My back is hurting a lot, my intestines work badly and my head keeps hurting from those damn headaches. Yes! The headaches are back with a vengeance. I keep thinking… I keep questioning… I keep doubting… I keep feeling alone. I like the work I am doing, so I really would not want to find another place. Everyone knows that it took me long enough to find this job… Everyone that knows me knows how many letters and e-mails I have send out to find a job. And how many rejections I got back, if they responded at all…

I don’t know why I feel so lonely. Maybe it’s because when I am at home, most of the time I am home alone. I have only the dog to talk to but unfortunately, she is merely a good listener and not a good talker. I do chat at times with my GF, but it is different. Chatting on the phone, or writing e-mails at times is not the same as really sitting together and talking about stuff. I miss that… I miss the real personal times we used to share…

Somehow I feel like the time GF is spending without me is totally not with me in her mind. She is active on Twitter (I occasionally post something there, most of the times when I write a new post here) but most of the times with her co-workers. We’re both on FB (I am both on FB and Twitter with my LW name AND my real name) and I post many things on her wall but I only get small messages and some “likes” back. And when I tell her about it (OK in chat, of course) she says she is not into posting pictures. No, she just downloads tv shows with stupid women in it to make screenshots of those women. And they never resemble me so what is she doing with me? Yeah, I feel another depression coming on and this time, I almost welcome it. I feel alone. I feel abandoned in a way. I am someone who needs positive attention and right now I am really missing it. I have had both positive and negative stuff happening at work and I feel I can’t really talk about it. Talking takes time and energy. And when I get home, GF and BF head to bed. Or are busy with their own stuff and I feel like I am only bothering them.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop feeling the way I do. I need more than I am getting now. Maybe it is my fault and I should try to find a new job. But maybe this year, within a few months, I could get a contract. And I worked really hard for that. Some more security in income and having a job. And with a contract, I also feel like I have done a good job. That it’s a kind of a reward for the work I have done so far. And I would really like that. But these working hours make me feel like I am missing out on my lovers’ lives.

I feel like I am living alone. I feel like I am living a lie. I love the people I live with but I don’t really have a feeling that I am still living with them. I am living besides them. And knowing this situation won’t change in the next 1,5 years or so. Makes me damn sad indeed. I am not sure if I can go on like this. I need more. More positive attention. More feeling of that I am loved and supported. I know I ask a lot. I know I need to give as well.isolation But I am drained, I don’t know if I can give anything more. I can send messages, work hard to pay the bills. Help out whenever I can. But because I feel so drained, I am not sure if I can give any more. I feel I am more negative towards many things because I just can’t be bothered to care about it anymore. Why should I care? When I have the feeling no one cares about me? It won’t mater what I feel or think… When there is no one to notice it, when there is no one to hear you cry in the night… You feel alone. Even if you are not. Isolated might be a better word.

Am I making this up? Is my mind playing games with me again? Am I seeing things that aren’t there? Am I imagining things because I have too much time on my hands? Too much time to sit and wonder. To think things over and over just because it’s who I am and how my mind works? I keep trying to climb out of the dark place I keep getting myself in to. But somehow the back darkness is so strong and it keeps pulling me back. I can’t escape this by myself. I need help. I need someone who is willing to sacrifice a whole lot to keep me sane. Knowing this I feel selfish. I feel like I need more than I am able (or maybe willing) to give. I want to be happy and feel good. But I guess it is not something you can get by just wanting it. There is more that needs to be in “order” before you can achieve those feelings. You can’t just think it is all OK and it will be OK. Maybe some people can make it happen, but that doesn’t include me. I love to think positive… But I have felt positive about many things and most of them were taken away in a negative way… So it is hard to keep focusing on the positive when the negative is ruling your world and thoughts. When that darkness doesn’t seem to let me go. It shows me how good life and love can be at times, only to pull me back in the dark void.

I can’t keep focusing on the same positive things that lay in my future. After a while I feel like I have drained them as well and they will only bring me real joy when they have finally arrived and are really happening! How can I keep thinking positive when there are only so few things to stay positive about? How can I not drain them when I only have those to focus upon?

How can I feel happy within the situation I am in and will be in for about 1,5 more years? How… Can I win from the darkness? And if so, again, how?

I want to beat it, once and for all! But I need help… I know I can’t make it on my own, unfortunately…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 17, 2011.

2 Responses to “I feel lonely…”

  1. I suspect what you are feeling and experiencing are signs of depression… I have been pretty much the same way for the past few weeks. I can very much relate to the whole Twitter / FB things, whilst I am not as active on them as I was I have found comments on my blog have declined, and become paranoid I have done something wrong to offend fellow friends in the Madosphere, it feels like I no longer fit in. I leave comments on other blogs and when I check back the original blog author has responded to most of the comments but mine is ignored, I feel invisible… and I hate feeling this way, it does not help when you are isolated and lonely anyway which of course being single and living alone I am.

    I feel like the only person who wants me is my Dad and he only needs me for all the wrong reasons, often to fix something, call someone, write something… I am sick of feeling used…

    I feel like those people who use to be close friends of mine have become somewhat distant.

    It’s like the voluntary job I do, I no longer feel wanted or welcome, I took some time out went back and then took another two days off, my so called concerned friends and fellow volunteers have not texted or emailed to see if I am okay… but I immediately know I would call them if they were off or not around for sometime.

    Like you I feel my mind is playing tricks on me half the time, I have my 8 week follow up appointment with my Psych… tomorrow!

    • It’s been 11 months since we wrote this. And still, it hasn’t changed much. I have talked a lot about this with BF and GF. Have had another job after the one I had then and have a new job again after the second one. But still, I work in shifts. They work in changing time schedules. GF does her best a bit more to keep me in the loop. And I guess BF tries, when he can remember it…so not that often.

      Maybe it is within us dear, that we seek the “faults” we see, the changes we experience within ourselves. Even if it is the people around us who are “to blame”. But because we are different, we think different, see and experience things different, we always second and maybe even triple guess ourselves when something we’re used to changes all of a sudden. Ow I feel a new blog post coming up… Hope you are well!

      LW

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