Who am I?

So here I am again. My last blog was one that was more filled with on-line facts. Not really with my own feelings, thoughts and worries. I have been wondering a lot. And after the text at the Pdoc, I felt drained. Exhausted. Lonely. Sad. Mad. Angry. Disappointed. Hurt.

When we came home, I had the urge to cry. And I did, I cried. So many thoughts running through my head. So much pain, deep inside. So many questions how things might have been different if I had my diagnose earlier. What could have gone different? Who would I be now if I had more specific help along the way to adulthood? Would I have an education now with a job that applied to it? Would I have been beaten up less? Would I have had more friends? All of those questions of course never get any real answers. But still, I can’t help thinking about it all, a lot…And the Pdoc who did the testing on me for the AD/HD referred me to yet another Pdoc to check me on Asperger’s syndrome. But I think I will have to mention that I still believe I am bi-polar. There are so many things in those “check lists” that really define me. So I wanted to get that list and check it here in this blog post. It’s the only way that makes it really easier for me to write about it. To have a handle, a grip.

I took the following lists from my previously written blog.

Bipolar Disorder – taken from L. Dee Mendiola M.D.

Used to be called manic depressive disorder, bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme mood changes alternating between 2 opposites or poles: extreme highs (mania) and extreme lows (depression).

Being in the manic state includes the following symptoms:

• Excessive happiness, hopefulness, excitement, feelings of euphoria, “feeling on top of the world”
  There are times when I really feel like I can do anything I want to and succeed. Too bad those times never last that long, nor am I very successive…
• Markedly, increased energy, activity, and restlessness
  Seeing I have the hyperactive impulsive kind of AD/HD I guess it goes with me…
• Easily distracted
  Did I mention I have AD/HD 😉 So this point can be quite easy for me as well.
• Unusual irritability, shifting suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile
  Yes, there are moments I can just snap at someone due to something really stupid while the next minute I am feeling sorry about my actions and wonder why I behaved like that.
• Decreased need for sleep, may last for days with little or no sleep without feeling tired
  I love spending great parts of the night behind my laptop, watching a movie/TV show and just enjoying the quietness around me.
• Racing thoughts, jumping from one idea to another
  All in a day’s life… I always have thoughts like that.
• Increased talking, rapid talk
  I always talk fast, I am having trouble slowing down many times a day when talking to people. Especially when I am excited about something.
• Grandiose notions, tendency to make grand and unattainable plans, delusions of grandeur, false ideas of one’s intelligence, greatness and powers
  I want to do so many things and preferably at the same time. Especially when I know I have little time, I want to do so many things in the time I have that it’s difficult to chose. But I always feel like I can do them all (though often I don’t succeed).
• Increased sexual desire, high sex drive
  I believe I have blogged about this in the past (password protected post).
• Uncharacteristically poor judgment such as spending sprees, quitting the job, foolish business ventures
  Owwww Amazon.co.uk ♥’s it when I am on a spending spree…
• Increased risky behaviors such as impulsive sexual indiscretion, drug abuse particularly cocaine, alcohol and sleeping medications
  I have been known to drink just a little more (but never too much to cause hang overs) when I felt this way. A beer after work… OK, maybe two. Just to relax and enjoy.
  It’s been almost a year since I last used my bong, though I am thinking about using it again more frequently. Just to make my thoughts less frequent, less dominant… Maybe I will use the bong this weekend… Saturday night perhaps?Mania is diagnosed if the person experiences 3 or more of the above symptoms, and they last most of the day, almost everyday for at least 1 week.

Being in the depressed state includes the following symptoms:

• Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” mood
  Well, check out my blog posts and you know…there’s nothing more to add here now.
• Sleeping too much or too little, insomnia, middle of the night or early morning waking
  I have been known to stay up all night and not feel tired. Or stay in bed for over 10 hours and still feel too tired. And I almost never use my alarm, I am up then anyway…
• Reduced appetite or weight loss, or increased appetite or weight gain
  Hmmm, I have written about binge eating before and trying to lose weight that I gained (due to all the eating). Other times when I feel f*cked up, I won’t eat and only drink when necessary. It switches with the “reason” that got me in my bad mood.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
  YES! Some times I just can’t get enough, as I mentioned before. But other times I just can’t be bothered. I feel like I am not lovable enough, I am not worthy of all the love and attention…
  And I love to blog, video edit, take pictures, watch movies and TV shows. And sometimes I feel like I am too tired to do any of it, even though I know how much I normally enjoy those activities.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions
  Normally I can remember anything. But when I feel f*cked, I can forget the most stupid things. And it can be so hard to decide what I want to do… What I need to do…
• Decreased energy, fatigued
  Too tired, too lazy, too much to be bothered with… Just let me lay where I am…
• Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, helplessness
  Check MANY blog posts here… You know…
• Feelings of hopelessness
  Ditto the checking on posts on this site…
• Agitation, restlessness, irritability
  AH HA! Another thing I know I have written about many times before…
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders and chronic pain
  Been there, done that… And I have been tweeting a while about my stomach doing what ever it wants when ever I don’t want it…
• Thoughts of death, dying or suicide – with or without a plan, suicide attempts.
  Had many of those thoughts… No real attempts yet but I have made many plans in my silly head…

This has taken me more time than I had thought. If anyone who knows me/has been reading my blog has any comments (no spam, you know the drill) please leave them at the bottom of this post, thanks.

June 10th: next Pdoc appointment. So will mention Bi-polar (or hope GF does when I lose my nerve) when we talked about Asperger…

Thanks for checking in!!! Much strength to all of you out there!

~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 26, 2011.