Letting the guide take me…

1._the_complete_guide_to_aspergers_syndrome…on a journey through my past. Ever since I am told I might have a form of Asperger’s, I ordered the book you see on the image. I prefer to read in English, so of course the English version. And I am slowly working my way through it. Slowly because some parts are very confronting to me. Some parts I don’t really recognize myself in, but others…

I am only starting chapter 2 now, so I’d like to discuss chapter one with you all. Maybe you know the book, maybe not. But I guess it won’t matter, as I will be quoting some stuff from the book for this blog post.

And I have some personal stuff to mention in this post as well, besides the book impression…

I will start on the other personal issue, so I can focus on the book part after that.

Ever since the diagnose of being hyperactive-impulsive and probably having a form of autism (Asperger’s syndrome), I’ve been having major difficulties. Mainly with myself, partly with the world. And now I am having extreme difficulties within my relationship as well. And one side of me really wants to solve it all, because deep inside I know how much they mean to me. And especially she means to me… But I now know that I will keep f*cking things up. That it is to be expected that I will never be able to fulfill high expectancies of others. So I will keep disappointing people… I know I already have done so in the past. And I know I will in the future. Even in the present I know I did something wrong. And maybe it’s easier to point the blame to someone else. But I know I bare a part of this issue as well and I really don’t know what to do. As written, one side wants to fight for it. The other side wants to give up…on everything. If I will be alone, the chances of me hurting or disappointing someone besides myself are a lot smaller… But I know that sometimes I need some time alone. To clear my mind, as far as possible. To gain perspective without people disturbing my thoughts. And then, I long for love, care and positive attention from the people I love. But I know that I don’t deserve it. I am not worthy. I keep changing moods as I change underwear. And the underwear changing is something I am in control of. But my moods… It seems as I am a silent observer until I’ve noticed I have changed and then I try to scream “let me out, let me go!”. But it’s of no use because my voice is silenced, taken away by the same force that is taking over. Only if I keep fighting, I can overcome. But it’s hard and tiresome. It’s draining on your positive energy, on your will and it’s feeding your fears. Sometimes it takes me a couple of days to regain myself. Sometimes it takes weeks. And I know that there is a part of me in there but I am never in control too long. When I need to work, I put on an act. I don’t even have any difficulties with that, it comes easy to me. But as soon as I get in the car to head home, I feel the act fading away and the depressed, angry version of me gaining strength again.
broken_heart-1823So my thoughts now are: do I want to fight for my relationships, do I ask them to fight the good fight with me? Or have they fought enough, is it hopeless and should I let them go? Should I free them of me and the monster inside of me? What more can I ask? After 13 years with BF, last 5 also with GF… Can I ask them to sacrifice even more, just for me? Can I really hope they will fight the good fight, help me to understand the world and be safe on it? I feel like I am asking too much of them and that they already have done enough… So when the real me gets control, it tells me to let them please fight for me, so I know I am worthy and not totally useless. But when the depressed side kicks in, it tells me I am being selfish for trying to keep them on a string and I should just cut the wire and let them be free.
So many doubts… And due to them, this whole “question” I was wondering to myself is now becoming reality. I’ve come to the point where GF told me to leave her alone and BF is trying, but it feels wrong and too late. He thinks all this psychobabble is silly. And of course when you have no problems understanding people, understanding the world… But when you have never felt like you fit in, when you always question stuff because it’s not normal in your eyes but all those others treat it as normal… I know he means well… But still, why should I allow myself to be so selfish?
So she told me to leave her alone. I know I’ve been kind of an @$$ towards her because I kept replying on (to me very silly) Twitter messages she posted. I don’t like it when someone I have an argument with just turns their back on me and leaves me alone. And tells me to let that person be alone as well. I can’t do it. I have to talk about it. I can’t stop thinking about it until I have talked about it. So now this whole things haunts my thoughts. That’s why I needed to write about it before getting to my book “report” on chapter one. But now GF is sleeping in her room (which we also use as the guestroom, so there’s a bed there). Part of me wants to just get in there, get in the bed beside her, curl up and cry. But I know she dislikes me right now and it would only make things worse. If they can get any more worse… It seems that my relationship is linked to my moods… Which is understandable but also annoying. Because, even if I try to push the ones I love the most away from me when I feel down, I do need them to cope…fight_for_love_by_pincel3d

So to fight to be not alone, or to give it all up and be miserable alone… That seems to be the main question haunting me now…

But now I want to discuss chapter one of The complete guide to Asperger’s syndrome by Tony Attwood. I will only go into the stuff I find interesting for myself to post. Of course I can’t write about every aspect in this book, it would take me ages and also, it would cost me too much energy. I need to focus on what I think is important for me to post. If you are interested in this book, I am sure you can find it through your favorite online (book) shopping site. I believe it’s also translated into several other languages, so check it out. My book’s version ISBN: 978-1-84310-669-2.

Chapter one: What is Asperger’s syndrome?

As the title already explains, this is an introduction to this form of autism. Mr. Attwood used many, and I mean many, references to make this book as complete as possible. He quotes from his sister-in-law’s unpublished autobiography (she is diagnosed with Asperger’s) and he quotes from many other books related to tis topic. For every point, he has two parts: children and young adolescent/adults. The parts on the children are, in the first chapter, a bit longer than the adult parts. I guess because many research has been done on children, you can see their changes and differences towards other children easier compared to adults. The research on adults is still a lot younger than on children. But it took a while before people with this form of autism were diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome.
Lorna Wing was the first one to diagnose someone with Asperger’s. I believe this was the early 80’s. I was just an infant back then. So maybe I am just a little too old to have not been diagnosed during my childhood. But then, they also said I could not have ADHD. Because, back then, it was still called “Minimal Brain Dysfunction”. And I got an IQ test with an outcome of 141, so I had no brain dysfunction. And now, about 25 years later, I am diagnosed with a form of ADHD: hyperactive-impulsive type. I haven’t changed (that much) since then, but it shows how much the doc’s opinions and views have changed.

But back to Asperger. The chapter then goes on about the different sorts of disorders can lead to the diagnose of Asperger’s. One of them is, of course, ADHD. I write of course because some of the points to make the diagnose of ADHD overlaps with Asperger’s. Further more Tony names a language disorder, movement disorder, mood disorder, eating disorder and non-verbal learning disability. Well, I prefer the English language over my own, even if I am not fluent in it. I can learn just by using it… And I have been falling down a lot as a kid, I was older than others when I really started to walk. My mood… Well, why do you think I might have some form of Bi-polar as well? Hmm an eating disorder. Food is my comfort when I feel bad. But when I am too worried about something or someone I care a lot about, I can go on for days without really eating. But it’s not that I keep eating until I can’t move anymore nor that I detain myself from food until I’m only skin and bones. The last point, I am not too sure on. But it doesn’t mean you have to have symptoms from all these disorders! It was only put there because people with some form of these disorders can eventually get diagnosed with Asperger’s.

The chapter continues with how adults usually “find out” they are not stupid or crazy but that they have Asperger’s. Because it gets more media attention these days, people are more likely to recognize some parts of it. And then they can tell they’re concerned and at times, that will lead to a diagnose. It goes on with how adults normally react to finally finding out why they see and experience things different!
I can really relate to that. I am glad I now know (part of) the reason. But it doesn’t change my situation. It doesn’t make things easier for me. I can’t just “blame” my disorders (to call my ADHD, probable Asperger and maybe -just maybe- bi-polarity “my disorders”) for my actions. They can explain though, why  I see and or do things different. It can be easier for others to understand why my response can be so “weird” in their eyes at times. So yes, it really can help. But all these years I have been feeling left out, different… I have been teased and bullied, just because I was different. In the beginning I told my teachers and my mum. But it only made things worse. So that’s really when I started acting. Pretending stuff was OK, looking to what others did and trying to copy it. And sometimes it would work, I would be accepted into a group just because I acted it our right. But after a while, they saw through me and that usually meant more bullying or using me to get something done before dropping me like a stone in the wind river.

Later the chapter tells the reader about the advantages and disadvantages of being diagnosed. I think I have described a part of view on this already in this blog. It’s good to know why you are feeling so out of this world some times. But should you mention it when you go for a job interview? Will they maybe deny your job request, just because they don’t want to deal with someone with a “syndrome”? When you tell openly that you have a form of autism, will people still treat you the same? Should you just know it for yourself and the people closest to you and try to act your way out of situations with people you don’t trust that well? For me, knowing it helps a bit. But it brought out so many other questions… But, as I am still not officially diagnosed, I don’t want to risk sounding like someone with hypochondriasis so I still try to remind you (and maybe myself) that it’s still hypothetical. I might have Asperger’s and I think I could have Bi-polar disorder as well.  The more I read about it, the more it feels “right”. And you can check other blog posts that I have been feeling different sorts of ways before I even thought I could have either one of those… It’s nice to (maybe, hopefully) be finally able to give my somewhat strange behavior a name. To know what is causing it and hopefully find some help to help me cope with it all. Because I do want to understand simple stuff better, I do want to be able to have some grip on my mood swings.

print-bipolarBut the first thing I heard after the ADHD test, when the Pdoc mentioned a referral to a colleague because he had more experience with Asperger, that he could also prescribe me meds. And that’s another thing I fear. What will those meds do with me, do for me? What will happen if I take them? I know it’s still over 2 weeks until the appointment with the other Pdoc, but this question is really a heavy burden. Maybe I could Google it, but the good thing about the Internet is also the bad thing about it. Although you can find a huge deal of information, some things can be bullocks. And sometimes people will experience things differently. So I could end up thinking it’s OK while I should maybe fear it, and also the other way around. I could fear something that doesn’t need to be feared at all.

So well, that’s all I wanted to share for now. About my state of mind, about chapter one, about my life…

Hopefully I can write a post about chapter two as well. I would love to promise, but when I promise, it would mean I have to do it. And I only want to write such a post if I really feel like it. So I can´t promise… But please keep checking my blog if you´re interested. And again, feel free to comment but don´t spam me (you know it won’t be shown on the blog anyway, I will click the spam button and your post will be deleted).

~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 28, 2011.

6 Responses to “Letting the guide take me…”

  1. I wish I could give you a nice and simple answer about your friendships – if only it were that easy! I have had a lot of the same feelings in the past too. I tended to keep them to myself, which is really no better either. The only thing that made a slight difference for me was to write about it, to get my ideas out of my head, often saying the same thing over and over. This was before I started to blog so it was in a journal. But blogging would be just the same. I wish I could say something more helpful.

    I actually sat in a lecture on Friday about Asperger’s and ADHD so it’s very interesting to read your summary of chapter 1 of this book and how it relates to you.

    I always felt different at school to, like I never quite fitted in with anyone. I kept a lot to myself and was scared about sharing in case someone would ridicule me. For me it was a self-esteem and depression thing. It’s interesting how such similar feelings can be caused by very different reasons.

    As for the new pdoc appointment, I think it’s great that your current one gave you a referral to someone who knows more. I’m sure it will be very helpful. If you are unsure about medications it could be helpful to write a list of all your questions and take it to the new pdoc and show them the list. You are right that there is both good and bad reviews of meds online, and often neither can be accurate. If you do decide to do some research, take it with a grain of salt and remember that everyone reacts differently. The med that works the best for me, for example, is terrible for some others.

    Try not to be too hard on yourself and take care 🙂

    • Hello Bec,

      thanks for your long reply and sorry it took me a while to reply to it. At times, I am behind my PC/laptop too much and other times… Ah well, maybe you know the feeling….

      I know that, to most of my questions, are no simple answers. Sometimes there are even no answers at all! And deep inside of me, I know it, but that doesn’t mean that my mind will accept this and stop the search for the lost answers…

      I have always felt different and even when I am with people who I know to be my dear friends, I still feel like an outsider at times. Most of the time I pretend to know it all and just play along. Sometimes that isn’t an option and I need some time for myself to relax a bit. Maybe my story is a big mix… Because I gave my GF a book (planning to blog about it later) about loving someone who is Bipolar (or has Bipolar) and she just started it. She told me that many of the things she read so far, sound so familiar to her. And then I am still reading the book mentioned in this post above. I think it’s all a mix and together, it makes me who I am. But I still need to sort that out a bit before I can blog about it.

      I am glad that I got a referral, but it seems to take a lot of time. And I have been waiting for so long, that I am getting a bit anxious about it all. As for the meds, yeah I have thought about it a lot. And I will research and ask. I will ask more than Pdoc can answer, for sure!

      I will try not to be too hard on myself, but so far, I have never really succeeded in that. Thanks for caring 😀

  2. Very interesting post my friend. I did not know much about the condition you have wrote about but what you have written I can relate to in so many ways it is rather scary…

    • Hello my dear friend! I still don’t know much about this condition, that’s why I am reading up about it. I am also currently reading “Bipolar disorder – the ultimate guide” by Sarah Owen & Amanda Saunders. Some times I feel like reading about Asperger, sometimes I take the Bipolar book and at other times, I am currently re-reading Harry Potter part 5 🙂
      But in the book about Asperger it is mentioned that some of the conditions that you unfortunately suffer from, have lead towards more tests that eventually got the person (also) diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome.
      I do want to blog about both books while I read them, but not sure at what speed I will blog. But you know the site 🙂 And you have me on Twitter, so you will see the tweet when it’s online 🙂 *hugs*

  3. […] a bit more interested in my physical condition… But I first bought the book on Asperger. I did post about chapter one here on my blog already. About a year ago, a dear friend who suffers from Bipolar […]

  4. Can I have the password, you have sent it before I am sure but I cannot locate it, perhaps send it via FB… as I am not on twitter right now, but hope to return to twitter soon! Have a happy weekend! x

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