Dare to be different


Last night, during my work (I work in the night shift this week), I just thought to myself: dare to be different. I am different, that is something everyone will concur to. And after several appointments with psychologists (Pdocs), I am now slowly finding out what it is that makes me different. What makes me stand out in the average crowd… What it is that defines me, the real me… And some things are hard to accept. Deep inside I know that I have been like I am now for all my life. But only now I am starting to understand why I have been having so much difficulties at time, understanding what it was that made the world go round. I will use this post to clarify things (for myself) as I think of them and I hope that you, the reader, might find it interesting enough to read.

First I want to start with a song that inspired me to write this post. It’s a song by a superb Dutch artist, Ilse DeLange. And it’s called “I’m not so tough”. I do not own the video rights, I found it on YouTube. And thanks to lyricsmode.com, the lyrics are added as well.

Song lyrics | I’m Not So Tough lyrics

But as you have been able to read in previous posts, I have been bullied a lot. I now know that it was partly my own “fault” without knowing it. I know it’s never your fault when others beat you up, bully you and make you feel unwanted. But I now understand that it was my reaction towards the people who were bullying me, that made it more fun for them. My reaction was different because I couldn’t understand it. I could not comprehend and reacted in a way that provoked them even further. But now, so many years and tears later, I am starting to understand.

I want to understand. But it is hard. It’s more than just reading or hearing about yourself and just taking it for granted. And even though some of the things you just can’t deny…it’s not that simple to accept it all. You know that eventually you have to accept in order to learn about it, learn to cope and deal with it and in the end, live with it until the day you die. And even if you can find a way to ignore your problems (because the “effects” of the disorders can be quite a pain in the @$$), you still have to live with them. And of course there are always times when you so long to be normal, to be like the average human being… And to be “average” is to not have to cope with disorders… So to deny them…

But you can’t deny what’s inside of you. Believe me, I have tried. I have hit my head as hard as I could during (what I still like to call until diagnosed otherwise) mood swings against hard walls and floors. I have had such big headaches that I thought I could beat it out of me. If I only would hurt my head hard enough, something might snap it all to normal. No more headaches, no more overactive brain, no more thoughts on a high-speed train leading to self destruction at the end of the line… But it never helped. My brain is still on overload and I guess no self hard with my head against anything will ever help me get a clear mind… Maybe if I knock myself out though…

So at one point you have to realize it’s better to accept. But in my case, there’s so much coming at me at the same time now that it’s making it hard. Harder, in my opinion, as when dealing with one thing at a time. Then at least you can focus on the only thing, work on it, deal with it and accept it before something else pops up. But now, after a year of waiting, things are finally starting to work for me. But that also means that I get introduced to many aspects of my brain/disorders/life at once. Or quickly one after another. And I really need more time to deal with it. YES even though I have been living with my “conditions” for over 30 years now, I still need a lot of time to comprehend. To cope. To deal with it. To learn to live with it. And that is where books come in…

I am reading two books now, one about Asperger’s Syndrome and one about Bipolar Disorder. I have a Pdoc appointment next Friday. It will be hard because I will end my night shift duty just a few hours before the appointment (was meant to work evening shift this week but it changed). It’s a Pdoc who will check me out for Asperger’s Syndrome, as the previous Pdoc was more specialized in AD/HD. And, as mentioned before, if I don’t have the courage to ask the Pdoc about Bipolar disorder, my GF will. I am very fortunate to have her accompany me. BF thinks it’s not really necessary. He is more a technical type, if there is something wrong, you have to be able to see it. Otherwise, it’s all OK. Ah well, I have accepted his opinion and view on it, but sometimes I do wish he was a bit more interested in my physical condition…
But I first bought the book on Asperger. I did post about chapter one here on my blog already. About a year ago, a dear friend who suffers from Bipolar disorder, read several of my blog posts. She suggested that I should check out the Bipolar info, seeing she could see herself in several of my described situations. I did check it out back then and have always believed to suffer from Bipolar disorder myself. But it’s never been diagnosed. So Friday, hopefully, I or my GF will ask the Pdoc about it. It might lead to yet another referral, but I now really want to know all there is. Could it be that I suffer from a mix of disorders? That, because of that mix, some situations are exactly like you read about in books or on websites, but at other times, they don’t seem to really fit?

I dare to be different. Maybe it’s a little bit easier as an adult though. I remember that, as a kid, I first tried to fight myself out of it. But it never worked, so I later on just let the bad stuff happen to me. But as an adult, I am treated differently. A bit more respectful, it seems. Though I am still the same, wicked minded, person… Age does seem to make a difference.

I also bought a book for my GF. It’s called “When someone you love is bipolar”. Even though I am not diagnosed for having it, I thought it might be a helpful book for her. She has read a bit now and already says she recognizes many things mentioned. I asked her if she was willing to write something about the book (while she is reading it, her opinion and all; in English) so I could share it here with you. She said she was willing to do so. So when she has written about it, you will read it here.

I dare to be different. I try to talk about it with people that I know won’t judge me for sharing. People that won’t turn their backs on me as soon as I am done speaking. I am sharing it with all out here who are willing to read the stuff I am posting here. I am trying to follow other people’s blogs about the subjects I am posting about. Though I sometimes read less than I would like to read.

and try to be proud of it…


~ by Lonely Wallflower on June 7, 2011.

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