Thinking & telling…

chakra psychology mandala

Thinking about telling the truth. Thinking about all the tests I am going through and still have to go through. Wondering about the results it will give me. Fearful that those results will put a stamp on me. Will it put me in a box of stereotyped people who “suffer” from the same conditions as I suffer from?

So many questions that keep my mind occupied. And it’s slowly driving me crazy. I know I shouldn’t worry too much but I guess that is part of who I really am. When I did all those tests on Tuesday, I was eager on getting it all right. But deep down I knew I never could get it all right. If I would be able, I wouldn’t need the tests in the first place. But the tests I got, Pdoc F. told me that they use them on all sorts of situations, also with people who had other possible diagnoses. So that made me want to pass the test. And I thought so much about the tests I did during the rest of the day, that I slowly found out I had made some stupid mistakes. And I could hit myself for being to dumb! But GF told me not to worry since I wouldn’t get any grades, I wouldn’t fail anything. This was all for my diagnose and I shouldn’t use my precious time thinking too much about this. So of course, I kept thinking about it…

I kept beating myself up for making those stupid mistakes. I kept telling myself how stupid I have been, not giving the right answers. If only I had taken more time, of only I had stayed calm instead of having an increased heart rate and a severe headache…

But then I came to the next issue that had crept into my head. I have been telling some dear friends that I trust about the testing and all. And of course I have been blogging about it here. But then I started wondering: what will I do when I finally have my diagnose. When all the tests have been taken and done. What should I do with the information about myself? Of course I will tell my dearest friends and all… I guess I will be happy finally knowing what is going on. But I will be scared at the same time. What if I tell it to the wrong person who will use it against me?

I have read about programs to help people in my situation and I am trying to get accepted into such a program where they also will support GF (and I guess BF as well if he would want it). I also read that in some countries, people get special benefits when having been diagnosed. But what if I tell to maybe gain on those benefits and then it will work against me? That scares me a lot. I am not sure how to express myself accurately… Let me try to explain what I mean.

I want to get into the help program (if the diagnose would point that way of course) so that I can learn to cope and deal with it all. And, as mentioned before, the same goes for GF. But I already experience days when I feel bad and I just want to stay home, want to stay inside and I want to be on my own. I love to work, I love to earn my own money, but when I feel so bad, I wouldn’t mind to be able every now and then to call work and say I’m having a bad day. I know this is only possible in a dream world. But when I read blogs from people with mental illnesses that get social benefits and don’t work at all (and still are able to pay the bills). When I feel really bad, like I did after the tests, I would love to be in such a situation where work wasn’t a requirement to pay the bills.

But I guess that’s all a dream that will never come true. Most employers wouldn’t like to hear how an employee has a mental illness that can effect the work s/he does. I currently am working through a work agency. So I am already wondering what I should do once I have my diagnose. Should I keep it to myself and only share it with friends I trust or should I tell my current work then as well? So now I am wondering about it a whole lot… Keep to myself and “suffer” when I am experiencing a bad day? Or should I tell and risk losing the job I have at that moment due to fear (of the employer) of the unknown? It’s really frustrating… I want to work, earn my living. But some days I’d love to just call in sick when I feel very bad. But I guess I already mentioned that before…

So please, let me know (through comment or email) how you are coping/dealing with this all. Please don’t spam me though, thanks!

LW Rode roos

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on July 8, 2011.

One Response to “Thinking & telling…”

  1. I can understand what you mean. I have no idea how the likes of Social Security Benefits work in other countries, but as you know I do not work so get benefits in the UK, because I paid my taxes in my last job. I use to initially get SSP, which was a sick pay when my allowance for that ran out I was switched to benefits and therefore now get my rent paid and council tax in the UK. I do of course voluntary work which does not affect my benefits and is allowing me to keep some independence, but when I am unwell I can go weeks if not months without doing the voluntary work.

    There is a real fight going on in the UK over benefits for people with mental health problems, the government want to force people who are unwell back into work to save month and a company called ATOS are doing medicals on people and removing there benefits, as of yet I have not been called in but I am also not worried about it happening either because I fear as a genuine claimant I have nothing to worry about, if they take my benefits away I shall fight through the courts!

    I also know if I wanted to I could move anywhere in Europe and retain my sickness benefits from the UK government to live on, not sure if they would pay my rent in another country though!

    My advice to you is to seek some legal advice perhaps through an agency that helps people with mental health problems and see how things stand in your country.

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