Feeling sad

Feeling-Sad

I am looking for a high! I am looking for a manic period where I feel I can rule the universe! But instead I feel sad. I have some nice events to look forward to. But when I don’t think about them, the sadness sets in again. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I have the early shift this week, so very early alarm time. And I got angry with myself for not being able to fall asleep… And then I also felt sad again, so I lay in bed feeling horrible and I just cried. I texted GF, because I really was feeling alone… She came up to join me.

I am sleeping in the attic room. I need some “me time” lately and sleeping alone helps. This way I know BF and GF have enough space in bed and when I can’t sleep, I am not keeping them awake as well. But when I feel bad, I also feel alone. So I send GF a text, because I knew BF had to be up early as well. And I know GF is more open to my current “state of mind”. BF is more technical: when something is broken, you can see it so you can fix it. But when you can’t see anything wrong…

I am still taking lithium. 2,5 pills a day now. I am not really sure if they’re helping. GF says she is noticing differences, I just keep feeling sad. I want to plan a short vacation (so I am focusing on that a lot!). I just want to have a short break, a short vacation. Hopefully we can go to a vacation park in Germany for a midweek in January. GF needs to arrange things with her internship for that school year. If that works out, we can (hopefully) book the short trip. That will hopefully enlighten me a bit.

There are so many small things I can focus on, positive things. But it is hard. It seems like every time I “use” a good thing to look forward to, some of it’s energy gets drained. And at some point, I have used all the energy an event can provide me and I have to search for new energy… It’s a never ending chase between positive energy and me. And I wonder if I will ever be able to abort the chase because I feel positive and happy enough by myself, without being in a manic period. I guess I will always experience some manic and depressed periods, if the lithium really helps. So it will never completely go away. It will always be a part of me, of who I am. I will need to learn how to live with it. But it’s hard when the sadness is taking up such a big part of my thoughts…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on July 26, 2011.

4 Responses to “Feeling sad”

  1. “So we’re okay, we’re fine
    Baby I’m here to stop your crying
    Chase all the ghosts from your head
    I’m stronger than the monster beneath your bed
    Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
    We’ll look at them together then we’ll take them apart
    Adding up the total of a love that’s true
    Multiply life by the power of two”

    This is a part of a song from Indigo Girls called “Power of Two”.
    You will get your manic period and while you’re not in one i’ll be there for you and chase all your ghosts.

    I DO notice a difference and I hope you will notice it too soon. We’ll get through this, like we got through all the other ones. I am proud of you that you are still standing.

    LOVE YOU!

  2. Hope you feel better soon 🙂 I quite like your blog, by the way,

  3. I know this isn’t an open blog to speak about yourself, but I gotta get this out. i don’t have a lot of friends I can talk to. i’m feeling very sad and worthless. I feel like no one loves me and that the world could have been okay without me in it. I feel like I’m stupid and fucking ugly and my breath is a waste of space. the only thing holding me here is that I have to protect my son. I know that without me he would not be happy, no one would love him unconditionally as I do. I just wish I had family and a guy that really love me and care………….

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