Living with me

The last one and a half week I have been feeling down and depressed. Even though I like my work, it was weighing me down every time I had to go. I had fun stuff planned with my friends and lovers but it still couldn’t get me out of the darkness. And while I type this, I should be sleeping now, I feel tears burning behind my eyes. I have to many emotions bottled up inside of me that it’s making me feel like I’m a walking time bomb. Ready to explode any minute, any second, now…

But I don’t want to give in. Even though my headache feels like it’s getting worse, I want to win. But I do feel that, at some point, I will have to let all those emotions run wild and free before they all take me down with them. Unfortunately, most emotions I am feeling right now are all but pleasant and that scares me.

It scares me because I do not know how releasing these feelings will affect me. I know that they don’t do me much good at the moment. It is hard for me to get out of bed every morning. Even though I may not be tired, it just takes so much energy to get up and get dressed. I’d rather stay in bed and just lay there… Maybe read a bit when I feel like it, or watch a DVD or listen to music. But just me alone in my room doing my things… Not bothering anyone and no one to bother me. Just me and my little bit of freedom. But then I remember I am not a multi millionaire and I need to work in order to receive money… So I push myself once more and get up and dressed.
I am hoping that, when I finally have my first diagnoses, I can find out more about support from the state. I do love to work for my money and I really want a place where I can be myself, do good work and hopefully one day get myself a nice contract. I don’t want to sit at home and do nothing to receive money. But it would be nice if they could like, sponsor me for 2 working days a week so I could work 24 hours and have more time to work on myself. When I feel bad I would like to stay home every now and then, just work on myself to make me feel better. But I have to work so I am afraid that sometimes only makes it worse… Even though I like my work, it frustrates me and my thoughts are constantly trying to take over the concentration I need to do my work. So the headache I already had is only getting worse…

The weather’s been a tease as well, also not helping me feel better. On the contrary, it only makes me more depressed. When I have to work the early shift I am able to enjoy the afternoon sun in our garden. Of course it will rain when I get home then… When I work afternoon/evening shifts, I barely have time to sit in the garden, let alone sit in the sun… So when I go to work, the sun will be shining like crazy… I hate that so much. Ever since April and a week in May, there have been about 4 days where I had the early shift and I could enjoy the sun in our garden… Of course, due to my anger about the weather, my headache increased. So my eyes got even more sensitive to bright light, so even if there would have been any sun while I got home from the early shift, my head hurt too much to enjoy it (so it might have been good in a way that we got so much rain then… /sarcasm).

I can’t imagine that living with me can be fun. Maybe when I feel like I am at the top of my game and I could conquer the world… But when I am depressed… Nope… There are even times when I can’t stand myself! So I start hating myself and it worsens my depression. I feel like I am bringing GF and BF down. My mood rubs off on them. And then when I need some positive love and affection, they got sick of my complaining and nagging and don’t feel any kind of love for me… It feels like a spiral going downwards until I’ve hit rock bottom.

I am still taking my lithium pills. Still hating them as well. But I promised GF I would try them. She still insists there are changes. The only difference I feel is that I feel so sad. I could cry about anything at any time… But I guess that is my mood that went down and not those nasty tasting pills…

In less than 6 hours my alarm will wake me. Tomorrow (today) we have a fun day planned. And I am sure I will be able to enjoy myself to the fullest. But on the inside is still that darned and nasty demon trying to take me down even further…

Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome, spam won’t be approved. Have a god day everyone and take care of yourself and your loved ones!

LW

~ by Lonely Wallflower on August 6, 2011.