Another tear has shed

Another tear has shed
another fight’s been had
and now my GF’s mad
and that makes me sad

I know I take things literally. I know I hate change. I am a planner. I love to plan stuff. I have to plan all I do. I need strict rules and guide lines. I need something to hold on to when it feels like the rest is falling apart and slipping away. I need to know where and when, what with who and how. It’s not the way I want to live but it’s the way I need to live. I never chose to be like this. But I know I have tried to change and every time I just fail myself, get greatly disappointed in myself which only makes my mood drop faster.

I want to be like other people. I want it to be easy to understand what they are really saying, as reading between the lines is a b*tch for me. I want people to tell me how they feel. It is hard to see it just by looking at them. OK, I can finally “read” some faces from people that I spend a whole lot of time with, but at times I still get it wrong. But the people that have spend such a long time with me know me a bit better. They get less offended if I get something wrong. Because sometimes I do dare to say something in a (for me scary and a bit awkward social situations) and I feel later on that it may not have been the right thing to say… I want be to able to know what to do. I want to be able to know what to say. Not feel scared to speak or do something. Not take a step back because I wouldn’t know what to do so it’s better to walk away and do nothing.

Sometimes I feel it would be best if I would be alone. So I could harm no one, hurt no one, offend no one. And  I wouldn’t bother anyone as well. My mind works differently and there are times that it almost feels like an excuse for me to act different. But I have tried to change, I have tried to find a different way but it always leads me back to the one I know best. And often I disappoint myself because I really wanted it to work and I can’t get it to work. And when that happens, it’s yet another trigger for me to feel sad, mad, lonely, angry. And  slowly get depressed once more (if I wasn’t in a down mood already). So I haven’t only let the people I love down by not being able to change a certain pattern of behavior, I have also let myself down. And that makes me feel like I am a loser, born to never win at all.

Another time to give up
I’d better join the club
of losers and wanna-bees
never able to really please

This text above is (of course) about social interaction. I try to interact. I do it wrong and well, I want to be able to do it but I guess some things you have to have from birth. Not everything can be taught. How ever much you’d like to be able to do it, I guess you have to accept that if you gave it your best shot (or shots, many times you keep trying until your energy is drained) and it won’t work. Loved ones, friends or Pdocs can sometimes help you to achieve your goal. Or to reset your goal so it will be manageable by yourself or with help.

But of course…it is hard to ask for help! There is a part that fears the help asking. There is a part that is ashamed to admit the need for help. And to ask for help is also a way of socially interacting with someone else while admitting it is done because of certain needs. Some people, like Pdocs, know that they are called upon to help, it’s their profession. But with friends and/or loved ones it can be more difficult. When you feel down, stressed, it is likely your mood has been noticeable. And most of the time, in an anything but positive way! So that makes it even harder to face people who had to endure you while you weren’t on your best behavior to ask them for a favor. I would guess most dear friends would understand, as they would know a bit about your medical “issues” but that doesn’t always make it easier to live with it…

I try to learn with what I read
With websites and books do I feed
But the information that I need
Never seems complete

I am still busy reading my Dummy book on AS. And again, some parts made me think: hell yeah I know that feeling! I would really recommend it to anyone interested in/affected by Asperger’s Syndrome. The book can be ordered through the English Amazon website.
I am currently reading chapter 3 (Diagnosing Asperger’s Syndrome). The book has 18 chapters, divided into 5 parts. In this third chapter there was a hint (page 37) which I would like to share with you, as I find it indeed an important thing to know (something I find really useful):

If you’re a friend of someone on the spectrum (or anyone else for that matter), don’t expect them to pick up on your feelings intuitively. Always tell them how you feel rather than expecting them to understand it from your body language, tone of voice, or facial expression.

And a small, but very good tip I found in chapter 2, page 30:

When talking to someone on the autism spectrum, use literal language and explain idioms.

So hopefully these two small but important (in my eyes) tips can help you to have a better relationship with someone who is connected to the autism spectrum.

Which brings me to something that frequently comes up during arguments between GF and myself. Because of how I am, I need people to be open and honest to me. As stated before, it is difficult for me to read in between the lines. I have always been honest to GF, to anyone, because I don’t see any use in lying. It will only hurt others and myself when it comes out in the end… And the last couple of months, with all these tests and talks with Pdocs, I feel like I have been turned upside down and inside out. Like every bit of information on me has been seen through a magnifying lens. And that made me feel vulnerable. I know I am not perfect and I also know now that I will never be perfect. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be there for GF when she needs someone. I know I won’t always react in the best way whenever she tells me something. But that is not on purpose. I want to be that listening ear when she needs to talk about something, I want to be the one with the shoulder to cry on. I want her to believe in me as much as I believed in her while going through all the difficult tests and talks. When she then tells me that she’d rather talk about stuff with someone else, that hurts. I want to be the one to confide in. I want to be the one she trusts with all there can ever be. But when someone else is needed and I get pushed aside on “that matter” (as I won’t get to know that it is), it hurts a lot. It feels like I can’t be trusted. I wish I could learn better social skills so I’d be an even better ear… So I would react in a better way. I want to learn. But how???

Ah well… That’s it for now folks! Signing off as I have to sleep now. I have an early alarm and I should have been sleeping a while ago now. Thanks for your interest! And remember, comments are welcome, spam is not!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on August 7, 2011.

One Response to “Another tear has shed”

  1. its amazing….

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