Different

unique-and-differentI have stated before that I always have been different. And now I am finding out more and more quirks about myself while reading the books about AS and Bipolar. Some things I never knew were different now seem different to me because they were mentioned in either one of those books. I always had taken them for normal, as they were a part of me and my life. I always thought other people were behaving weird at times, because they did things differently from me. But now I have to face the facts and admit that I am the different one. Finding that out left an invisible scar. It hurts and makes me feel more aware of all my faults (for I see most of the quirks/differences as faults). And of course that doesn’t do me too much good either…

Ever since I started all these tests and talks, I have found out more about myself. That was, after all, the intention of it all. Finding out what exactly was different and together with a diagnose I want to find a cure. OK, cure isn’t the right word. I want to learn how to cope, how to deal, what I still can change and what I never will be able to change due to DNA and all… So the positive thing is, that I am slowly on my way to get a diagnose. The negative thing is, that finding out all these differences about me hurt and put me in a downward spiral…

I go through all these tests, put up with all these talks to find out what’s going on inside my brain. Which wires are crossed, sort to speak. But my intention was to feel better when finding out the diagnoses and all. So far, it’s been nice to give it a name and to give it a temporary name (until the diagnose is in). But that is the only positive side of it all. As I mentioned earlier in this post, it hurts to find out that you are different. And it also hurts because if I had known earlier about these differences, about my illness (I have to call it something and I am still looking for the right word), my life could have been a lot different.

If they had tested me like they test kids now for ADHD and other mental illnesses, I might have been diagnosed back then. It could have saved me from a lot of teasing, bullying and fighting (never stared by me though), because I would probably have been sent to a different school.
I am writing words in italic because it is all speculation. I speculate based on the way the tests are being done these days. As I wrote in a previous blog (I think it was last year when ADHD came into view as one od the diagnoses), they used to call ADHD “minimal brain dysfunction”. And because of that name, they assumed that you could not have a high IQ, your brain wasn’t functioning right so your IQ should be low. And the tests I had to do when I was a kid, well my IQ came up pretty high. Not sure what is left of it now though… But my point is, many things in the medical world have changed. And for some kids, these changes will make a difference right when they need it. But for me it comes too late and now I am a thirty something years young woman. I have lived with all my faults, with all my quirks, and they are hard to abandon. And some things, as I wrote before as well, I will never really be able to do. My brain just will never be able to cope, to deal with it. And other things might take a very long time to learn. So at my age, I am back to a learning process, one that would have been so much better to go trough at kids age…
But I don’t want to complain here. The past is the past and it will never change, no matter what. But of course it does bug me and it also irritates me when I think back to my childhood. I have spend years trying to think about the past as least as possible. But with all these talks with the Pdocs… I have had to relive parts of it again, unfortunately. That might also explain the tearful nights. I never remember any of my dreams, good or bad. That could be a blessing but it’s also very annoying. Because when I wake up and my pillow is wet from the tears I have cried during my sleep, I want to know why I have been crying.

OK I seem to be drifting off my original topic here. But it wouldn’t be the first time for me to let my thoughts get carried away… Ah well, it is my blog so of course I can write what ever I want. But I want to give you, the reader, a glimpse inside the head and life of well, me. And I guess getting carried away is part of who I am. Anywhoo…

I just guess that I have been wondering about being different. I know I am. I am slowly accepting it but it is very hard. Because you have to come to terms with who you really are. And of course I always knew, but now the differences are being pinpointed. It is becoming more clear on what my quirks are. And as I mentioned before, stuff I have seen as normal all my life now, it’s slowly falling apart because the majority of the people doesn’t agree with me and because some Pdocs clearly describe it as one of the “elements” of the mental illness I am reading about. So, I have to learn how to deal with it. And it already made me wonder who to share this personal information with. It could be essential that some of my friends and family (and loved ones of course) should be told. And because I have known these people for a longer time, I know I can trust them with my personal stuff.
But who to tell besides them and should I even tell it? And then, when I do something socially weird, can I “blame” it on my condition or should it always be my full responsibility? So that is the next question that has been haunting my head. And I guess it could be the topic of my next blog post. So I would like it if people would like to share their view on this question with me. You can either comment here or reach me by email. Since I don’t want spam in my email box, I will put spaces in between the link: lonelywallflower @ hotmail . com Thanks!

Well, that’s it for tonight. My eyes are burning and I need some rest/sleep. Thanks for checking out my blog and if you care to comment and/or email me (about this post or about the question asked in this post), thanks for that as well!

Think positive and have a good day, LW Rode roos

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on August 8, 2011.

3 Responses to “Different”

  1. That you things differently than other people won’t say that they are wrong. There are more roads leading to Rome. So why do you want to call them faults. Did anybody tell you that it were faults?? Or do you say it are faults. I think that you are just doing things in another way and that they are not (always) wrong.

    I understand that it’s hard to find you that you are different from all other but you knew that already right? I know hearing it is hard and that it hurts you. But in some way you already knew. Now you get a stamp and I think that THAT is the thing that hurts you. But also gives you some space… because now it has a name, you know what it is and you are going to work to some safe space where you can be yourself. Where you know you can react as you want to and people won’t look weird towards you or something. I know I will be there.

    I also think that your closest friends already know. They know you and they see you. I think when you tell them they are going to tell you that they knew there was something but could not name it. When you do something weird (as you say it) people won’t look at you because you are doing something weird because your friends know who you are and accept you for who you are. With or without the quirks.

    People say things are weird to a lot of stuff. Stuff they don’t know, don’t understand. That will not make you weird. That can also be their weird behavior or there little minds not understanding it all. So please don’t think you are weird because you are not. When they say you are… it’s you and me against the world!

    • Thank you sweetheart for your reply! I indeed knew I was different, I just never thought it could be because of something like well, mental illnesses. I just merely thought I was different. It is good to be able to give it a name. But it also makes it harder as well, as you commented. I know you will be there, but there are times when even you don’t notice something “wrong” before it’s “too late”.
      That people call many things “weird” makes it even harder for me to understand. The best thing would be a guide for me 😉 with a list of all things really weird.
      I think I will always see myself a bit weird, very quirky and above all, anything but “average”. In some things, it’s all perfect and OK. But I often do feel my life (and maybe yours as well) would be easier if I were more “average”.
      Thank you for loving me with all my quirks and weird things… I love you too! I can’t imagine my life without you at my side! ♥

  2. […] now, wanted to shut my eyes over half an hour ago… Please help me with the question I asked in my previous post […]

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