Friends, trust, fear & love

love-me-without-fear

This post will be about all of the things mentioned in it’s title: friends, trust, fear and love. Of course, knowing me, many other things will get mentioned as well. But I guess it will pop into my head while writing so in a way, it belongs to the thoughts of my wicked mind (see the sub-title of this blog). I have been thinking a whole lot the last few weeks. After a few arguments and talks with GF, the thoughts went more into the direction that is now becoming this blog. I hope I am not confusing anyone, besides myself of course.

You might have been reading my previous posts, you might just be dropping in. I will try to explain myself as good as I can. But I won’t recall all that I mentioned in older entries. So please, if you are really interested, check out the older items that I wrote and shared on this blog site, thanks!

The image that I used to start my blog with is not my own! I found it online and tweaked it a bit to suit my blog. The text was very gripping and I just wanted to share it with you, my dear reader.

Anyway, let’s get this blog rolling towards towards where I want to to roll to…

I have issues with trusting people. I used to trust people at an instant. If they were nice to me, I replied that niceness with trust and friendship. But I have been hurt too often, used too often and now my trust isn’t that easy to gain anymore. I don’t hand it our to anyone who smiles at me, not anymore. If someone would want to gain my trust, that person would have to prove him/herself to me. It might sound greedy, wanting someone to work for it, to trust me right away before I might be able to trust that person. But I just can’t do it, not anymore. And when you have gained my trust, you are my friend and I feel I am safe with you. I am not afraid you will judge me rather than to take me aside and talk with me in a decent and respectful way.

When I am in a good mood, or manic mood as books about Bipolar and Pdoc W. call them, my trust issues aren’t a big deal. I feel good and nothing can hurt me. When I feel like that it doesn’t mean though that I trust people easier. But I get less suspicious about things when I feel good. When my mood drags me down again, I don’t even trust myself. But that is when I feel the lowest. When I “just” feel a bit down, I get suspicious. I get scared that people find me annoying, useless, irritating and all other things that are negative. I even think that my GF wants to get rid of me. When ever she gets a text or e-mail and she does her best for me not to be able to see it, I go insane! We did talk about it a bit today and I hope I told about my feelings in the right way, so she isn’t offended but able to understand my reasoning. It’s not like I don’t trust her. It is that a voice inside me tells me that I suck and she can do so much better than what I have to offer. In the past she has hurt me a lot by misusing my trust. It caused us to fight, cry, yell, almost break up (several times). But even though she hurt me, I want to trust her because I really care for her. And I know she also cares for me (the down side now telling me: “don’t know why she would love a loser like you”). So now she knows why being open and honest mean so much to me, I have gained more confidence in our relationship and I am rebuilding my trust. It isn’t just done like that, it takes time. But as long as GF and I work on it together, I have faith it will work and in the end, we know each other even better than before.

I never call people my friends easily. As you have read in previous posts and in the beginning of this one, I have been used by people too often. Before I am willing to call someone a friend, trust needs to be earned. And when I see you as a friend, it still doesn’t mean I will share all with you. I have different levels, if you will, of friends. Some people I only see at certain events and I interact once in a while on FaceBook/Twitter. Some are friends, some merely acquaintances. People I feel good enough to be around, to talk to when I see them because of some mutual interests. Only dear friends will know most about me. And those are the people I have spend many quality hours with. So they have already accepted me as I am and might only benefit from knowing the names to my illnesses (is this really a good word for the stuff I am suffering from???). Then they can read about it themselves, if they are interested. And real friends also know about this blog and they will respect my anonymity.

I have had some arguments/fights with GF where she called me jealous. But, of course I have been thinking about that a lot each and every time, I don’t call it jealous. I call it fear. I care a great deal for GF (and BF of course) and I don’t want to lose her. Even conscience angel devil toonwhen I am down, very down, depressed, and I try to push her away because I feel like I don’t deserve her…it is killing me deep inside when I behave like that because I don’t really want to live without her. But it is my mind believing I am only making her feel bad, sad and I am dragging her into my depression with her. I want to preserve that from happening, so I start pushing her away. And while doing that, I am the b*tch my head tells me I am because I am hurting her by pushing her aside when she wants to be there for me! So again I prove that I sometimes have an angel and demon fighting inside of me. My mind thinks one thing (or way too many) while my heart wants just the opposite. And when I am down, my mind is always stronger than my heart. When I get my cool back, when I slowly crawl out of the darkest of the dark, my heart gains some strength and takes over again. Then I feel the guilt for all I have said (and most of the time didn’t mean, it was my anger together with my depression taking over at the time) and then I see I have been pushing when I should have been pulling…

But whenever I feel down, whenever that voice is back inside my head, I get scared. Scared that this time, when I have another tantrum, I might push her away for good. Or that my fears come true, that GF meets someone willing to do more for her than I ever could, without all the mental problems. So I get even more insecure before it “might” even be necessary. I am not a jealous type, I am afraid I might lose the one I would never wants to lose! Afraid… It is hard for me to admit that. Because fear isn’t a positive thing. And if I want to feel good, if I want to get “better” (as far as that can go) I need to try and avoid triggers and keep a positive eye on things. But fear and fear of losing someone is all but positive… *sigh*

I need to get some sleep now, wanted to shut my eyes over half an hour ago… Please help me with the question I asked in my previous post people:

But who to tell besides them and should I even tell it? And then, when I do something socially weird, can I “blame” it on my condition or should it always be my full responsibility? So that is the next question that has been haunting my head. And I guess it could be the topic of my next blog post. So I would like it if people would like to share their view on this question with me. You can either comment here or reach me by email. Since I don’t want spam in my email box, I will put spaces in between the link: lonelywallflower @ hotmail . com Thanks!

Thanks for checking out this post. Feel free to comment (remember, still not allowing spam) and I’ll be back Slapende halve maan

Think positive folks, LW Rode roos

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on August 10, 2011.

One Response to “Friends, trust, fear & love”

  1. […] August 2011, I wrote a blog post called “Friends, trust, fear & love”. I thought I should link it here, as it has one of the same topics as this blog has: […]

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