Black and white

black-and-white1When I see the world, it’s in black and white. Just like the first television sets, but with stereo sound. There is a choice of left, straight ahead or right and nothing in between of that. When you ask me a question, you’ll always get an honest answer. But it will be straight up, no beating ‘round the bushes (I believe that’s how it’s called in English), plain and direct. Some people can’t handle it. But it’s the only way I am capable of doing this. I don’t see a point in softening the edges because in my eyes, if you have bad news to tell, it will suck any way you will tell it. And it might sound better to you if you tell a friend (for example) that her boyfriend is sleeping around with a comforting smile on your face but will that make the pain less? The friend will suffer either way. And maybe she is going to blame the messenger, as often happens. Well, at least she has a reason to hold a grudge then, even if it’s only because I didn’t wrap the bad news up for her with a nice bow on top of it.

Of course I have always known that I experienced things differently from others. But often people just called me rude for being so harsh and not seeming to care. Never have they looked beyond that and seen that I did care but this was just my way of showing that. By telling the truth, open and honest. People always pointed a finger at me for being the bad person. Once or twice some people did take the effort to look beyond that and they saw it was who and how I am. These people I now consider close friends.

Never did I understand why people were so mad at me when I was only the messenger. I couldn’t begin to understand what they were thinking. So I never tried to let it hurt me too much, which in the end it always did of course. That’s the way these things go. And I guess this is something everyone has experienced once or twice in their lifetime. When you try to let something just pass you by without scratching you, it ends up hurting you the most. If someone ever told me why they were so upset with me, I might have been able to make the connection. Now, after so many years, I am finally but slowly discovering things about myself. Things I thought I knew but now I really am learning about, they are finally making sense. Well, more or less…

Now I can say that I see the world in black and white. And, as I experience it, other people experience it in black, white and many shades of grey. I now have to find my way through all these shades. Try to learn about them, try to see it in different ways. I guess some ways I really just can’t see due to the way my head is wired. But, together with much love from GF (and BF somewhere in the back of the room, mumbling while working on his laptop), with much understanding from my very patient GF, I might be able just to scratch the surface. And while working on that scratch, I also hope that GF will be able to understand my view on the world better. So she can see that some actions, some things I do, I can’t really control, like it’s programmed in my head “if something goes like this, you should react like that”.

And whenever I am in the mood, I will pick up one of my books on AS or Bipolar disorder and learn while I read. Shiver while I read as well. Some things are so close to home, like it’s me they write about. And some things scare me, especially when it’s about the future. When they write stuff can get worse over the years, more frequent and/or heavier. When I read it I get scared because I wonder if that will happen to me. They wouldn’t mention it if it happened to only a few, so I am bound to be influenced by it as well. And then I start to worry on how it will be able to hurt GF, how I will be able to hurt her if it really gets that bad. And when seeing it all in black and white, well it can go either good or terribly bad. Of course, feeling like I do, I often wander down the path of how things would go if they would turn out to be bad. And you can imagine that it makes me only feel more depressed. So deep underneath all these thoughts I also am aware that I am hurting myself by thinking this way. But since I didn’t find an answer within my own questioning, these questions keep popping up.

When ever I have found myself in a situation where I didn’t understand what was happening and I found myself in doubt… That situation will keep in my mind, pop up ever now and then, until I have found an acceptable answer. For some reason I just want to know what caused that situation so that I may know what to do when it happens again. Or maybe I may find an answer that will help me to prevent it from happening again. But, I do the same when I got caught in a good situation, a positive one, and I didn’t know what to do. Because, of course I like the positive part and by knowing how to react and how to be, the next time this situation might even be better.

Seeing things black and white. I never really thought about it until I found out more about my mental illnesses. The ones I have and the ones I may have. While talking to Pdocs and while talking a while lot more with GF, I came to the B&W conclusion. And everything I can place on a positive and neutral side is white for me. All negative is black. Which if, of course, very obvious. But for me, it’s either black or white. As long as I can’t place a situation, a happening and even a person in either one of those two colors, I am lost. And, depending on what/who it is, I can get quite mad at myself for not being able to place it. I often need to talk about it, preferably with GF, and I always hope she can help me place it. But sometimes she doesn’t understand. She’s not able to see why it’s so important to be to place the thing/situation/person. And she can get annoyed with me, while I will get annoyed with her. Sometimes we can even get into a ridiculous fight over things like this. And in the end it is really stupid because it was a misunderstanding. But when I am frustrated with myself and I have come to the point of asking help on it, I am also mad with myself for being to stupid for not knowing the answer myself. And when GF turns me down, in my eyes, by thinking it is a stupid question… Well, I guess you can add this one together for yourself…

Grey… What is grey? Why is it so easy for people to put stuff into that grey area and just leave it at that? Why can’t others see the black and white, Yin and Yang, and use it like I do? Please leave comments (so NO spam) on this issue. I am planning to continue writing on this issue (black, white & grey) so all your input is welcome. If you’d rather reply privately, you can email me at lonely _ wallflower @ hotmail . com (without the spaces). Thanks!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 4, 2011.

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