The end results…soon…

colored-flower-petals-wide-1As you all know, I have done two three hour test days to find out if I am on the autistic spectrum, especially on the Asperger spectrum. Many signs already pointed that way. But I need an official diagnose so I can gain help in learning to deal with it. And also to help my loved ones to deal with me. Next week, Thursday if I am right, I will know more. I will finally receive the end results of these tests.

I have always worked as much as I could. When I was depressed, I pretended I was OK because I needed the income. It only made it harder to get out of the negative spiral because I was pretending all this and that and I could not be the person I really was at those times.

But how could I be the person I was? I never totally understood everything. Yes, my IQ isn’t low… Yes, I have passed tests. But it wasn’t always easy. Living was hard and I never understood why. Of course I did always point it to myself, that it was my fault. That I was so stupid for not understanding. And that gave ne quite a negative self image. I still have it, even though deep inside I know I am good in some ways. But when people tell you to act normal when you thought you were doing just that, acting… You feel like a failure.

I don’t mind working. But there are days when I want to crawl away in bed, not see anyone, only to get out for something to drink or a bathroom break. But now I have to drag myself out of bed and act like I am OK. And that is very hard. I can be quite good at it but it is not something I am proud of nor I like to do. I am hoping that, if my results are positive, I can get some governmental help. I would like to work 3 days a week so I have 2 days for myself. To really take care of my thoughts, to stay in bed if I need it, to write all I have in my head to clear it. Just some me time. But I can’t afford it without any support. I still want to work for my money but I don’t want to drag myself down while earning it. I don’t want to live at the states costs totally, but some support would make my life (hopefully) a bit easier to deal with.

In the free time I could join a help group and learn how to really deal with myself. I have ADHD, probably AS and one of my Pdocs is already providing me with lithium for my mood swings. Personally I think it’s a combination with Bipolar II. I have read a lot about it and recognize many of the swings, feelings, thoughts that go with it. So it isn’t official yet (one thing at a time) but I already have the pills to help me cope with it. Well, I haven’t really noticed a lot of difference yet though. Hopefully people around me, like lovely GF or BF (if he’s home) have noticed anything positive ever since I am taking these pills.

I still don’t notice anything changing ever since I have started to take the pills. Only that it seems like I am more on the downside and it’s been a long time since I have seen the up side. Yeah, I still get the urge to spend a lot of money on things I really, really, would like to have. But I have never really given in, never… Because a part of me keeps rational enough to remind me that it’s not according to the plan I make every day/week/month to live by.

forever friendsI did buy myself an agenda, an old fashioned one with paper inside (even though it is a school agenda, but I loved the “Forever Friends” theme) so I can keep track. Track of my appointments, track of my working hours, track of GF’s working hours. I worked with the digital calendar on my phone for a while and even though it is convenient, I like the use of a real agenda more. Just like there are times when I just have the urge to grab a pen and my journal and write the old fashioned way. It’s been a long time though… Those urges come and go, just like my moods. I guess there is a connection to find in this as well, if I would pay closer attention. And who knows, I might find out if I ever get that urge…

But still, next week… Starting tomorrow with a new job. It really scares me a lot and I know I have had nightmares (been having them for a long time now) about it, I just can’t remember them after I woke up. A new job… Getting my next diagnose… It’s scary. It freaks me out. I don’t want to… Do I really have to?


~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 18, 2011.

2 Responses to “The end results…soon…”

  1. I have a college degree since 2003, but if you put all my failed jobs together I barely worked more than 1,5 years altogether until now. At least you still DO it, you know. I have given up. The unemployment bureau made me do courses in desk-clerk-stuff but it all went well until I was out of the course and on the street again. Real life *sigh* After 8 years, they finally put me into this special help thing where you can talk to a psychologist. I have been going to their appointments since June 2010 but all I got was ‘sign this contract first’ or ‘sign that first’. Ugh. Next on my schedule is group talk sessions ! Yay ! WHY ??

    • I guess I am still doing it. There are days I really have to drag myself to work, other days things go a lot easier. I just know I need a job to pay for the stuff I need and the other stuff I want to make/keep (?) me happy. When I was unemployed for 10 months, I really got depressed big time. All I could do was count the little money I got from the state and try to make ends meet. But with all that “free” time and not being able to do anything (I mean, almost everything you’d like to do eventually costs money), being alone because others had (to) work… When I remember how I hated most of those 10 months, it’s a small motivation to keep me going. And I actually have some nice co-workers to treat me good, who understand I am a bit different and still treat me like a “normal” person. I hope you can get a place soon where you feel at home… Maybe, maybe if you have some faith left, the group sessions will help you, even if, just a bit… Much strength! LW

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