Energy VS being tired


There are so many things I want to do. So many times I am thinking if stuff that “needs” to be done because I want to do it. But when the time comes that I can do it, all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch DVD/Blu-Ray. I can’t be @rsed at that moment and later on, I feel stupid for not doing at least one of the things I had planned for myself.

It’s been a while since my last blog post here. I have been kind of active on Facebook and, at times, on Twitter as well. But posting on there takes less time and needs less attention/energy than writing a blog post. And there have been times in the last couple f months that I sat totally ready, laptop on my lap, WLW (Windows Live™ Writer) open and already on Google to find a nice picture to add to my blog. But then, when I was totally ready for it, I lost all the words I had been meaning to write. And my mood to write slowly faded away again.

I have been sleeping badly a lot lately. Last week I even took a sleeping pill, just to help me sleep over 1,5 hours without waking up again. That pill helped me! The after taste was horrible, but I felt a bit more energized and my headache was a bit more at ease as well. But when I finally took the pill to help me, it was over 1,5 weeks since I last slept OK. There was just one night I slept a bit better and I guess that was also because I had half a bottle of wine. It’s not much, I know, I drank more before haha, but it was enough to calm me enough to sleep a bit better.

Since my last blog post, it’s been an up and down roller coaster ride for me. I’ve been very down, even tried to cut myself… GF spend over an hour holding me, trying to get the knife out of my hand. She succeeded, I should write luckily since I am doing better now, at least a bit. But it did leave me a small scar. As she tried to preserve me from self harm, she cut me when she finally got hold of the knife. When I finally gave up… I fought hard to win, but I never wanted to harm her. Even though my thoughts were in conflict over that. I guess this belongs in a “private” post so maybe, when I have the time and energy, I will write about my self harm intentions and put a password on it. Enough is “said” here now. So yeah, I felt down. This was about a week before Xmas.

I quit my anti-depression meds. After many months taking them I only felt more down. I still got the very much depressed feelings, as you could read above here. I felt like nothing could provide me with any joy or good feelings. Stuff that would normally lift my sprits, even if just a bit, it just didn’t work. I felt more and more depressed and after the suicidal/self harm thoughts/action, I decided to quit the meds. The last one was taken on January 8th and I feel better than I did on the meds. Yeah, still get depressed thoughts and nightmares, but I feel I am now more able to enjoy the positive things that life has to offer at times.

But that is yet another painful “thing”. As I have mentioned many times before, I live with my BF and GF. But as I also have posted here (though many times in a password protected post), things haven’t been all that well. I know I care a lot for BF, but the loving feeling has been gone for a while. I am not sure if we really have a good future together, even though he tells me he loves me more than anything. I often think he’s “just” afraid to lose me… After 13 years, I feel we’ve grown apart. I would not want to hurt him, but he did hurt me many times before. I know my feelings for GF are stronger. I feel like I am cheating on him. even though the three of us live in the same house. I feel at times that I am using him, but there are many other times I feel like he’s using me. I really don’t know how things will work out, if they ever will. Because that’s another thing making my stomach twist and mu nightmares grow on me. Breaking up with him to go on with her. It scares me to think about his reaction. About leaving someone I have been with for 13 years, even though not all was good all the time. And I am kind of scared for his reaction, may that dreaded time do come…

So anyway, the above “stuff’” may also be a in continue need for energy. My thoughts do dwell on this relationship a lot and all it does is scare me, hurt me and make me cry. I wish I could just flip the switch and love like I used to. But many things have crossed my path, took an intersection towards his path and then a roundabout where it crossed her path as well. Guess I am not really making sense here anymore.

Will try to start writing on a blog post about my self harm intentions. It will be password protected when it finally hits this blog site, so please follow this link if you wish to obtain the password.

OK that’s it for this post. You know the rules for comments/e-mailing me… Thanks for your interest!

LW Verwelkte roos


~ by Lonely Wallflower on January 23, 2012.

2 Responses to “Energy VS being tired”

  1. I would like to offer some good advice but not sure I can since the relationship thing is something I have little experience of. However you have to do what is right, if you feel it is time the relationship with your BF needs to end then so be it. Yes 13 years is a long time to be with someone, but if things are not like they use to be then maybe that is a sign the relationship needs to end. I am sure it will be hard on both of you, if not all three of you as GF is likely to support you as she does, but “he” will move on and perhaps find someone else with luck but there is perhaps no reason you could not remain friends unless that would be too difficult.

    As for the self-harming, glad GF intervened, it is obvious she cares about you and that is true love.

    I hope things look better soon.

    • Thanks for your reply dear. When I have enough energy, I will sit down and get updated on your blog as well. I did read one of the last ones, but it made me too sad to reply, sorry. So I hope you are doing better now compared to then.
      Yeah, it might be time to move on. But I really feel guilty about it because, if it happens, I won’t be the one ending up alone. I feel like I betrayed him, used him even and it makes me feel like such a bad person. I know he is trying to make things better and on some points, he surely made some improvement. But still, it’s hard. It makes me feel so many things at the same time. Then again, I want to give him a chance. I want him to be his old self again… But I think I lack the confidence and that makes me feel bad about myself once more.
      Yeah, GF cares for sure. BF wasn’t at home at the time though, so he couldn’t interfere even if he wanted to. I was already feeling mighty depressed (trying hard not to let anyone notice of course) and when GF made a comment (she really said it the wrong way, she later admitted), I just flipped, big time! I hope it won’t happen again, but there are still times when I truly think suicide is the best way out for everyone…me included… *sigh*
      I hope you feel better soon as well *hug*

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