What kind..

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…of person am I? This is a question someone asked me on Facebook. This “Facebook friend” was referring to my polygamous relationship. She never heard of such a relationship, especially when it came to Aspies. She wondered how I had gotten myself into a situation like this…

All these questions, and the way they were asked, did hurt when I first read them. I have always been open and honest about my life and how I live it. It felt like I was under attack and it did scare me a bit. I wondered for a while if and how I should reply. I don’t expect everyone to accept me for who I am. But if I am honest and not doing any harm to others,I would hope people would at least be able to respect me. Even if only for my honesty and being open and not bothering anyone.

How did I “get myself into this” (and at times I ask myself how to get out of this)? I’ve always had boyfriends. Even though at age 13/14 I noticed my interest in girls as well. But I kept dating guys. I have been asked though if I were gay. Probably because I always looked at girls as well as boys. I always denied. Seeing I am bi-sexual, not gay. Though these days I am wondering if I am more gay than bi…

Anyhow… At the age of 18 I met current BF. And now, after almost 14 years I have been thinking a whole lot about ending it, as you may have read in the password protected posts. Just so many changes, irritations, fights. I have opted to end it though. BF cried, got mad, got sad, promised improvement…later broke the promise once more. But now I am skipping a few years.
After 8 years with BF, I met GF. We were friends first. When I started to feel more for her than friendship, I felt insecure and told BF about it. He was happy about my honesty and surprised me with his reaction. He was totally open for it and started to chat about it with her. It seemed she also felt more for me. And finally, after many chats and text messages, e-mails and phone calls, it all led to us becoming a threesome. First we spend all weekends and free days together. After two years she moved in with us. It made me feel so complete. So happy that two people could love me this much. Could love me at all…

But the last six months things really have been going down. Sadly… Happiness was replaced more and more for irritations. Promises and tasks were not being held/done and we got into more arguements. Some of this I have already written about here. I don’t want to go into all of that again. Not the purpose of this blog post.

So for a few years I thought I had it all. And I guess I did have it all. But personal matters got in the way, money matters and physical matters… So the way it seems now, I guess it is slowly falling apart. And there will be difficult and hard choices on the way.

But have I really started to answer the question? What kind of person am I? Am I selfish for wanting them both in my life, that I made them share me? Was it worth a shot though, to see if this could really work out with the three of us? Am I so strange and silly that I could love both a man and a woman at the same time?

I know I am changing now. Things have happened. I have made mistakes. Doubts were raised. But the biggest reason of doubts and arguments, BF, still believes that we can live long and happy together. I am just not into believing that anymore. Every time we have a good couple of hours or maybe even days, something happens that makes me want to get away from him again…

What kind of person am I? This question has an easy answer (just sum up all my good and bad habits and quirks). But I guess it isn’t completely answered with summing that all up. But what the heck, lets just do that. And maybe it will lead us somewhere. Maybe even in the right direction, even if just a bit…

I am honest. I am open about anything as I don’t think lying or being secretative helps in any way. I am direct, I don’t beat around the bushes and say what I think. Saying what I feel proves to be more difficult at times.
I am loyal. I am a true friend. At least I’d like to think so. But when you screw with me, you’re screwing yourself because then you lose my friendship. I don’t believe any kind of relationship/friendship is only about giving or taking, it has to be an (almost) equally shared deal. Otherwise one is just using/being used and that isn’t fair in my book.

So yeah, what kind of person am I? I wish I knew. I wish that I could answer. I wish I would know what will happen to me in the near future… It might take away some doubts. It might give me an insight in how I will handle (difficult) things. Which would maybe show me what kind of person I am now and I will be. But that is all speculation. And doesn’t “prove” anything.

So I am asking you, dear readers: what kind of person am I? Some of you might only drop in just now. Sone of you might have followed my scribbles for a longer period of time. So please, comment here (or e-mail me) with your opinion. Thanks!

PS. The image I used is a picture taken by a dear friend, edited by me.

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 14, 2012.

2 Responses to “What kind..”

  1. I do not think you are selfish, I think you are just finally making a choice about what you / and who you want in your life. I think deep down you know it is GF, but you are worried about BF and how he will cope if you are not around.

    • Thanks dear. And you really hit the right spot. I guess I am too worried on how BF might cope without me. He hasn’t been alone in quite some time so well… But thanks again for your reply.

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