A blog a day, day #5

image

Here I am again. Starting this blog in bed. Though I guess I should get u soon to take care of the dog. Went to bed early last night. The pain was getting too much and I felt that the two Diclofenacnatrium 50mg pills were starting to kick in (even if only for a short period of time). Last night I was sleeping single as I needed the comfort and rest for a night.

This blog might be repeating what I have mentioned a few times already. But it’s in my mind now, again, and writing (ranting) about it sometimes helps. So bare with me. You could always skip a part here or there 😉 Thanks in advance for reading this all. Comments are still welcome, shows me you care 🙂

GF was still at work when I went to bed. I hate it when she has late shifts. I want her with me on the couch on Saturday night (or in a pub haha) and not at work. Besides the smell she brings home from work (I really can’t stand it… thanks AS for making me a highly sensitive person) it’s the working weekends I hate. We can never go out spontaniously. We always have to plan that in advance so she can ask the day off. I just want the weekends to be ours again. When we met we both worked day jobs, Monday to Friday, and the weekends were ours. When GF moved here, the first year she had a day job. So weekends were still ours. Then she got laid off, started school and working there. It’s been a reason for many disagreements and fights. I want her to work because I know she needs the money. But so many aspects of that workplace bug the hell out of me. She likes it there and I think that is nice for her. But I am still wishing that she will find a job she has studied 3 years for after she finishes school in a few months. If she stays there, no school/education is required… I know my job doesn’t require a high educational degree either, but seeing I never really finished anything high…I don’t really have a choice. And the pay is rather OK (especially when compared to GF wages) so no complaints there. But I just wish something better for her. Something she has studied hard for. Not the smelly thing she’s doing now. Working her tiny @$$ of for that kind of money and those sh*tty hours.
I know she is finally working less hours now. Between school and work she put in almost 70 hours a week. After a while I couldn’t take it anymore. I never got to spend any quality time with her. With my 3 shifts job and her school internship and job we sometimes didn’t see eachother for over 48 hours. Yeah I saw her sleeping or she saw me snoring and drewling… And then she even got mad with me for claiming so much time from her.
I made her a calculation. I work aprox 40 hours (a little less in night shift), she aprox 70 hours a week. So that already counted for 30 hours apart. 30 hours I had to spend at home without her. Sometimes I wouldn’t see her for 2 days straight, as I just mentioned. Or I would see her for 15 minutes before she went to bed. So yeah, when ever our schedules would connect for a (short) period of time…I was eagerly grabbing at it! Desperate for some real time with her.
When I told her this, she started to see my point if view. But by then we already had arguments, disagreements and more nasty stuff about it.

I know that, due to who I am and the help I am getting at being “special” from my mental illnesses, I can be predictable. But with the mood changes, my actions, thoughts and inderactions change as well. And the talks I had with GF about quirks I have and she could do without…I am trying to work on u (some of) those quirks the best I can. But it’s not always possible. I am not always strong enough. And sometimes I don’t even notice it happening until it’s over and done. So it’s too late then…

When I am floating in one of my moods, sometimes it is hard for me to see how I affect others. I can’t even being to think about the concequenses it will have for me, what my actions will result in at the end. How can I keep others’ feelings in mind when I can’t eveb think about my own? This is worst when I am down, depressed and have many dark thoughts, nightmares and worries. When I am close to manic (some things I do when I am all mighty are touchdown on manic, never had the spending spree, did have the urge but *luckily* never give in) I am more in touch with me and the people around me. I get creative and all I want to do then is write all that comes to mind. I feel that when I am writing, I am more open to feelings, experiences, thoughts and pain.

In all, I don’t want any of my quirks that people I care about find annoying or even hurtful when I am going through the motions and mood swings. I am trying to think about those nasty buggers, trying to prevent but as stated, some moods make it impossible until it’s too late. Some stuff I do when I am out of bounds due to drastic depressed mood, I do on auto-pilot. I don’t “have” to think about doing things. It “just” happens. And most of the time, these are hurtful things. And afterwards it all gets brighter and I see what I’ve done. And then I have to make amends. I can’t undo it. I couldn’t stop it when it happened. And in the end I feel f*cked up again because I “let” my mood take control over me again…

And now I feel myself slipping away again. GF is already cranky, but she finally told me (as I mentioned on my blog here) it wasn’t because of me. I know I have been up lately, partially, due to my interest in reading and writing again. But I am getting more suspicious of everything. I feel my self confidence shrinking. I can’t control it. But I know where I am heading to. The downside. The depressed mode.

That is something that did improve the last year. Due to the reading I’ve done, the internet searches and chats, I am getting better in recognizing the upcoming down period. Most of the time it comes after the up period… Sounds very easy to understand though. What goes up must come down. But what if I could be somewhere in the middle and stay there? I tried to get there using Valium for several months. All it did was drag me down. Happy moments were hardly there while I was on those meds. But negative, suicidal thoughts and nightmares were constantly around. So I decided to quit after I wanted to slash my wrist a few days before Xmas. That was after a nasty comment by GF. I was already thinking it. That comment made me decide. And after a long struggle, I gave up. Decided the meds were off. I wasn’t allowed to go cold turkey due to the self harm intent. So it took me about two weeks and then they were out of the picture. After that, I felt my mood lifting again. Started to be interested in writing again. Re-read the story I once started. I haven’t written a lot more after reading it. But I am working on it still. I just want to write more. And I currently am writing more, but here, on my blog. I decided I should write a blog a day when I realized I was slipping down again. I hope that writing helps. I hope that GF will read this and will be able to understand it/me a bit better. I don’t want to use my blog as an excuse, more as an explanation. Here, I can let my thoughts and all run free. No interruptions. No questions, beside my own. No comments, not until it’s posted and done that is.

I don’t want to be suspicious. I don’t want to see conspiracies everywhere my almost all seeing eyes are pointing at. I don’t need this self low esteem. I want to feel secure. Sure about myself. Sure about my life and future. But how can I be sure about the second part when the first one is so screwed up? The way I feel now, I should be alone somewhere. Not bothering anyone. Only me, myself and I. And maybe the dog. I would not want to lose her. Of course I wouldn’t want to lose anyone. But when one wants to be secluded, K9 company is still welcome. Someone to cuddle and talk to who won’t judge you or talk back.

So a big HELP from me to end this blog post. Help, I am slipping. Help, I am going down down down… Help, I can’t seem to stop it. I want to feel secure again. To be able to trust myself and others around me. Need to feel loved and appreciated. Not down, sad and lonely. HELP!

All the best to all of you, LW

PS. You might have guessed it already. But again a lovely image used by kind permission of a dear friend. Thanks again!

Advertisements

~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 19, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: