A blog a day, day #7

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It’s 0:04. Tuesday just started. Working the night shift. First break. It’s really quiet. Not that much work so we’re taking it easy. That way, work will last all night. Otherwise it will be a boring end of the shift. I don’t mind taking it easy. Mind is already preoccupied with so many thoughts. So many doubts. Too many worries. I am making myself crazy again. Seeing conspriacies when there’s nothing going on. Fearing that GF has found someone else because I’m so obnoxious, stupid and ugly. My self esteem is so low that it could end up at the other side of this planet. Someone in Australia, the land down under, might bump into my sunken self esteem by accident. I hate these mood changes. I’d rather be happy and on the top of the world. And I still hate it that, when I notice I’m slipping, there is nothing I can do against it. Those Lithium pills did not prevent it. They only prevented me getting on a high, I felt like I was on a constant low. Last night the nightmares came back. Making me wake all sweaty and feeling worried… Though of course I can’t remember anything of it. That’s the trouble with me and my dreams/nightmares. I hardly ever remember them. And if I do remember, it’s mostly because it went south somewhere and I or someone I care for died… Aaarghh…

BF called me yesterday afternoon, annoyed that he’d already called twice and I had not answered my phone. Yeah, that happens to me all the time when I try to reach him. But well, I call when he’s at work and he knew I wasn’t working so… I was grocery shopping with GF and friend and dog. I was carrying food and drinks. Nope, that is not work. That is so much fun! Or should I drop the food as soon as the phone rings to pick up? Even though I am wishing BF the best, I often think I am more than that. He is always working. He told me around 16:30 he’d be home at 19:00. He called at 18:55 he’d be home before I would leave for work. After I had my first break at work, around 0:20 GF texted he got home… I texted him, after an hour because he didn’t even send me a small (free) message and he didn’t even reply. So sick of this all. And he goes on whining that I am ignoring him! Yeah right… So totally annoyed. And he keeps promising stuff he never keeps, or he keeps them for a very short period of time. More and more I realize that this might really be the beginning of the end. I don’t think I can take this any longer. On Saturday we talked/argued about it. But with him, it’s always in extremes. There is no real reason. Maybe he is really scared of losing me but he has a very strange way of showing it.

So of course this really feeds my depressed feelings. Making me feel, again and more, like I am not worth it. You don’t have to take me seriously. You can take advantage of me. Use me. Destroy me. But for the latter it’s too late, I think I already pressed my self-destruct button a while ago. This is the beginning of the end. Will it be the final end? Or is the end also the start of something different? Something new. Something better perhaps? So many questions. But they can onlg be answered in one way… Do what I think should be best and await the outcome. But those mixed feelings are difficult and hard to handle and cope with. If I really end it with BF, how will it go? Will he and I both end up better in the end? Or should I quit all relationships and find a small place to live on my own? I wouldn’t bother or hurt anyone. When I get depressed and suspicious and doubtfull it will only affect me and no one else. That now sure sounds like a good option. Be alone. Hurt only me. Don’t interrupt someone else’s life. No more need for suspicious/jealous feelings. When I get mad/sad, it will only affect me. Don’t know if I am thinking this now to protect me or them or maybe both. I know I will hurt them. I know I will be hurt. I really don’t know what is the best option. I know that if I have to chose that I will go for GF. Even if it will be loads of troubles due to the bought house and all. *sigh* *sob*

***carnaval break***

Frak! Just wrote a whole story here and then my Nexus decided to reboot…of course not giving me a chance to save my work… Sigh…

Carnaval was a day of many mixed feelings. Alcohol has a different effect on me I guess. Even now with GF and friend I feel like an outsider. I don’t get it. Can’t see the fun in it. Feel excluded because of that. I am an outsider looking in. And when normally having troubles understanding people and social interactions… The drunken world is even harder to understand. I don’t get it. Can’t comprihend. It is hard to explain. But have you ever been in a group, been parr of a group, but still felt you were isolated and totally on your own? Welcome to my life. That happens to me quite often. And sometimes I can act my way out. But alcohol and drugs make it too hard for me at all times.

Alcohol can help me to relax. But only when I feel secure and safe. Everythings stays clear to me though. Except when I allow myself to overdo it. Which is a rare occasion if and when that happens. I know that due to family inheritance and mental illness I am more “open” to becoming addicted to substances like alcohol and drugs. So I want to prevent just that. I don’t want to become an addict. It doesn’t appeal to me. And I know it won’t solve any problems. At best/worst, it would create them. Seeing I have problems and troubles enough as it is… I don’t need to go out to find me some more of them.

OK other (last) topic for this post. Today, out of the blue, I received a parcel. I had no idea from who it was. I of course opened it and was very surprised (to say the least). It was from a high school friend who I came in touch with a few years ago. She send me a book back which she had borrowed quite a while ago. And a long, honest and open and caring letter. I had some emotional difficilties while reading it. It touched me in many ways. It explained something tk me, which I kinda had guessed/thought a long time now. I send her a text tonight, asking if she still used the same email. Need to answer decently and of course I want to be sure that the letter will arrive. She wrote in her letter that she’s been following my blog. For this I want to thank her a lot, it means a great deal to me! Thanks for caring. Of course this applies to all readers 🙂

Galls and boys (I know I have more ladies who read my blog), this is the end of blog number 7. Today I used a picture I found on Facebook. Figured we could all use something to laugh about. So I claim NO rights to this picture. Thanks for reading and have a nice evening/day.

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 21, 2012.

2 Responses to “A blog a day, day #7”

  1. Glad you got the package, wasn’t sure about the address anymore. I didn’t get your text but to answer your question here: yes, I still use the same e-mail (the gmail one). I hope you didn’t find my letter too forward. I know I have no right whatsoever to give you advice or to have an opinion on anything about your life. But my fingers have been itching to write to you or to comment on your blogs for so long now. I knew I had to make amends first and I really hope I managed to do so, if at least a little bit…
    Hope to hear from you 🙂
    Love,
    Sjak

    • Thanks for your comment. I send the messages using Whatsapp. Maybe you don’t use that app anymore?

      The letter was pretty straight forward. But to be honest, that’s the way I prefer it. You should have let me known a long time ago. It’s absolutely no problem. I understand. I was very worried for a while that there was something I’d done to hurt or offend you in any way. That you were mad with me and not replying me because of that.

      I understand we all have our own lives. But getting in touch with you again felt good. Even if we chose very different life styles. That’s the way life goes but it doesn’t have to mean we can’t be friends. I like talking to you, appreciate your opinion highly and respect you for who you are and what you believe in. You’re open and honest. That is very important to me as well. It makes it easier to understand you, your opinion and your means. I wish more people would treat me like this. Because even if some people find it harsh to be open and direct, it works the best way for me. I don’t have to read in between any difficult lines.

      So thank you. Thanks for sending my book back. Thanks for the letter. Thanks for being open and honest. And if you still use whatsapp, you might find my messages there…

      Hug and luv, LW x

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