A blog a day, day #9

image

I forgot to mention in yesterday’s post that the image used, like this one, are used again with kind permission of a dear friend. I just love this castle, Neuschwanstein in southern Germany… Anywhoo…

Number 9 already. Feeling very proud of myself for already keeping it up for over a week. Guess it helps that I’m able to write on my phone. No need to sit behind my PC or start up the laptop. And I can use it almost anywhere…

Without you noticing where I wrote it, unless I mention it while writing. A cell phone is easier to take with you to the toilet, for instance, than a laptop. I really love this new phone. Wish I had gotten it sooner. Though it wasn’t released that long ago so I would have probably bought a S2 instead of this Nexus. Anyhow…

My mind had been busy. A whole lot. Too much. I know it’s one of my symptoms when I slide down down down. There were many items already adressed by it, but due to recent “events”, two items have gained the number one and two position in the category “Most time spend thinking about…”. Namely alcohol and what it does with me and how I see it affect others. And my social quirks. How anti-social or too social am I or am I trying to be?

What to adress first? Hmm… I think I will start with the social subject as I wrote about alcohol yesterday as well and I am still hoping people will comment on it.

Social anxiety & quirks

I have written about social stuff before. I can’t remember what I exactly mentioned in al those posts and frankly, I don’t give a sh*t if I repeat myself. I will do what I always (try to) do: write what comes into my mind. Even if it can be hard to follow or if it’s repeating what I stated before. If I write more often about it, I guess it is very important to me so I should write about it more. Or I am just plan old stupid and ignorant and… WTF! Why am I babbling so much? It’s my blog and I can write what I want to. Yeah, there are limits. I will never intentionally write something that would hurt anyone. And if I write something bad/nasty, I will always give out a warning before ranting. And of course, I keep it anonymous.

I guess all this babbling above here already shows a part of my social skills, or lack there of. Because I have always been an outsider, been bullied, teased, hurt in too many ways and too often I now always want to please everyone. I never want to make someone feel left out. Only if someone has done something to really hurt and/or disrespect me for who I am, then you can go to a nasty place and never come back. But if you treat me respectfully, maybe even as a friend, I will go to hell and back to show how much I appreciate you. Because in my opinion, friendship (and love as well) is about finding a balance in giving and receiving/taking. Friendship and love are like Yin and Yang. You will experience fun/good and bad/hard times while in a relationship. The way you treat the other should be the same way you’d like to be treated yourself. It is a high standard to live up to, I know. And unfortunately there are always people willing to take advantge. To receive from you in their times of need but when you come to collect the in return favor…they’re gone with the wind in a blink of an eye. Been there, quite a lot and after a while enough to learn my lesson. For a friend/loved one I would do anything if possible but not right away. I first want to get to know someone better before running my @$$ off for them (though I have plenty of that to go around). You could say that people have to earn my trust. The people before them have made me that way. I have been used so often that it made me realize not all people are worth it.

I guess without realizing I already told you quite a bit about my social issues. The way I see it. It is hard for me to compare myself to others. I don’t really know what behavior I really have in common with the general people. The line of what I would do and what I have seen others do and try to copy can be thin sometimes. Especially when I am in a down slide, it is very hard to know where the real me ends and the “fake” one begins. Ow how to explain this..? It’s like wearing a mask to hide your true feelings and intentions because you are embarrassed, scared, angry, mad etc. and you don’t want others to know about it. Only then you do it 24/7 instead of the period if time you spend with people. Deep inside you know you really don’t feel the way you act and it doesn’t help in any way to feel better. But it prevents a lot of questions when people (you hardly know, otherwise they’d see you behave differently) start to worry about you and ask all these questions. And I know they are not all nosey and some will mean well…but if they can’t see what is wrong with me (recognize the depression) then I have absolutely no intention to explain or even talk about it. Even though I blog freely about my depressed feelings and how it affects me, talking about it is so much harder. When I write there is no interaction. Just me typing. When I am done and the post is online, people can then chose to interact with me through comments and e-mail.

OK back to the social quirks. Because I have been excluded many times as a child it made me aware of how it effected me now. Back then I almost got used to being singled out and/or left out. I always sought the blame for it in me and my (social inter-) actions. Now I know it was partly because of that. But a huge part of it wasn’t to blame on me. Due to my fysical problems later on, people often excluded me from things because they knew I couldn’t go along anyway. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me. They thought they would hurt me by inviting me to something which I certainly would have to decline. They never thought that it would hurt me if they didn’t ask me at all. That is why, when I am planning one of my social gatherings with friends, I always invite all the people I love to hang out with. Even if I know they will decline. And, if I’m correct, my true friends know this about me. Other friends that I hang out with more and more also learn this about me on the way. Of course everyone is welcome, if I don’t invite you then something between us went wrong enough for me not to want you around ne at that time. And if friends say that they’ll be there it makes me happy. And if they decline, it’s OK too, no obligations what so ever. But of course it does make me sad a bit when they can’t make it. But I will understand and not hold a grudge.

Ah well… I’ve started ti observe people in a different way ever since I’ve learned more about AS. I think I am getting better with it. But of course it’s hard to really be sure about it.
I will keep observing. Writing about it. Hoping people will take the time to reply, either by mail or comment. Hoping that others care enough to share their view/experiences. Maybe it’ll teach me something, help me understand. Even if just a littke bit… For that I will grateful.

I want to finish this post with some cool news: the date is set for my new tat? I’ll have to wait for 6 weeks but it will be worth it. Whoohoo!

Hopefully my next blog will be a bit easier to get through for you all. I think this one might be difficult to follow at times. I appologize. My mind isn’t a big help at the moment with all those thoughts and distractions rushing through it.

Thanks for reading 🙂 C U 2morrow for blog number ten folks. Have a good day. All the best, LW

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 23, 2012.

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