A blog a day, day #10


TGIF again! Wow this was a heavy week. Working on last night shift before my weekend starts. Next week I’m working the early shift again. Though I like being home in the afternoon, the early going to bed and getting up can be quite hard times.

Sorry if yesterday’s post was too much of what I already wrote here once or more than that. I noticed that when I go into depression mode, I keep getting back to the stuff I have the most difficulties with. I guess I am still looking for answers. And maybe, in some way, closure.
GF told me after reading my post that she was planning on writing one or two herself soon. I really hate that some of her problems are because of me. I know she has issues with BF and he is starting to annoy me more and more. But there are times when he is being normal and decent and they remember me of how he used to be. It makes me sad that I only catch glimps of that good him every now and then. *sigh* Doesn’t make it easier…
Knowing the last time that GF wrote a blog was back in November… I am worried about her. I know she loves me deeply. But I also know that my mental issues hurt her at times. That my mood swings make me a horrible person at times. And during those times, I always think she deserves someone so much better than I am. While thinking that, I get scared as well… What if she thinks the same and is already looking? Damn you depressed thoughts. You keep dragging me down…

My arm/right elbow is hurting a lot lately. I finally decided that it would be wise to see our GP about it. Asked GF when she had some time for me to come along. But her earliest free spot for me (during GP times) is over 3 weeks… I already feel pain in my elbow for 3 weeks and because it got worse and worse, I wanted to see a GP sooner than thay. I know she has some difficulty at her internship. But was hoping… I take days/hours off to accompany her. Or only sleep less than 4 hours, as I did yesterday. And I know my depressed state only enhances these negative feelings. But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say/write that it did hurt me a bit… I know GF does her best for me. I know she wants to be there for me, even if I don’t deserve it. But it can’t seem to take the disappointment away. Damn you depressed mind!

A thing that has been bugging me for a while now… I don’t mean to offend anyone that is “involved”, I am not mad at them or anything. But it left me wondering… And being down doesn’t help it much… A dear friend of mine decided to celebrate her birthday with someone else this year. Which I don’t mind at all. But the person she is celebrating with is an ex-friend of mine. Some stuff happened between us and I can’t cope anymore. I can’t stand her and I find her obnoxious and hurtful. She made comments to me that were nasty and low. She was flashing BF right in front of me, while she was practically engaged already… These are only some of the things that happened the last time I saw her. Because I wasn’t sure if all my issues with her were only because of me, I asked some of my present friends to observate. To check if it was really me that made the wrong (social) choices and interactions or if it was her (as well). It wasn’t just me…..
So when I got the invite, I e-mailed all involved except ex friend. Explaining that it would be too much for me to handle. That I was sad I could not be there but if I would come, that I was afraid I would ruin the mood… Not a single one of my friends replied. Not one told me it was a wise decision and/or that I would be missed. And that hurts a whole lot! I know that I never really asked for any of them to reply. But, being my friends and all, I did hope that at least one or even two of them would understand my position and reply to me… Even if only to ask me how I am doing. I now feel like they think I am exaggerating. Or that it is my choice and they don’t really care wether I am there or not. Maybe they are even happy about me not being there then… Of course my mind has already explored the darkest ideas on this. If only someone had told me I’d be missed… *sobs* And of course now I am wondering if I am “over reacting” or if my line of thoughts is not that strange at all. I know that if I had gotten an e-mail from one of those friends, if one of them was in my shoes so to write, that I would respond. Maybe only to write (s)he would be missed by me. Am I expecting too much because I always hope friends will react in a same way I would? Am I disappointed? Yes… Am I thinking that my way of thinking about this is really that different from the average person? I can’t ask you to stand in my shoes and comment on these questions while looking through my eyes. I do hope though that you are willing to comment at all, giving me your honest, open and respectful opinion/view. Why are these social interactions so damn difficult? Damn you AS…

My stomach has been tied in knots lately. It reacts to how I feel. To my stress, anxiety, fears. It feeds from my negativity and has me ending up on the toilet quite a lot and often a long time. So yeah, one might state that it feels shitty… Happy with my cellphone. Or a good book. They give me diversion so I can relax. When I can relax, it hurts less. Damn you intestines. But I guess I’m the one that’s really to blame for being in this situation.

Why is it so hard? Why can’t life be easier? Why can’t I just fall asleep and never wake up again? Yeah I know I want to run away from my problems instead if facing them. But deep inside I know that I am getting nearer to the day where I really have to decide. I know that GF wants to go, move out and all. And I know it would be best for me to go with her. All the promises BF never keeps. All the times he has made me feel worthless. Why can’t I just turn my back on him? Why does it feel so wrong when I think about leaving him? Why can’t I be selfish and stop caring? Falling asleep never to wake up sounds so attracting. No more worries. No more difficulties. No more me. It’s not like I would be missed that much… I am a pain in the @$$ most of the time anyway…

This is really getting me no where, no where at all. And I know that! But these thoughts keep me busy so much. And feeling GF is unhappy doesn’t make it easier one bit. I know that, even if I want to part as friends, BF will go down fighting, arguing and full with hatred. This scares me. A LOT! Hence the increased thoughts of eternal sleep. Yeah, maybe I am a coward. So what? At least I am open and honest about it… Not that is does me a lot of good…

Sigh… I will leave you all now. Need to rest my mind. Don’t want to slip into these thoughts… But I guess I am on the slide already with no means to stop by myself :’-(

Ta-ta for now folks. Thanks for caring! All the best, LW.

PS. This stunning image is created, once more, by my dear friend and used with her permission. It’s the Hochlantch Cross in Steiermark, Austria. Just stunning!


~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 24, 2012.

4 Responses to “A blog a day, day #10”

  1. I read this and realised how I can relate so much to the content. I wish I could offer some sound advice especially when you write about how you do not want to wake up, if only we could have an easy way out to our problems but we perhaps know that life is never that easy… enjoy the weekend LW and as for the friends not replying, they are not worth it!

    • We’re very much the same, you and I…the sweet hello, the sad goodbye… Sorry, couldn’t resist. Thanks for your comment dear. It means a lot that you always read and often comment. *HUGS*

  2. About the invite thing…. I would totally feel the same. Well, probably not as heavily as you do, but I would definately be disappointed. On the other hand maybe your friends just don’t know how to respond because they find it difficult, because they’re friends with you but also with the other person. I don’t know… Do any of these friends read (or at least know about) your blog? Because if they do then I think there is no excuse, they should know how you feel about these things… But I guess that’s just my opinion.

    • Thanks for your comment dear! It means a lot to me. I really have no idea who reads my blog. I know most of those friends have my special facebook account linked. So they can see the blog updates. But none ever really talked with me about it. And I know most of them a whole lot longer than they know her. I know thay’s no excuse. But that nagging feeling remains where I keep thinking that they don’t mind me not coming plus don’t care to reply. I now the depression can blow things out of proportion. But still… sigh… Thanks for commenting, makes me smile to see people care.
      *hugs* LW xx

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