A blog a day, day #12


Here I am again, day number twelve and counting. Yesterday evening BF and I talked again. Some stuff I already told him back in November and some things were new. I mentioned again, calm and broken, that he had changed so much that I really wasn’t in love with him anymore. I know he is a good man but he changed so much that I don’t see the guy in him that I fell in love with all these years ago. And all the promises he made weren’t really valuable as he didn’t keep them. I told him that this wasn’t the way I wanted to live the rest of my life. That I would feel miserable all the time and that a relationship wasn’t worth that.

GF has been angry, cranky and she said she has had it with him. I begged her to at least be social to each other. We’re all adults. AND we did have good times in the past. I am still caring a lot for him. But the last couple of months, as I wrote before, I feel no “in love” feeling. More a friendship kind… I know it hurts GF because she hates the way he treated me. But she also knows that he has been good to me in the past. The problem is that she didn’t see him in his good self but more in his changing to mister evil side. I know he means well. And I know his anger is also made out of fear. Namely the fear of losing me. Maybe even of losing GF as well. But the problem is that I have had this kind of talk already in November. And now it still hasn’t changed. And he is asking me for yet another chance. Deep down of course I hope he will be able to change. But I also know that GF has made up her mind about leaving BF for sure. And I know that I would not want to lose her. So if I say yes to that next chance, am I lying to him? Am I leading him on?

For someone who is bad in social relationships, I really have gotten myself in a lot of trouble. Well, in the beginning there was no real trouble. We were young and we had time for each other each weekend. The first 2 years, GF would visit us every weekend she had time. We all had enough money to spend and the whole weekend to spend it together. When GF moved in, we still had money and weekends together. So we lived a good and happy life. Then GF’s contract was cancelled. She lost her job and tried hard to get a new one. But she was out of luck. So I told her that maybe she could find an educational degree into what she really wanted to do. So that is what she did. She found the right school and she found a part-time job (which I still don’t like but it pays her bills). But that meant: less money, less time and working during the weekends. Then I quit my job because I thought I had found a better one. I got dismissed after 2 months and was left sitting at home, desperately to find a job. It took me 10 months. During this time, I had no money for any fun things and I had gotten so depressed that I was no fun to be around with anyway. So then I found a job. I worked there for 9 months until I got laid off on one day out of the blue. Within two days I started a new job. It’s all temp jobs, working through an agency. So it’s less security for income and a steady job. It’s less extra free days. But it does pay the bills and it gives me something to do. But after 5,5 months I knew I would be laid off again so I found somewhere new to start before my time was up. And now I have been there for 5,5 months. If all goes well, I will get a (small) pay raise after 6 months. So that’s pretty soon from now. Every €uro is welcome, as I now already earn enough to pay my bills. So extra money is extra saving for fun things (or moving out…).

I am already slowly saving for a far, far away vacation somewhere in the future. Maybe I will need the money sooner, if the day indeed comes that BF and I must separate and I would have to move out. But even if and when that day comes, I would like to keep the money in the saving tin. Because that would mean I have done OK money wise. I always love to spend money. I did have some money spending sprees, but none that would be defined to a mental illness. I usually calculate how much I need and all that I have “left” I can spend in no time. Although I always buy stuff that I never regret, I often do regret spending all my savings in one time.

So well, trying to cope with work. Hopefully earning a bit more in a few weeks (should start after working for 26 weeks –so week 27- and am now working in week 23). Trying to save some money for conventions, amusement otherwise, my DVD/BR collection and probably for moving house… Ow and of course, when ever it is possible: saving for a nice well earned sunny vacation Eiland met palmboon

So girls and guys, it is time to go to bed now. I did write this blog from my laptop as I needed to use it for my GF’s prezzie preparations.

Hope you are all as well as can be. Sending my dear readers/commenters many positive vibes (as many as possible). Good night (or day) and hope to see you again tomorrow (as a figure of speech of course Knipogende emoticon).

All the best, LW Rode roos


~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 27, 2012.

One Response to “A blog a day, day #12”

  1. I read this post twice, and I read that GF is very unhappy about the current situation, and if you do not make a choice she might walk, which I think will hurt you more in the end. It is true how many chances does one person need before they change, by the sounds of it BF has had since November to change and he is not, another row and so he promises the same thing again and again… the same happened with my parents, dad’s goes, mum argues and he promises to change she takes it back, but gradually months on things are still the same. I wish I could offer more advice but this sounds like a difficult situation to be in, it really does… and one I feel will not change because I think BF is jealous of your relationship with GF and I feel he is making it more difficult for you and for her.

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