Tuesday, day #20


The second day of the week, and in some countries the third as their calendars start a new week on Sunday, Tuesday.

So far, Tuesday’s been sunny. I am almost off to work but I had some minutes to spare so I started working on this post.

Yesterday I did something new, or at least tried to… Writing about something a friend and commentor of this blog asked. Since on Sunday I asked you, the readers, what you thought would be interesting to read about. Only Ms. Leftie replied and I tried to cover one of her ideas yesterday. Still hoping that more people will comment. Some of the blogs I follow, yeah I know I don’t comment often. Maybe that is why people are reluctant to comment on my posts? I know I don’t get many views compared to others, but the views I do get must mean someone is following and reading, right?

Ah here I go again. Doubting everything I can. Wondering what it is I am doing wrong. When I know I am doing what I want to do: blogging. But why does it seem so important for me to get likes, comments and views? Why is it that, at times when I have reached another low, it seems to matter so much? Guess this is one of the things I hate so much about being down/low/depressed. All the insecurity. All the doubts. Seeing things that aren’t there. Wondering if people really care. Is it only me who gets so insecure, anxious and unsure about almost anything when being down?

Though I had decided that today’s blog should be ablout substance abuse. Yesterday, well last night actually, Ms. Lefty and I were discussing an option of her visiting me here in the Netherlands. And we wrote about tulips, windmills and weed. And then I thought that that was a nice idea for a blog.

Here in the Netherlands, we have a soft and hard drug policy. I guess our country is very much known for that policy. Many people combine Amsterdam with drugs, diamonds or hookers. Not neseccarily in that order. OK there are some of us who think about concerts too 😉

I never had anything to do with any sort of drugs, besides painkillers and alcohol, until about 20 months ago. I was workless and our old neighbor too. He had used in the past and was still using now and then. Weed mostly. But he was a smoker so he mixed it with his tabacco. Because the weather was lovely and both him and me were without a job, we spend many evenings together. We both liked the same TV show so we watched many episodes. We drank beers and played guitar. How I miss these times some times… But then we were talking about me trying weed, as it is known to help people (medically) with ADHD. So he told me about the use of a bong. Only water and a lighter needed besides the bong and weed. Or hash. So one day we went into Nijmegen and got what we needed. That evening we tried it out, together with GF and some beers. First I coughed a lot. A whole lot. But I wasn’t the only one. Even GF who has been a smoker way too long (but she quit becausr of me) had to get used to it. But I never got the idea it had the same effect on me as it had on them. I did buy a bong together with GF but it’s been over a year since we used it. Still got some hash laying around… Tempting at times.

When I feel really low, I feel like I want to have an addiction…an unhealthy one. I can drink alcohol but it doesn’t do much for me. Most high percentage drinks I don’t even like pure and need to mix. But there was a time I even thought of going out and buy a pack of smokes. I never smoked and have always been against it. But when low and feeling suicidal even at times…smoking does kill you, or so the package claims… It’s often that when I’m down, I start binge eating. I think that food is my addiction then. I really need to lose weight. I hope weather will be better soon: more walking and biking. More being out of the house.

Anyway. I like to drink a beer (or more) in the evening (or afternoon during nice weather/holidays). I like the taste. And when I drink one or two, I find it a bit easier to fall asleep. Something I often have trouble with, falling asleep. My head keeps buzzing so much that it can keep me awake. I believe that when I just started to write this blog, I underwent a test to see how active my brain was. Must see if I can find the link when I am home after work to link it here. Can’t find the post right now. But the outcome of the test was that I have an ADHD brain. Compared to the average, my brain was working on about a 150% speed… No wonder I have so many headaches… Back then and now still…

I never drank too much on purpose. Yeah I have had some wild Tequila fun with friends. But it was more directed towards the games we were playing. I once had alcohol poisoning during our vacation in 2009. GF had one too haha! We had so much fun and then…BF could bring us both to our room, one by one. I never drank that much again, though it was partly the heat to blame. But I know drinking doesn’t help to make things better. So I never drink for that reason, as I know some people who hide behind alcohol and hope their problems will resolve by themselves. And I know that alcohol abuse is a problem in my family. And I know that my mentol illness makes me more vulnerable to substance abusr as well. But so far, I don’t think I have such a problem… As I mentioned before, I drink because I like the taste. I know it won’t do me any good. It won’t help me.

I have used painkillers. My favorites were Tramadol, from the Morphine family. The box said one was not allowed to drive when using them due to slow reaction time. My reactions were just the same, only I didn’t feel any pain. And I loved those pills because one of the side effects, which 1% of the people got: weight loss. I had less apetite which, naturally, made me eat less.

I never want to take meds when it isn’t necessary. I tried Lithium and quit when I noticed after ceveral months it wasn’t helping me. I take the birth control pill because it helps me regulate my period. But I don’t want to take pills when I don’t need them.

So I guess the only substance I sometimes abuse and more times enjoy is alcohol.

I will send this post to my blog and then watch some DVD. Relax a bit with the brown girl before bed time.

Thanks for reading/liking/commenting. Blog ideas are still welcome people!

Take care, LW

PS. The image I used I found through my PicsArt app. I don’t claim any rights. Only the edited part is mine to “claim”.


~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 7, 2012.

6 Responses to “Tuesday, day #20”

  1. It was a shock for me to read that you ones had a thought about buying some smokes… I know how you feel about them and how happy you are that I quit smoking. Smokings takes you urge to eat away so that will be a good thing (as you say you don’t want to eat that much, loose weight) but I do hope that you won’t buy them. I don’t think smoking will kill you, I can kill you but there are people living very long while smoking and healthy people die because they have cancer.

    I hope you are feeling better soon. I will do my best to help you. We even can use that bong again if you want. But only when you are feeling okay because we don’t know the outcome when you are feeling down.

    Take care dear. I love you!

    • Yeah I know it was a stupid thought. But depressed mind doesn’t always work like I want it to.
      Thanks for being there for me. Though I still would love to curl up into your arms and just cry…
      Luv ya tonz! LW xxx

  2. You forgot the clogs, tulips, and cheese! 😉

    Do not feel too disheartened on blog comments, I read so many that I speed read a lot and read more carefully read others, it is impossible to comment on everyone’s blog and many people read from phones that they perhaps do not have the facility to comment so much. If I was to comment on all the blogs I read I would be online far too long that I wanted and I would never get anything done!

    I have never taken illegal drugs for a start I would have no idea where to buy them in my town, although I frequently read here about drug raids and cannabis farms in people’s houses! I have to admit I am curious and would never rule trying it once… just like smoking and that is something I still do although on rare occasions!

    Just a 10 years back I would never have drank or taken prescribed drugs, but now I will, alcohol is of course my downfall! You mention Tramadol for weight loss, ummmm might have to look into that, dad has a stash somewhere!

    • Yeah it’s been two years. What a way I have walked since then.
      I know comments shouldn’t mean too much but I am weird…hehe…

      According to the paper that came with the Tramadol, it is a very, very rare condition: less appetite. Worked for me though. And with the muscle aches I have now… still need to visit GP but would LOVE some Tramadol right now…

      Thanks for commenting! *hugs* LW

  3. You know what? Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who puts anything on the internet wants people to see. Otherwise they wouldn’t put it on the internet. It’s an ego boost, a way to get noticed. And what’s the best way for boosting ones ego? When other people react to what you have put on the internet. It’s just human nature, the need to feel apreciated or liked. So no, it is NOT abnormal to feel disappointed when people don’t respond to some of the stuff you put out there. We all feel that way sometimes. Difference is how we handle it. I can understand that the way your brain works it just makes it more difficult to deal with because it might feel like a rejection. But as MsLeftie has already said many people just don’t have the time to comment on everything they read. I have seen this happen on many of the forums I read. People get really disappointed or even upset when their topics get lots of views but very few, if any comments. Unfortunately there just isn’t much you can do about this. I hope that you will be able to find some comfort in the fact that at least your blog is being read by many and that some still take the time and effort to comment.

    As on today’s subject. Not much to contribute to this topic. Alcohol is something I use very rarely (I only like the really sweet drinks, but in the end I just always prefer a nice glass of ice cold diet coke), I have smoked a bit in high school but I have always found it disgusting and I have never used any drugs, nor have I ever felt the need to… So apart from birth control and the occasional advil I really don’t use anything.

    I thought of a topic to write about in one of your next posts: high school. We went to the same school, sat next to each other in one or two classes during 4 havo (though I don’t remember about 5 havo…), but I think we feel quite differently about the school and the people we went to school with. Just wondering. You don’t have to write about it if you don’t want to ofcourse…

    • Thanks for you comment and yeah, you and Ms. Leftie are totally right. But you also know why I feel that way. And by expressing (sometimes as rant) it on my blog, I deal with it. In my own typical silly way I guess. B
      That is also why I am SO grateful for the likes and comments on the stuff I write. It doesn’t really make me feel mighty but it does help me to make me feel that I matter. And with an ego as bruised and insecure as mine…
      Thanks for the idea! Will work on it. Good one.
      Luv, LW

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